It’s been almost 9 months since I lost Ghengis and if I were to predict anything, I would have predicted that I would have felt a little better by now. I’ll have a day or two where I think I’m doing okay and then I’ll realize that the boulder in my chest isn’t supposed to be there.
On some level I’ve gotten so used to my grief I forget it’s there. On another, entirely stronger level, I still grieve every day.
Sometimes it’s so heavy I’m not even sure what to do about it. I can’t call anyone, I’ve already called everyone. Nine months of grief is not a burden other people want. It is not a burden other people could take on even if I could hand it over. I’m losing friends. I can’t maintain friendships because I know I’m not exactly the funnest person to be around. It takes a lot of energy, energy that I don’t have, to be normal and social. I crave my crochet, my dvd’s, my crossword puzzles.
I want to go out with my friends, I want to go camping and hiking with David, I want my friends to come in from out of town, but I don’t have the energy to coordinate any of this.
I want a night where my dreams don’t involve running towards the street but never getting there, never getting to Ghengis. I want to get through a week without hiding in the shower or basement or bedroom or work bathroom and silently crying into my hands. I want a month to pass without the overwhelming urge to punch someone.
I check petfinder religiously wondering if maybe another litter of Ghengises was born and brought to the shelter. It happened once before, right after I got Maddie. Maybe it would happen again, right?
It’s all just so exhausting.
Monthly Archives: July 2007
beep
1) I am addicted to crossword puzzles. I do at least 2 or 3 a day. On the weekends it is not uncommon for me to do over 10. I do everything from the NYT to the Merriam Websters. I’m not saying I’m great at them, I just love them. Sometimes David and i work together, sometimes he thinks I am insane. I am insane and I like crossword puzzles.
2) Speaking of loving things, I’m still pretty deeply in love with SudBot, the dishwasher of caramelly goodness
3) in the few weeks that we have been looking at houses they’ve managed to get even cheaper! Awesome. I mean I guess not so awesome for the thousands of people foreclosed upon. It kind of feels like buying one of those really cheap houses is just me feeding on the corpses of the victims of unethical lending practices and american capitalism gone too far, but on the other hand, hey, cheap house. And seriously, you can’t even argue with me on the points of unethical lending or capitalism gone too far, you should have seen the mortgage dude we first talked to. he was like a creepy car salesman. When we told him that the figures he was pulling were definitely above what we were comfortable with as a monthly payment he tried to pull some flash and magic and ran up all kinds of numbers about tax decuctions and returns and for a minute we were mesmerized. Then we woke up and realized that his calculations were way off base, his figures were wrong and he obviously didn’t know how to calculate deductions. You know there was a minute there where we did think “yeah, he’s right…” and luckily we woke up. Now, this guy was actually at a reputable firm and we are fairly well up on the situation. Imagine some of the really slimey guys and the people who don’t know or don’t understand how these things work, they just trust that the professional in front of them knows what he’s talking about. So, yeah, the meaty corpse of the american dream is being served up on my plate and I’m not sure how to feel about it.
4) Fucking Awesome! Of course by “awesome” i mean “awesome if you like Radiohead and cool flash illustration
5) bunny hats with adjustable ears, dolls to sell on etsy, felted purse made from yarn died for me.
6) I have $40 worth of Door county sour cherries coming to me next week. Cherry jam is back on the menu. Also time to get the jams for the state fair together.
Ways in which I am a jerk #3419
I finally saw Brokeback Mountain last week. I know, i know, 8 million years late. Whatever.
I’m sitting there watching it and I didn’t like it. The whole world loves this tender story of gay cowboys and I’m sitting there thinking “what a couple of jerks!”
First off, the script sucked, the dialogue sucked, the premise was completely forced and retarded. A couple of sly glances, a forced kiss and suddenly there’s copiuos unlubricated anal sex? Um, what the hell?
Then there’s the characters. Okay, fine, I can accept that the time/location situation would call for gay cowboys to marry women and have babies and appear straight. I can also accept that married gay cowboys with children probably still want to have sex with other gay cowboys. But do the married gay cowboys have to be such assholes to everyone? I looked at this movie and didn’t see the sad story of a love that could never be, I saw the story of a couple of selfish jackasses being mean to people to get what they wanted. You love your gay cowboy more than your wife? Sure, okay, but she mothered your children and is providing an effective beard for your secrets, maybe be nice to her. Maybe don’t treat her like an annoyance. Maybe having and maintaining a long term job to support your children is a little more important than mountain sex.
And finally, why didn’t he fish? Obviously they had to stop fucking once in a while to eat or ride horses and whatnot. Why not go get some fish? Does secret gay sex make you never want to fish? Why wouldn’t he fish? He’s out there, the river is there, they have to eat something other than jerky. I don’t believe that they wouldn’t fish. They forced this detail in without even thinking about it.
So, in conclusion, I take the most beloved PC love story of our time and hate it. Next thing you know I’ll be stomping kittens and running sweatshops. I’m a jerk.
oh yeah?
Dear Citizens of Planet Earth
You are probably wondering what that 23% rise in planetary joy is all about. Yeah, you are. That happiness is my new dishwasher and the total erasure of that area of stress in my life! No longer will I ponder just blowing my kitchen up to avoid washing the dishes, Now I have a dishwasher!
I used to wonder how cavemen got by without dishwashers and I realized that that’s probably why they died out.
Oh, and for those of you who are like “dude, doing dishes isn’t that bad!”…Yeah, um shut up! okay, shut up.
bunny baby bumpo bam
I have been waiting a long time to post my newest project!!
Jen the master of payroll is having a little girl any minute now. When we discussed what I would make for her, she didn’t know what colors or themes she might have, just that it was a girl and everyone was making her blankets. Well, far be it from me to go with the crowd.
The awesome part of the gift I don’t have a photo for. Anna drew a wonderful and funny one page comic depicting the “little bunny foo foo” story. I was completely awed by her work and I don’t even have an image to share with you. Sad. I’ll see what I can do.
She made her comic based on the items I made for the baby.
A baby bunny suit with a hood and ears!
A baby bunny back end
The outfit is machine washable, but the tail is not so i attached it by button so that it could be easily removed for washing.
Baby bunny ears!!!
you can’t have a baby bunny outfit without baby bunny feet!
Oh my god! Little toes!!
The good fairy that defends the mice and offends the bunny.
I even made little wings for her. I wish I had a better shot of her hair, it was pretty awesome if I do say so myself.
The goon! When you bop the mice on the head you get turned into a GOON!
poor, lumpy, misshapen goon
not only does he have a pointed head but she gave him a big butt as well.
But you know what they say: Hare today, Goon tomorrow!
I also made 3 little mice but forgot to photograph them. I am rather pleased with the entire set. All the patterns are my own original creations with the exception of the mice (that pattern was just so CUTE). I could not find a crocheted baby outfit that looked the way i wanted it to so I sat down and made my own. Let me tell you, it’s one thing to design your own dolls and blankets, but clothing is an entirely different thing. This pattern took 4 iterations and killed 14 trees. In the end, it was exactly what I wanted.
And here are the dogs pretending to be tough.