I knew the grief would not end quickly. I knew it would take a great deal of time to work my heart through the pinched hole of pain. In the week after Ghengis died, things started to get brighter. The crying jags were less common, I could laugh and spend time with my friends. I could search for a new puppy.
It hurt, but I figured I was getting on remarkably well.
I did not know that grief would come to me in waves. That my reprieve was only a recession. Ghengis was my comfort when I was sad, He would snuffle my tears, drape himself across my lap and sigh deeply as he curled into me. Stark reality slaps me in the face as I get sad and look for Ghengis to comfort me. He’s not there.
He will never be there.
And my pain folds over on itself.
I am surrounded by people and creatures who love me. David, Maddie and Chester along with my friends and family have been wonderful. Those who know me know what Ghengis meant to me, they may not have understood my relationship with the Littlest of the Fellas, but they knew it was strong.
My friends and family are so comforting and supportive, Chester is an extraordinary diversion for me and Maddie is a calm port in this storm, but nothing can bring my Ghengis back. Nothing they do or say can erase the memories of his pained yelps, or his last three, gasped breaths, or the way he looked when I said my last goodbye and pulled the blanket over his head for the last time.
The grief has come back to me hard these last couple days. It is beating me down. I try to keep it in check, do my job, clean, make dinner, carry on pleasant conversations with people. But it slips in there. I can’t control it.
I want to take back these few weeks. I want to go back and choose to use his collar instead of his harness. I want to choose to stay on the phone with my mom 5 minutes longer. I want to go back and give him all the turkey from the sandwich I had for dinner that night instead of just a few bites. I want to go back to the day I skipped the Frosty Paws because they were pricey and I want to slap myself, he deserved those Frosty Paws and I didn’t buy them.
I want to go back to when he was just 11 weeks old, so small and scared. I want to go back to when he put his tiny snout on my neck and fell asleep and I did not move because I did not want to wake this perfect little dog.
I want my dog back.

Off to the vet again today. I’m pretty sure that my dogs are funding the college education of at least one of the vets’ kids and possibly some of the children of the veterinary pharmaceutical industry as well. Dammit.
First off, Chester got his free initial puppy exam. He’s healthy and happy and it’s been determined that he is 6 months old and not 4 months. He has all his adult teeth and that’s the determiner apparently. He was well behaved and not too freaked out.
Maddie was back in for her feet. They’ve ruled out a systemic yeast infection and mites, so we’re back to allergy/immune system/bacterial issues. So now we have her on cyclosporine, an immuno-suppressant that they give organ transplant recipients to help them avoid rejecting the new organ. Since allergic reactions are immune related we’re going to give this a shot. She’s also on 3 weeks worth of antibiotics to help with this latest round of infection.
I just worry about her so much. When he feet are healthy she’s much more active and responsive. That’s a given, really. If your feet looked like hers you wouldn’t want to do anything. I made a promise to Maddie when I got her that I would always take care of her, that she would never be neglected or hurt, that the rest of her life will be spent being loved and adored. It is very important to me that I keep that promise.
On the other hand, now that Chester’s settled in, she doesn’t get as much rest as she’d like. He’s an active puppy. Very active. I was worried that there was something wrong since he didn’t really DO anything the first weekend we got him, he was so damned lazy. Now he tears from one end of the house to the other and back again and Maddie is right on him ready to wrestle and scrabble with him. He’s probably still too bitey, and I’m training him not to bite me so hard, but Maddie’s going to have to deal with that herself. There are moments you can tell he’s bitten her too hard and she just wants to kick his ass but she refrains. I don’t know why she does, but there it is, some amazing self control.
The dogs are passed out after their afternoon vet ordeal. I’m going to go have some soup.

I need to finish the dishes and make soup but there is a soft, warm, silky headed puppy flopped on me.
dishes….warm puppy
also, expect to see puppy videos. If there’s one thing David and I regret, it’s not taking more videos of Ghengis when we had the chance. We have some, but not nearly enough. My god I miss Ghengis sometimes.
Okay, those fucking asshole dishes are not going to wash themselves so i guess I’m on the job again. Sorry soft little puppy who likes to look me in the eye and make a sad little baying noise when he’s bored.

Let’s look at photos, shall we?

This is my boyfriend. My boyfriend is amazing for any number of reasons. Over the past two years he’s innumberable things to make me happy, to see me laugh, to help me feel better. When I was depressed and sad and completely filled with grief over the loss of my Ghengis David went and shaved his beard off leaving this incredibly sexy porn mustache. Every time I looked at him I laughed. He even went to the OPH with it. He held me when I cried, he rubbed my back and wiped my tears…and he wore a porn-stache for me.

The new little Chester kickin’ it puppy style.

Best buds in a matter of minutes. Also seen in this photo: the crazy pink sheets we got in NYC. Our bedroom is like a cheap bordello now. Not pictured: the dwn comforter which at the time was in the dryer because Chester is still learning to control his systems (you can see the sleeping bag I was using to stay warm while I waited for the comforter to dry).

this is them, the ones who make me happy and give me reasons.

This is Chester. He’s a 6 month old rat terrier and corgi mix. He’s very sweet and a little shy and he is the newest member of the family. I was a little worried that Maddie would be defensive about a new dog in her home but I was wrong. Maddie is thrilled peachy to have another little dog to play with. I really underestimated how close Maddie was with Ghengis and I underestimated how much she missed him. Maddie is nothing but happy to have this little guy here even if he is too shy to play right now.
And, let’s be honest, it’s doing me a world of good to bring some happiness into my home. I won’t stop grieving for Ghengis for a long time. I really loved Ghengis with all my heart. I just want to funnel a lot of that energy into something more positive than crying jags and hiding from the world. I am not moving on from Ghengis, I don’t think I ever could, but I am adding to my heart another dog.
And you can’t argue with loving another dog.
Oh, also, as much as I would have loved naming him Riblet, David just did not like the name. This dog is ours to share and we had to agree on the name and Chester it is.
Please welcome Chester to the family.