oh whoa

At about 9:30 this morning some aliens did that thing where they completely stop time so they can steal a body, finger the anus and drop it back off with no one the wiser (not even the aliens, because, really what are you going to learn from that). The thing is, they stole me. It totally sucked.
At about 9:30am they stopped time and whisked me away to their ship. After they were done with my butt (La Luna Grande) they moved on to more insidious activities. The first order of business was to take an ice cold pick, all slender and silver, and jam it up my nose so that it would pierce both my spenoid sinus and my frontal sinus along with my eyeball. Then they removed random bits of my brain and put them in jars.
The final insult was when they took photos of my holey old underwear and posted them on craigslist.
After they set me down in my office chair I immediately felt the results of their meddlings. My butt was uncomfortable, I had a stabbing pain on the left side of my head and I could not follow or maintain conversations with anyone.
Also, I felt a little dirty in the underpantal area.
All day it was headache and slowness. The aliens did this to me.
Or, perhaps the answer could be found in the full mug of coffee that I forgot to drink this morning. Hard to say. But let this be a warning to you. If you start every day with lots of caffeine, you will die the day you miss it, and aliens don’t want to ‘learn’ from us, or ‘make contact’. They’re just galactic bullies giving us the planetary wedgie.

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