I know

I know, I need to relax. I need to stop piling more things on. I took a guided meditation class once, it was designed to teach me to stop and focus, to calm myself and meditate. I sat in the class quietly crying because I could not bring myself to relax enough to focus on the imaginary spinning thing in my chest. I sat in this class weeping silently because I had failed at relaxing.
I create situation after situation that requires my attention and my problem solving. New place, new dog, new car. These get nestled into the various other constants in my life that also need my attentions, boyfriend, original dog, planning holiday parties, job.
I’m getting old. I admit it. These things that I used to thrive on, these constant challenges, the use of skills that are to me ineffable, now exhaust me. One of my dreams in life was kids. 4 kids. When I was younger I imagined coordinating the lives of 6 people, myself, my partner, our 4 kids. Soccer practice, band practice, braces, conferences in which I defend the honor of my child to the �ber-authoritarian principal, making costumes of mushrooms or idaho. This is not happening but the base need is still in place and so i am creating it for myself and it’s tiring.
For the first time in months i spent a good deal of time just sitting and reading. This weekend I pulled out my collection of Ramona books. Any girl my age knows Ramona, she read the books, we all did. We loved them. I have the bulk of them and I re-read them this weekend. An hour here, an hour there. It was relaxing. It was escapist.
But it wasn’t enough. I’m not sleeping well, I can’t shake this sore throat/earache, I can’t concentrate on the most mundane tasks.
I don’t need a vacation, I don’t need time off or away, I don’t need a massage or better food or a good night’s sleep. What I need is to learn to relax.
I opened up this page intending to write about the quiet beauty of sitting next to someone dear and watching fireworks, the joy of holding hands while walking through a little traveling carnival. I was going to write about finding a little goat tied to the ferris wheel and as I went over to pet it a small boy walked by and yelled “hello doggie!” then walked away, amusing me to no end.
I wanted to write about 4 of July bbq’s, grilled corn and chicken and steak and brats and turkey breasts, and tofu-brats and onions and peppers, of curried potato salad and mixed fruit ginger trifle and malternatives.
but I didn’t. My stomach hurts and I need to learn to relax.
1) stop creating new conflict for myself
2) stop taking on other people’s issues as my own
3) calm all the current issues before bringing on new ones


1) my phone battery died, if you called and I didn’t answer that’s probably why.
2) Good luck to dena! she interviews with eight (8!!) people this morning (one interview, 8 people grilling her). You’ll do great, darling, you’re going to get the job!
3) there was a goat tied to the ferris wheel last night.