el coruzón del sol

I hit a dip in the road of my mind early in October, it was a hard time all around. To know me is to know that I have a low level anxiety that loops around in my head sort of constantly. On occasion the anxiety kicks itself up and I find myself wading around in a soup of unpleasantness.
I spent most of this month worrying about everything, was I fucking up my life somehow? was I making poor decisions? was I wasting some unseen opportunity? I don’t know! I mean look at most of the people that you know who are fucking things up, it’s not like they can see what’s happening! How would I know, I’m in the middle of whatever I’m fucking up, I can’t see from the outside.
Things were not so good, but as these things go, they got better. I analyzed the hell out of it and got a grip on myself. Am I fucking things up? I don;t know but I guess it depends on your definition of ‘fuck up’. I have a good job, I have my own place, I pay my bills as soon as they arrive (except my insurance, I threw that in my purse and totally forgot about it!) because I can, I have a good relationship with someone who is kind and intelligent and fun, I have my dogs and they seem generally content with the situation.
There are things I could be doing, I suppose if I put forth the effort I could be president of the moon someday, but I don’t want to be. I prefer a quieter life and I have that.
And, so while you really should not trust the self-assessments issued forth by the crazy people, I think I can safely say I am doing okay.
And I’ve become more productive! I’m cooking dinners more often, cleaning things up, keeping track of stuff better. Sure, we still have ‘chips and salsa’ nights (how could you not when you have a stocked supply of Herdez Salsa Verde straight from Mexico? I’m trying to be judicious in my eating of the Salsa Verde, but it’s hard!), but I’m really trying to put a meal in front of David on more nights than I am not.
It’s important to me. It is my way of saying he is worth the effort. And he seems to appreciate the effort. It works out.
Speaking of…
Last night I peeled and shredded 2 small potatoes, drained and rinsed 1 can of chick peas which I then ground in the food processor. Combined potaotes and chick peas and 1 egg and a little olive oil and lots of spices (cinnamon, cardamom, ginger, chili powder, red pepper, salt, pepper, cumin, cardamom). Shaped them into patties anf fried them up. Served them with an onion, apple, raisin, carrot, cinnamon, orange chutney/relish that I invented on the spot.
I thought it was pretty good, but it definitely could have used more flavor. I was worried about overseasoning and it ended up on the bland side. next time, garlic and lemon and oregano will be added to the patties (which were a lot like soft falafel) and the sauce will be closer to a puttanesca (sans the olives, I hate olives).
My audiobooks idea has been going swimmingly! Keeps me productive! I went to go by another as I am almost done with ‘The Year of Magical Thinking’. The iTunes interface kind of sucks, I really dont like it. I end up having to go to Amazon.com and looking up things I am interested in and then going back to iTunes to look for it. I got the bright idea to get “Quicksilver”, Neal Stephenson’s first book in the Baroque cycle. Now I like Stephenson, I think he writes good stuff. I also think he writes too fucking much in his stuff. Brevity and getting to the point are concepts lost on him. I figured I could get the audiobook and get through the daunting Quicksilver faster. First off, it was $47, I’m not spending $47 on an audiobook that I will likely only listen to once. And why would I only listen to it once? Well, because it’s 22 goddammed hours long!
I’m pretty sure I don;t even have 22 hours left in this life! I downloaded “Anansi Boys” by Neil Gaiman and should be starting that tonight.
Speaking of…
I’ve got dishes to do so I can make us some dinner. Can you put molé on salmon? I’m gonna find out (david will get tofu. We know you can stick mole on tofu).
So long, party people.