You know how much I hate it when you do it, tossing your half smoked camel into the sink. This time you look me in the eye, challenging me to say something. I match your stare, I’ve nothing more to lose.
Like everything else, it’s a draw, we look away at the same time.
I light another cigarette and cross my arms, staring at nothing, taking everything in. I can feel it in you, the rage and hatred, the resentment, the tantrum-like insistence that it’s my fault.
The smoke fills the kitchen, the ghost of our regret, the ghost of what we were.
I offer you the pack, but you look away. The need gnaws at you, I could see it in your clenched fists, you need me to apologize, to shoulder the burden.
My silence breaks your will. You’re gone forever starting with the first step. One gulp, you finish your Jack, the glass shatters inches from my head. No reaction, you won’t get it from me. Just go.
With every breath after the door shuts behind you I feel your hate dissipate into the walls, disappearing.
Monthly Archives: August 2004
Dear Abby
So I’m in the middle of a love life type quandary at the moment (the details of which I won’t share here and surprisingly, it’s probably not the kind of quandary you think). I’ve spent a lot of time pondering the situation in my head, trying to look at it from a bunch of different angles. Yesterday, I decided it was time to seek out advice from my friends.
You learn a lot about your friends and family just by listening to their advice. They tell you what they would do in the situation. My more emotional friends give me advice dealing with emotions, the more rational give me logical advice (obviously). I look at the advice and suddenly I see my friends in a whole new light, their advice to me gives me insight into them. Also, asking for advice like this give you a chance to see how well your friends know you. Some friends don’t realize just how deeply I analyze a situation internally before I go to other people. If I find myself saying, “I already thought of that” or “I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!!!” then I realize that these people don’t know me too well.
Funny thing is, I’ve gotten such conflicting bits of advice, all making sense in their own way, that I’m stuck right back where I started, unable to decide how to proceed. I think I need to present all the facts to all of my friends at once and let them battle it out til they come to one unified decision. Of course, I won’t believe them or take their advice, I just want to know what they’d say.
Who missed me?
My party animal of a puppy missed me.
I’m home, exhausted, starving, headachy, and happy. I’m glad to be home, I miss my friends, though. Back to work tomorrow, going to work would seem a drag, but really, it’s where I unwind after vacations! Work is almost like a vacation from my life!
Of course, if you’re my boss and reading this you should interpret that as “Working for my boss is such a joy that i feel I should be allowed to do it for free!”
Goodbye
14th and Mass, crying like a baby, saying goodbye to someone very special. You forget that there are people willing to go out of their way, to inconvenience themselves, to be kind to you. The generosity of others is something that sticks with you longer than anything.
My ride will be here soon, I don’t think it has ever been so hard to walk away from a city before.
The slow slide
The show last night was FANTASTIC. If you know me, you know why this is an incredible statement. I hate bar shows, I hate the crowds, the standing, the shuffling, the inability to see, the long sets by bands I’ve never heard of(I even skipped seeing Mike Doughty, who I love, because I didn’t liek the venue he was at). Leave it to Mark to pick bands and a venue that would change all that for me. We got there, met our friend James (who doesn’t have a website but should), and managed to be early enough to be at the stage.
The first band was okay, I think everyone liked them more than I did. They weren’t bad, just not great. The second band, Rogue Wave was very very good. They rocked hard. AC Newman was the headliner and was also incredibly good. The keyboard/guitar guy was right above me, we played a little eye tag, that made my night. Mark has incredibly good taste in music.
So, after hours of rocking out, and many vodka tonics, Mark drove us over to DC culinary institution Ben’s Chili Bowl for 2am chili cheese fries! We talked, we laughed, we talked some more. Sitting there at 2:30 in the morning with people who are genuinely fun and interesting, just cemented my decision to move here.
Back at the hotel by 3am. The stress, the running, the 4 week low grade fever, the 2am chili-cheese fries, the decisions, everything that sits on my soul lately just came crashing down. Unfortunately, there’s no one you can call in the middle of the night. I rode it out til dawn and called my mom. Mom’s are good, you can call them, bawling your head off and they make it better with just a sentence or two. Lovely.
Mark picks me up in the morning and we head to Virginia to an Indian Buffet brunch. Yeah, that’s right…brunch, in Virginia, an Indian Buffet! I met a lot of Mark’s friends and ate a lot of Indian food (though not as much as I would have, 2am chili cheese fries…).
After brunch we headed to Whole Foods where we discovered they had no espresso!!!!! I left Mark with the cryptic shopping list and headed to Starbucks (there’s one on EVERY corner). Crisis averted I found Mark, harassed the uninformed cheese counter lady and we headed back to his place with the fixings for a very nice meal.
Dinner was rack of lamb with a beurre rouge, mashed yukon golds with burnt green onions and asparagus with lemon butter. Mark’s friend Amy joined us. Personally, I think there is nothing more fulfilling than feeding people good food and to watch Mark and Amy inhale their dinners was satisfying, I even gave Mark my last lamb chop just to watch him enjoy it.
I go home tomorrow, James is taking me to the airport after I have a last lunch with Mark. I know I’ll cry, I’m a girl like that, but if anything was made clear to me this weekend it was that I am making the right choice.