I’m not always retarded
The other day I was at Target getting those boring things that you don’t care about but need (animal control febreeze, socks, underpants, condoms, scrubbing bubbles, clif bars). I was getting ready to go and decided to take a brief look around at the bras. I have an ample bosom. A really ample bosom. Big, pendulous boobs combined with really narrow shoulders is a problem that television is too ashamed of to talk about. I suffer in silence. Not really, i complain about it alot. The issue is that if you have heavy boobs and narrow shoulders, your boobs pull your bra and your brastraps cannot stay on your shoulders.
For years I had permanent indents on my upper arms from where my brastraps dug in. I would get giant granny bras with 5 hooks and huge padded straps and missile-like cups. It didn’t make a difference, the boobs would pull, the straps would fall and I looked like I was about to engage in some mutually assured destruction with my feet.
All this changed when I discovered the convertible bra. hhhwwwwaaaaaaaa the angels sang to me. A convertible bra is essentially a strapless bra that comes with straps. You can connect them in all manner of configurations or not connect them at all. Of course the very thought of me not using the straps has most major governments pulling out the Geneva Conventions and trying to find the section that applies to charging me with crimes against humanity. I take the straps and have them criss-cross across my back. They can’t fall down my shoulders because I’ve got physics on my side.
Okay, so the STYLE of bra is taken care of, but finding it in my size is sometimes an issue. The thing is, big titted women generally have bad luck with strapless bras because there’s really only so much you can reasonably expect from some fabric, a couple of underwires and fervent prayer. Technically the convertible bras are sold as strapless bras in lots of places. Also, it is assumed that if you have such an ample chest you are either buying your bras at Sex World or you are buying the aforementioned giant granny bras.
So, back to Target. There I am just wandering through, kind of envying my flat chested sisters and all the amazingly cute options they have when i spied GIANT CONVERTIBLE BRAS!!!!! They were big! and convertible! and available in various colors!!! I grabbed one and tried it on and again the angels sang to me (or it was the lady at the desk by the dressing room, i don’t know). It fit! The damned thing fit! The last time i bought a bra at Target it came in a box and reminded me of retirement homes and oatmeal.
I grabbed 4 of those fuckers.
As I was checking out the cashier stopped and looked perplexed. The first bra rang up at the $14.99 suggested retail price, but the other three rang up at $3.74. We were confused. The UPC codes were correct and the description in the computer was correct. We declared it a good day and she was going to go buy a bunch on her break. I would have gotten more, but I felt that karma had already gifted me big time both with finding the bras and with giving me 3 of them at a ridiculous discount. i decided to accept that moment as ‘good’ and not strain the universe.
I love my new bras! The old ones were purchased about a month after I met David, so they’re 2 1/2 years old. They’re tired and busted. The elastic was shot, the underwires were drilling into me like an amoral oil company in the wilds of Alaska, and my boobs were always trying to escape out the bottom of the cups. The new bras hold everything in place. The old bras got old slowly and gradually, I forgot what a new, functional bra felt like.
It kind of feels like it’s pushing your tits up to your chin.

3 thoughts on “Boobs

  1. Hey! I just happened to get one for myself the other day!
    And what I liked the most about it, is that it doesn’t have the plastic thingy from hell that strapless bras usually do, the one that supposedly helps it not slid down your torso when you’re wearing it strap-less?
    Obviously in the type of weather I live in, there is no way that plastic strip can be good.

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