A billion years ago, in the primordial ooze I first came to life. It was my first life, the first of many i would apparently have over the next billion or so years, and it would seem i am on track for many more lives. In that initial life, when my form could only be described as “gelatinous slime” and my thought process as “poor, but shows potential”, I ate something. I don’t know what it was, I think it may have been orange and most likely slimy or oozy.
Immediately after this curious meal of mine, the sticky currents changed and I was killed.
Many more incarnations occurred and many more curious meals devoured until the advent of the ‘baby carrot’ and the ‘chee-toh’, and yet it would seem that through time and across these many lives I’ve managed to carry that first meal with me. It has been an intestinal traveling companion of which I was unaware.
Unaware until Monday afternoon when it suddenly resuscitated itself in my lower colon. The colon of a modern day human may seem similar to the sulphuric burpings of the primordia, but this little orange fella knew things were not as they should be. He awoke, took stock of his surroundings and made the only logical decision, he attacked.
His attack was swift and unexpected, he demanded escape and what could I do but comply? I underestimated him. Perhaps he learned much during that billion year journey with me, all i know is that he is a brilliant tactician and a fearless warrior. He managed to unite the various intestinal factions that reside at or against their will in my abdomen. They came together against a common enemy and they have been fighting non-stop this entire time.
I plead with them, I beg them to listen to reason. I am not keeping them here against their will, they are free to leave any time they like, i just ask that they do so in an orderly fashion. There is no need for them to paint their faces blue and charge like a valiant but retarded Mel Gibson led army! I offer safe and free passage! Just get on the train!
Entropy. Rhinoceritus. Mob rule. Call it what you will, they will not listen. They have been battling a non enemy since Monday and i am tired. I missed my movie this morning, I can’t even walk the dogs because I fear being more than 10 feet away from the toilet, I will miss my fireworks tonight. I drank an entire liter of Pedialyte this morning hoping the eternal purple grapeness of it all would calm them, lead them to negotiate. Failure. They turned the Pedialyte against me just as they turned the oatmeal against me.
I give! Don’t you see the white flags I keep waving?? I am sure the Geneva Conventions mention this specifically. This has to be illegal! Three days this has gone on. The original orange meal is long gone, possibly spreading discontent among the sewers, i don’t know.
I will take my case to Bush! He adores these types of situations! I’ll just whisper something about mass destruction…he won’t even have to hear the rest of the sentence! awesome.
Happy 4th people! May every explosion you see in the sky tonight remind you of the battle being fought in my insides.