When you have children you take lots of pictures of them, ostensibly to preserve the precious memories. This is a lie, not a total lie, but close. You try to get in there a few good incriminating pictures. You know the ones, they’re all sweet, in the bathtub with a cowboy hat on, or shoving a pen up their nose or something along those lines.
You take these pictures because you know that in 10 or 12 good years the rebellion and betrayal kicks in. The fighting back, the bad attitude, the slamming of doors. As a parent you bide your time because you know that a couple years after the rebellion kicks in, so kicks in the dating phase. You get to meet the prospective girlfriend or boyfriend and suddenly, you have all the power you lost when the great hormone imbalance of the western hemispere kicked in. You can pull out those pictures and show them to the date.
Problem for me is, you’re not my kid and you’re not going to date (sorry about lobbing off your balls like, but you have to admit, the complete lack of humping is nice…right?).
You’re in your teen months now and rather obnoxious. Since you won’t be bringing a sweet little girl puppy home for me to meet, i thought I’d make your humilitation public as revenge for…
* destroying my sunglasses
* devouring countless rolls of toilet paper in the hallway
* chewing my underwear
* eviscerating a pillow on my bed as I slept (just how the hell did you do that??)
* chewing the tongue out of my favorite boots
* chewing my favorite sneakers
* chewing up my security blanket
* not only destroying every toy i’ve bought you but doing it in such a way that the entire floor gets covered in the excelsior
* pulling up the carpet
* eating out of the cat box
* causing a bruise the size of Kansas on my upper are. Twice. (same exact scenario both times)
* peeing on my comforter
* eating a dead bird you found in the yard and then immediately drinking out of my glass
* devouring my socks
* crawling into my lap for a hug and immediately farting (i really hate this one)
* methodically picking the fur off your stuffed animals and leaving it everywhere
* dog breath
So, here you go. Your dignity for the world to see…
I’m particularly fond of this one of you peeing. I think it captures the humiliation I’m going for.
Okay, that felt better