shhhh don’t tell David

Last night I was winding a couple of skeins into balls when i got to thinking. They two skeins came from my mom’s friend, Susie, including the very beautiful ‘Irises’ colorway. All of the yarn I’ve gotten from her has been sock weight which is awesome, but I don’t really make socks and there I was….thinking
If I started spinning my own yarn, I could not only get the colors I want, but also the weight I want. So I started researching, and looking up classes and wondering if I would save money by spinning my own yarn. And if i did not save any money, would it be worth it to get exactly what I wanted? It might be.
I started imagining the felted purses I could create. Not only would they be my own designs and patterns, but also my very own wool! Awesome? yeah! Then all the wealthy wieners that live by my auntie sue could buy my purses for a stupidly expensive amount of money and stop trying to take the purse I made for her. We would all be winners!
Okay, I’m getting ahead of myself. First I need to learn. Actually, first David and i need to buy a house so i have the room to take on a new project like this! So, don’t tell David because I think the last thing he needs is for me to yet another hobby that costs money!

on second thought

I don’t think I want to know any of you guys anymore. You are one truly screwed up group of people. It’s not even the end of the month and I have 3 pages of fucked up search phrases.
So, let’s break it down, shall we
Page 1

  • I know I cover this every time, but if you know the name of the website, why are you searching for it?
  • all y’all are just a little too obsessed with boobs! Alaska boobs? Difference of boobs? boobs. Come on, you’re not 12 year old boys! And if you are a 12 year old boy, go to a different website! There’s nothing for you here. Any discussion of sex in this blog will likely make you gay and blind.
  • Attention men! ATTENTION!!! One of you has a girlfriend out there who is trying to learn how circumcision is performed. It seems she has found the information she needs from my site. If I were you, I would leave soon and never look back. She’s gonna Bobbitt your ass.
  • lanolin shar pei? A shar pei is an awesome and sweet dog. Lanolin is one of the foulest and stinkiest substances in the world. The merest wiff of lanolin makes me want to run, any more than that and I want to heave and my head hurts.
  • See poop! SEE POOP! YEAH!
  • Homemade sleep pills. Man I WISH I had that on my site.
  • Cerebellar coning in dogs. What?

Page 2

  • Wow, lots of mentions of pee, bladders and bursting.
  • Hey, guy whose lady is planning on circumsising him….looks like she’s also trying to learn to ‘incapacite’ (sic) a guy
  • More boobs! You love the boobs! Not the titties or the breasts or the bumblebops! Boobs!!
  • Leminger! A dude recently commented that his last name is Leminger! In searching out his family, he discovered me and my jam. If I knew where he was, I’d send him and his family a case of Leminger (and don’t any of you email me to say that your name is “Def Strawberry Jam” or “Merciful Peaches” I will see through your deceptions
  • Sore throat sore muscles? Take a break once in a while.

Page 3

  • Ant porn? Is there ant porn? why were you looking up ant porn and more importantly, how come you got directed to me upon searching for this?
  • dicks! The awesomeness of this is that someone searched for the word “dicks” and got sent to me. Dicks! What posseses anyone to search for the word dicks without modifying it in any way like “humongous dicks” “most people are dicks” “why do dicks smell like corn nuts”. So instead you search for the single word ‘dicks’
    I just did that search and some 12.2 million results returned and ten pages into the results I still didn’t see my site. This tells me that someone searched for ‘dicks’ and spent hours reading minidescriptions until they found me. AWESOME!

  • ‘swallow oxyclean’. No. Do not swallow OxyClean.
  • ‘Where is the cerebellum and what does it look like’. The cerebellum is in your head, and it looks like brain. Fucking zombies, why do you even care what the parts of the brain look like. Just fucking eat it.
  • who the hell has a ‘big iron collection’? who collects irons??
  • ‘peed forever’. sometimes, yeah.

Yeah, so you guys are freaks