The terrible thing that david does
by Heather
The terrible thing that david does is he feeds me ice cream but he makes me take bites that are too big for my mouth. My mouth is small and too much cold ice cream makes my teeth hurt. Also I get it on my lips. This is the terrible thing that he does and someday I might kill him in his sleep. Or not.
It’s good to keep him around since he can lift and carry things (like me).
He asked if I wrote terrible things about him.This is the terrible thing I wrote.
In other news…
Maddie’s seperation anxiety is reaching all new heights. Tonight he ate through the bars in her kennel. No lie. We call the vet and ask about pills or something. She needs to be comfortable and happy when I leave home, she also needs to not be destroying things.
Went to see Dance in the Dark. It was fantastic to watch. I’ve never seen many dance shows, I always feel there is something fundamentalabout it that I just don’t understand. I usually like them when i see them, I just feel like I could be getting more out of it if I understood it better. I’d tell you to go see it, but it was the last show. You lose. I win.
okay, this is MC 900 foot bubbo signing off and heading to the bed! Goodnight my chochachos!
Monthly Archives: August 2005
my morning in hell
Met Alan and his new girl at Hell’s Kitchen for breakfast this morning. I got a glimpse into why people accept the shitty generica of the suburbs, it took me 30 minutes to find a damned parking spot and it wasn’t exactly close by. Luckily there wasa long wait and Alan got there early enough to put his name in but notso early that he lost the table because we didn’t get there in time.
Sure, the food in the suburbs is shitty and generic but at least you havelarge, easy to maneuver parking lots to negotiate. I don’t know, the whole neo-pseudo-fusion cuisine trend isn’t really sweetening the downtown deal for me.
The food was marginally good but somewhat gimmicky and overpriced. The waitress was a peach, though, and she had the best eye shadow. When I asked about it she told me it was PowerPuff Girls body glitter! I’m on it! I have almost $300 worth of MAC makeup sitting in my bathroom but I’m totally gonna go buy $2 kiddie make upto complement it! Go me.
Alan’s new girl is totally sweet and a lot of fun! Just a doll. Good for Alan I say!
Fringe Festival is goingon right now. Saw the Scrimshaw Show the other night, I’d give it a 75% funny, but also sort of predictable and a little flat in places. The interpretive to that fucked up Toby Keith song about Uncle Sam and his boot up someone’s ass was fucking hysterical. I’d never heard that song before and the only thing I can say about it is that I am shocked and surprised that it can be sung without the slightest bit of irony. It’s fucking beautiful satire without even intending it. And they say satire is dead in America. PSHAW!
At Balls last night they had Fringe previews for some of the out of town acts. If you’re in town you must go see Never Surrender!! They rocked harder than you can imagine. One of the funniest things I’d seen in a long time. The most talented preview, though, was Mythed. Funny, witty, smart as hell and super talented, very entertaining stuff and I hopeto see them.
This guy, not so interesting. I don’t know, he just sort of rambled on and on. It was totally that gen X/gen Y navel gazingwe’ve gotten so used to. He kept telling us he was in the top ten of the Toronto Fringe Festival and I figured that either said a lot about the quality of the Toronto Fringe or he was leaving out an important element such as ‘Top 10 Boring’ or ‘Top 10 Shows to see out of pity’. Perhaps I didn’t get to see enough in the 5-7 minute vignette and maybe I just saw the worst of it and the rest was a million times better.
Now we have to decide what else to see. Betsy’s brother is in a show, and I want to see that. David knows a few people either in shows or who have written them and I’d like to see those too.
Ah well, the day’s getting away from me and the dogs need to run and play at the dog park.
Today I look like a mongoloid Jeffy. I need a haircut!
Surprise!
Dear uterus,
I know you know I don’t really care for you. I know we battle a lot. I know it bugs you that I imagine you look like a bosc pear. I know you have this warped sense of the world. What I don’t understand is why you feel it is necessary to spring the monthly reminder of your existence on me whenever I get new underwear! Nice, brand new pair of underwear to be relegated to the ‘that time of the month’ pile in the back of the drawer. What is it with you? Do you sense the new panties and think it would only be polite for you to go introduce yourself to them? My panties don’t need to meet you! They can’t even see you! You’re tucked neatly inside my body. You don’t see my colon sending out a ‘welcome to the neighborhood’ basket with every new pair of underpants, do you? NO! Good lord! I realize now that it is useless to track your activities on my calender, you refuse to listen. No, from now on I will just know that if there are new panties you’ll throw your usual fit and re-create the latest Rob Zombie movie in my pants.
I hate you.
Dear everyone else
I know i owe a lot of you emails and I am sorry. Someday. Soon.
So all weekend long I was beating myself up over the stupidest things. No one has a magnifying glass as strong as mine when it comes to finding flaws. over and over again I was forming entries to type up that were pretty much “the problem with me is…”.
I’m lucky, though. If I am sad or grumpy and I tell David that I just feel really unattractive he’s really nice about it. he doesn’t just tell me I look pretty or tell me to buck up, he says other things, the right things. He says the things that make me remember that I don’t always feel this way.
I remember that I feel this way whenever my uterus decides to stage a rebellion. This seems to happen every 28 days. weird.
I need to hang up my artwork and decorate my house now. I am missing a couple prints that I was sure I packed. Where did I put them? I don’t know. Fuck. I also need to go to IKEA and buy frames for things. My birthday card from Dena and Levi featured a dinosaur that Levi painted, I need to get a frame for that and for a few other things. I dread going to IKEA because I know I will spend money. Lots of it. I know I will be drawn to the section with the party supplies and I will buy them out of napkins and plates and geegaws to spread across the house. I know I will find more serving dishes to use at the party.
I know I should never go shopping with my hormones like this.
Tonight I plan to super chill with the dogs while David is out. Maybe lay out the stuff that needs to be hung up and figure out what needs frames. Who wants to go to IKEA with me and be responsible for my actions?
Anyone?
hip hoppity
It’snotperfectly clean in here but it’s notnearly as obnoxious as it was. It seemsa shame to waste a beautiful day like this staying inside and cleaning, but it just had to be done.
and it had tobe donein rabbit ears. Don’t ask me why.
Have I mentioned how much I love my vacuum cleaner? If not, letmetell you,I love this thing. It’s an amazing piece of machinery AND I got it for less than half price which makes it even better.
You know what else I got for cheap? My camera and printer. The printer can hook up to a computer and print or you can attach your camera to it and print from there. not only can you do that but you can edit your photos on the camera itself before you print them. HUZZAH. Today I actually took the time and figured it all out and printed a picture of a close up of Ghengis’ face. Now I need picture frams and lots of them. Lots of them. And I need places to stick all these framed photos.
I think IKEA is calling my name…saying ‘heather…come buy frames from me…’ and I am saying ‘yeah…okay…’
The problem with having a digital camera is that you photodocument everything without worrying about film or anything. Today I memorialized the process of making 2 americanos for breakfast (hot for him, iced for me). I have a billion dog pictures. I have a macro-photo of the sushi on my purse. I am snap-happy (which is not the same as snapper-happy).
Once I get the USB cable I can start printing up old pictures. I’m pretty excited about that. I don’t know how long the ink tanks last. They’re fairly cheap to purchase so i suspect they don’t last long. Surprisingly, Amazon has the cheapest prices. I’ll probably order some just to have on hand for when I do run out. What I like is that each tank replaces seperately so you’re not tossing out partially full tanks just to replace an empty color.
Last night I heard the two filthiest, most obnoxious jokes ever. I couldn’t ever repeat them. Just terrible. I laughed so hard. I am so wrong.
Okay, the house is clean, the pictures they do print, I’m hungry!
I have to go get the laundry and do the dishes. Exciting?
There’s a dime shortage
someone’s been feeding dimes to the crazies again!
I love love love my new little camera! I can make the stupidest little movies and send them out. I sent a hugely unattractive one to Lily yesterday.
So, we were all talking about car accidents. I don’t want to be injured in a car accident, I’d rather die than be disfigured. Now, granted, the Volvo makes a tank of a car that cannot be destroyed, my car has airbags, supplemental airbags, side curtains. Damn thing’s safer than my Saab! Anyway, I still don’t want to be disfigured in an accident.
I figure at the slightest impact I’ll just lose my will to live and die right there. The officers will be confused, but what the hell are you going to do? I don’t want to spend my life speaking at high schools about the day a drunk drive changed my life forever.
Lily and I exchanged videos, mine was my interpretation of me having to speak at a high school assembly. Hers was considerably less distasteful and featured her rocking out, if only for a few short seconds.
Love this camera I tell you.
Okay, the rumors about me being a total pig are true! I went to Evergreen for lunch with Mike. Had the tofu skin salad and the curried rice noodles, Mike had the Mandarin beef. We ate a little less than half and brought the rest home. Mike didn’t like his so I took it.
Came home, hungout with the boy, discovered that i was so impossible hungry and we cracked them open and ate them (I mostly ate the meat as he doesn’t). In 45minutes I’m going to eat chinese food with Dena and Levi! David Fong’s, BABY!
Man, I thought I had been to Evergreen with David. I guess I was wrong. We’ll to go.
Okay, time to put on some pants and go eat with the pals.
Keep your pimp hand strong you batshit crazy motherfucker!