I’ve been home alone since monday. Everyone keeps saying “that must be so cool! you can do all the things you can’t do when David’s around!”. Well, the thing is, there isn’t really anything I can’t do when David’s around except maybe watch Lilo and Stitch on a continuous loop. I’m pretty much doing all the winter things I do when he’s around, playing with the dogs, eating unhealthily, crocheting, watching movies, surfing the net. My friends who know me well know exactly what I’m doing and have come to the rescue.
Last night Alan called me. When someone calls you and says “what are you doing” don’t tell them the truth if the truth is “crocheting a doily” that’s so a-tarded. My anxiety has been getting the better of me lately and I have been holing up in my place and not wanting to be around people. Alan very graciously (and wisely) invited me out to dinner. We had dinner and watched the Rose Bowl and had a few beers and it was the perfect escape for me.
Today Mary and I were commiserating on the weight of winter and how we never go out as much and we just don’t see as many people. We decided to break the cycle. I needed to cook for someone, she needed to get out of her house. She came over and I made pork chops with mol�, rice and spiced black beans (that’s the other thing, when david is home I tend to cook vegetarian for him since I don’t really want to make 2 meals, so i got to eat pork chops!). For dessert I made a loaf of walnut, golden raisin, cardamom bread. Delicious. We even ate at the table like grown ups. She played with my dogs and we talked about this and that and…
I finally got my holiday cards ready for mailing! They go out in the morning before the new postal rates go into effect.
David is on his way home. His trip down was a hard push, drive straight through. The trip back will be slower so I still won’t see him until this weekend, but it is a happiness to know I will see him soon. I have a bit of a reputation for being overly cautious in matters of the heart, sometimes to my own detriment. I am entirely surprised at just how attached I am to this guy. I miss him terribly whenever we are apart and I am so glad to reunite with him. Of course this is not to imply that we should not be apart, just that it’s nice to have someone you miss.
I’m off to work on my little doily and then go read for a bit.
Remember to keep the hot side hot and the cool side cool!

First order of business, my caffeine intake. 4-shot americano in the morning, every morning. Then tea for the rest of the day, my cup at work is twice the size of a regular mug, so when I say I had a cup of tea, i really had two. Today I had a cup of earl grey, a cup of lemon mat� and a cup of green tea. I also had a diet coke. I have consumed so much caffeine today that my jaw hurts. If I don’t stop to open my mouth wide every few minutes my jaw clenches up and my teeth hurt.
Okay, so, let’s stick to the herbal teas for a while, shall we?
Okay, now I want to tell you about the all time ultimate anxiety dream. My dream starts out with me getting a letter from my old therapist, she and some social workers would like to come over the next day for dinner. What the hell? Okay so I have to think of something to make for dinner. Suddenly it’s the next day and I haven’t thought of anything! And I get a phone call from the community college saying that a bunch of kids have been signing up for classes and not going and the professors are going to sue the kids and by the way did I know I was registered for a bunch of classes and I am going to get sued if i don’t go?? Shit! So I go to the school and along the way I keep contemplating the menu for that night. The only thing I can think of is dessert, a chocolate ganache tart with hazelnut brittle except I KNOW how absurd that is. First of all, chocolate ganache is nice as icing or chocolate sauce but not as a tart and secondly, I don’t fucking know how to make any sort of brittle, I completely suck at candy making!
We’re not done yet.
So I get to the school and I get to the class and I don’t even know about the class or why I am signed up and the professor is at the front crying and there is one other girl there, but she’s only going because she has a crush on the professor and he knows it. So he yells at us.
When I go to leave, someone calls me over and says they have a problem with some students and they need me to diffuse the situation. There are two guys in the room, one is a kid i know from MCAD, the other is his friend. It seems the friend has a bomb and he wants to blow up the school. My job is to talk him out of it without seeming like I am talking him out of anything. In my dream I learn that you can buy a considerable amount of dynamite for only $30 and I make much of this in my conversation with him. Then I foolishly try to grab the bomb and run but he gets it back. Then I try to escape because quite honestly I don’t want to spend my day dealing with him, I have social workers coming over for dinner.
I try escaping again and get hauled back.
I finally run away and hide in a casino. The kid I know sees me, but pretends he doesn’t. I walk home still trying to figure out what to make for dinner. All I know is that I’m stuck with making individual entrees and not one big thing like a roast because I don’t have time. Steaks seem obvious, but I don’t want to make steaks as they seem so crass. Why do steaks seem crass? I don’t know!
I get to my place and on the way up the 5 flights of stairs I am trying to put on my new makeup and that requires watching a portable dvd player with instructions and I keep staring at this makeup set and wondering why I bought it since I already have most of the stuff and why won’t the dvd player work in the stairwell?
Once in my apartment things do not get better. My kitchen is full of people. David is there and he’s eating because he does not know that people are coming over. Lily is there to surprise me. Alan is there and he is in a wheelchair and he has a bad mustache. Why is Alan in a wheelchair? I don’t know but I’m freaking out about and trying not to stare at his mustache.
Lastly, my ex is at the stove making cranberry sauce and glowering at me! Why is she there?? Why is she glowering at me? What did I do? I need people to go to the store with me but the only person that wants to go is Lily but she doesn’t know where things are in the store!
People are yelling at me, I need to make dinner, i don’t know what to make and the phone rings and it’s the school and the kid has another bomb and can i help.
No, i can’t help because I woke up.
and that, people, is the ultimate, never ending anxiety dream in condensed format!
In other, uninteresting news…I keep crocheting, the dogs keep farting, I miss David, I need a million dvd’s.

Which one of you sick fucks searched for “oompah loompahs being fist fucked” and managed to find my site?
Okay, first of all, why do you want to see/read/know about such a thing? Secondly, are you thinking about the freaky orange oompah loompahs or the more contemporary Deep Roy version? Thirdly, why the flippity-fuck would my site come up? It’s not like I talk about fist-fucking all that often, in fact I suspect I have probably talked about it no more than once or twice in the almost 5 years I’ve had this site. And oompah loompahs? What? Yeah, alright, I might talk about them more often, and definitely more often than I talk about the good old fist-fuck.
And I don’t ever talk about fist-fucking oompah loompahs. Seriously, you’d get your fist stuck in there and you’d have a freaky orange thing attached to you and you can be sure that will not go over well at the next senior management meeting!
Higgins! What’s that on your hand??
An Oompah Loompah, sir…
An Oompah Loompah…on your hand…attached by his anus???
yes…sir
Now I can understand trying to find me with phrases like “bakers square early bird specials” or “saab blinker too noisy” or even “snot running back of throat”. These are all things I’ve actually written about!
Man, this is as messed up as the time I wrote about analworld.com and ended up with a million hits from people trying to find it. Analworld.com is about anal sex. I just thought I’d mention it.
So, to recap…I just made a post discussing oompah loompahs, fist fucking, fist-fucking some oompah loompahs, analworld and anal sex.
My mother is so terribly proud of me right now.