HIHIhihi HI!! HI! My name is Chester 12Pound and I am the Little Dog who knows the thing that is All Of The Stuff! Today is a time I have to tell a Very Important Thing.
Okay! First. Last week we went in the new car and they brought me to the place of The Vet and do you want to know a thing? The Lady and The Man made me go in there ALL BY MYSELF!! They did not even come inside with me! And when I was inside they stuck something in my butt and then they SHAVED MY BELLY!! I’m not even going to ask if you can believe a thing because I know you can not believe a thing. I was so mad that I was going to go home and hide my special bone for 2 DAYS! 2 DAYS!!
They finally took me to a room with The Lady and The Hairy Lady and they were looking at pictures and The Lady was crying. She saw me and she hugged me and told me that I was So Good! And that I could go home and have an Ice Cream.
That is when I knew a thing. It’s a thing that all little dogs know about. I knew that I was going to have to go soon. It is a truth that is known and it can make for real sadnesses.
But also with your sadnesses you should think about the things that are good, too. I am 14 1/2 and I have done so many things!
I was a sketchy personal injury lawyer. I got to go to the dog park and I got to do RUNRUNRUN so many times with so many dogs. I told jokes to my dog friends and they laughed and that felt pretty good.
I founded The Greater Bathroom and Hallway Community College with Maddie and I got to be a great professor who told other dogs and people ideas that they should know about.
I found an inside out toad and I rolled around on it until I was covered in inside out toad! One time I ate an entire batch of chocolate chip cookies and then I puked them all up under the bed. Another time I ate a whole bag of peanuts and I didn’t chew them so when I went poohibbity it was all of the same peanuts!! In a pile!
Every day I yelled at the mailman when he came to the house and every day he ran away before he even tried to come inside. And I scared him so much that when we moved to Vermont he didn’t even try to follow us. And I yelled at Fat Squirrel. Fat squirrel is the thing that is SO STUPID!!! He doesn’t even know how to be a way, he can just be fat squirrel.
I went camping and I went in canoes and I got to sleep in tents and I found new and more deliciously stinky things to roll in or eat. I went to farms and I yelled at sheep and I met other dogs and I found more things to roll in. The best place to find the things that are good to roll in is farms! But don’t let The Lady catch you or you have to have a bath and all the sheep find out and they laugh at you! Stupid sheep! This is why you should always yell at sheep. They don’t even know a thing.
Maddie and I made an internationally famous action news network. The Puff Snuzzle Action News Network has so many respects because we tell you a thing! Action News, When You Need It. And we weren’t like stupid Bick Stickerson over at W-Peef-Poff-N Super News! He was always so dumb. The only thing Bick Stickerson knows how to be is stupid! One time someone gave him a peanut butter biscuit and he was so happy but it was just an empty lotion bottle!! We did SO MANY laughs!
I made friends and I loved people and so many people loved me. I got to run in the mountains and one time I thought the canoe was not in the water so I jumped out BUT IT WAS STILL IN THE WATER!! I got wet all over me! I did nudity dances in the park and chased cats and got chased by cats. I got brushes and belly rubs and snugs. I snooched in the sun and snugged by the woodstove. I was never sure about which people I should like, so mostly I just liked a few. But the people that I did like were good people through and through and I will miss them.
I don’t know what the other side is like, no one does. Maybe Maddie is waiting for me, maybe I’ll finally get to meet Ghengis. Maybe it is a forever snooch, that might be okay. I’m pretty tired. But maybe The Lady and The Man will already be there and I’ll remember that I’ve always been there, that we’ve always been there and also we were here. I don’t know, I’m just a little dog.
I don’t know what’s there but I have my little coat and my special bone and the lady is packing up some peanut butter biscuits for me.
Be good to each other, jump out of canoes and do nudity dances. When you love someone lay down by them and tell them they are beautiful and good. Wear your little coat when it’s cold and go to the park when it’s warm. Always move your special bone in the morning and at night; make sure the lady sees that you are moving your bone so she can tell you how good you are. If you find food on the ground, eat it fast before someone can take it away.
Always stop and snuffle the p-mail.