and she says i like long walks and sci-fi movies
if you’re six foot tall and east coast bred
some lonely night we can get together
and i’m gonna tie your wrists with leather
and drill a tiny hole into your head
more than a little addicted to Fake Palindromes by Andrew Bird.

A billion years ago, in the primordial ooze I first came to life. It was my first life, the first of many i would apparently have over the next billion or so years, and it would seem i am on track for many more lives. In that initial life, when my form could only be described as “gelatinous slime” and my thought process as “poor, but shows potential”, I ate something. I don’t know what it was, I think it may have been orange and most likely slimy or oozy.
Immediately after this curious meal of mine, the sticky currents changed and I was killed.
Many more incarnations occurred and many more curious meals devoured until the advent of the ‘baby carrot’ and the ‘chee-toh’, and yet it would seem that through time and across these many lives I’ve managed to carry that first meal with me. It has been an intestinal traveling companion of which I was unaware.
Unaware until Monday afternoon when it suddenly resuscitated itself in my lower colon. The colon of a modern day human may seem similar to the sulphuric burpings of the primordia, but this little orange fella knew things were not as they should be. He awoke, took stock of his surroundings and made the only logical decision, he attacked.
His attack was swift and unexpected, he demanded escape and what could I do but comply? I underestimated him. Perhaps he learned much during that billion year journey with me, all i know is that he is a brilliant tactician and a fearless warrior. He managed to unite the various intestinal factions that reside at or against their will in my abdomen. They came together against a common enemy and they have been fighting non-stop this entire time.
I plead with them, I beg them to listen to reason. I am not keeping them here against their will, they are free to leave any time they like, i just ask that they do so in an orderly fashion. There is no need for them to paint their faces blue and charge like a valiant but retarded Mel Gibson led army! I offer safe and free passage! Just get on the train!
Entropy. Rhinoceritus. Mob rule. Call it what you will, they will not listen. They have been battling a non enemy since Monday and i am tired. I missed my movie this morning, I can’t even walk the dogs because I fear being more than 10 feet away from the toilet, I will miss my fireworks tonight. I drank an entire liter of Pedialyte this morning hoping the eternal purple grapeness of it all would calm them, lead them to negotiate. Failure. They turned the Pedialyte against me just as they turned the oatmeal against me.
I give! Don’t you see the white flags I keep waving?? I am sure the Geneva Conventions mention this specifically. This has to be illegal! Three days this has gone on. The original orange meal is long gone, possibly spreading discontent among the sewers, i don’t know.
I will take my case to Bush! He adores these types of situations! I’ll just whisper something about mass destruction…he won’t even have to hear the rest of the sentence! awesome.
Happy 4th people! May every explosion you see in the sky tonight remind you of the battle being fought in my insides.

I am probably the only north american consumer of my generation that did not watch the transformers. I just didn’t. They were all angular and angry and blowing shit up. Me? I was a Go-Bots kinda gal. Less anger, less blowing up of shit. Wednesday morning, at 9:30 AM I will be watching the transformers movie. Why? Because my boyfriend and his friends and their friends are nerds.
I don’t think I can eat popcorn at 9:30. I’m going to insist on chocolate peanuts and an ICEE. If I have to get my ass out of bed early on the greatest holiday in american history (besides arbor day and flag day) I deserve peanuts and chocolate.
To write this post I had to engage in my retarded link-finding procedure again. Delving into my stats allowed me to peruse the links and search terms again. (since I am on David’s computer I cannot post screen shots. I am retarded and have forgotten how to navigate a PC)
1) it seems that there is some link to me from somebody’s myspace blog. Weird? superweird. Who are you on myspace that has linked to me? It doesn’t show up in the url.
2) Ever since writing a post about my pendulous breasts and the bras necessary to keep them aloft about 87 of the 102 search terms involve boobs, tits, bras, or bosoms in such combinations as “granny boobs” “giant bras boobs” “huge pendulous boobs” “i dont care much for boobs” “boobs in dressing room” and “volvo convertible bra”. I hope that in some way I have been able to fulfill your boob related needs in some way.
3) “how to incapacite someone” someone went onto the internet on a quest for knowledge. They wanted to know how to how to incapacite (sic) someone. Their search led them to me. Once again, I hope that I was able to answer that question for them.
4) “hindu astronauts religion” um…ditto
5) quite a few searches for me specifically, you know, putting in my name and city and things like that. hmmmm who are you? why are you looking for me? Should I get out my hittin’ stick?
6) this is my personal favorite, “she pooped her pants”. Awesome. Who are you people? how do you end up here?
I’m off. I’ve got to ponder the religion of hindu astronauts while incapacitating people.