i will save you

A little insight into my mind…
Every morning I drink my uber-caffienated soul varnish coffee drink and by 10:30am I have to pee. Like really really pee. Like stick a finger in the dike and pray for mercy.
I waddle down to the bathroom, knees locked together, butt clenched, toes turned inward. The only thing I need is copious drool to complete the picture.
This is where things get interesting (and you thought nothing could get more interesting than the mushroom girl lurching down the hall yelling at her bladder!). As I entered the restroom I startled a little brown mouse. I startled him, he startled me. In short order I twisted myself over in an attempt to maintain my clenched bladder AND i tried scrabbling at the door.
The mouse was in a panic and running at me and all I could think was “oh my god! he’s so scared, I need to open the door for him”. I was not thinking “help! I need to get out of here” because I’m pretty sure my bladder was still in control of things and snakes in the toilet would not deter it from its goal. In those split seconds I was only filled with sadness for the scared little mouse, I was trying to open the door to help him escape.
Mice don’t need our help. That’s the thing about mice, they do fine without us. He zipped past me and skittered uder the door to safety. That’s when I realized that the door opened out, not in and pulling on the door was not going to open it.
I peed forever and it was the most exhilerating pee!
Then I went to my office to find the same brown mousie had gone under my door (it’s right by the bathroom). So I talked to it and proclaimed it to be the cutest mousie ever and then went to the pest control monitoring book and added him to the list of little brown mousies to be exterminated. I’m retarded, but I’m no fool.