To my coworkers

Various things that need to be said to my coworkers based on conversations I’ve had today.
1) I do not ask my boyfriend permission to see my friends. My boyfriend does not dictate who can or cannot be my friend. If I ever get to the point where my S/O starts dictating such things in my life I want to be shot in the head as there can be nowhere good to go from there. Also, I think you are a prick and a dumbass to suggest that I might need permission to visit my friends (or what to write on my website, how to dress, who to be friends with or what to name my pets).
2) Do not write in the fucking catalog. Are you retarded? I don’t need a catalog that the entire department uses marked up because you are too lazy to write down a 6 character alphanumeric string. When I ask “Are you retarded?” it’s not a rhetorical question.
3) Stop telling me about the underage girls you find hot. It’s creepy that some of them are younger than your own daughter. You are a creepy son of a bitch and if you never come to my desk to talk to me again it would be too soon.