I will share with you now 2 Chester stories.
1) Last night at class we had our mid term test. Each person and dog team had to make the dog follow certain commands for certain distances or time periods. We all know what’s coming so we all practice. I am pleased, Chester can hold eye contact for 10 seconds (we need 5 seconds), he looks at you when you say his name, he sits, waits, lays down and stays on command. I know we will have issues with the loose leash walking but otherwise he’s paying attention. I was worried about his ability to pay attention since he’d apparently eaten some treats, half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and dog food all in the hour between when David gets home and I get home. He’s supposed to be really hungry during class so that he will actually want the treats I am trying to give him. No matter, he’s following directions and I am feeling confident. The test starts okay. He comes when called, sits when commanded. When we come to the test where he is supposed to hold my gaze I decide to reward him right away during the test. Damn, he always looks down to chew so he kept breaking eye contact. I should have just held the treat.
He did okay with the loose leash walking and letting me poke in his ears and feet and stuff. Finally we get to the part where he has to lay down and stay for one minute. I’m happy because he does this well. He’s a pretty unambitious dog so he kind of digs the laying down thing. Except now he won’t. He will not lay down for love or money. I use the command, the hand signal, the treat. Nothing works. He will not lay down at all. We fail this portion of the test.
Joan, the teacher, gives me my grade and moves on to the next student. I take Chester to one side to practice things and there it is, a full lay down with back feet out to one side (as he was taught) and chin on the floor! And he’s holding it! He’s laying down and he’s staying and I call the teacher over to prove he can do it. But it’s just not enough that the dog CAN do it, he’s supposed to do it every time he is told to do it. Oh well Chester, we have the whole summer.
2) Chester is laying next to me in bed and I am petting him. David is laying behind me. Chester decides he wants pets from David and steps over my head but stops halfway, sits down, and rests his furry wiener on my cheek. Asshole.
Monthly Archives: May 2007
The best parenting advice ever.
I’ve decided to start taking parenting advice from insane religious fundamentalist Jack Chick.
A couple years ago I ordered the monster pack All Tract Assortment as a gift for my firend Ethan because what says “I cherish our friendship” more than comic books detailing all the gay sex in the public schools and the actual witches who play D&D? Sometimes people need to be told how the Jews are the Chosen People and yet are still going to hell. These things are important. Also, the assortment was only $15 and you really can’t beat that price.
Cheap crazy is the best crazy there is.
Expensive crazy is when your HMO changes the formulary every few months.
Having placed an order with Chick Publications I am on thier mailing lists for both email and snail mail and try as I might, I cannot get off these lists. I think it has something to do with the word of god being unerasable and also the database of god being unmodifiable. I don’t know. They won’t take me off their lists. It’s fine, they send me all the new tracts and they also send me awesomely insane emails.
Today my personal note from Jack Chick was a note of grief regarding the Virginia Tech massacre. A lovely sentiment to be sure, until you realize that his grief is not about senseless violence and murder, but that many of those who died were not saved and now going straight to hell. Amazing.
To be fair, though, Fred Phelps is a bigger cockbite than Jack Chick, but just barely.
Anyway, in addition to this pondering of eternal damnation for innocent victims he sent me a link to his latest tract. It’s amazing. It’s Awesome. It’s the most concise system of cause and effect in child rearing that I have ever seen. If you let your kids believe in Santa, The Tooth Fairy or The Easter Bunny he will be so angry when he discovers your lie he will refuse to believe in Jesus AND become a mass murderer!
Now that’s a stunning one-two punch if I’ve ever seen one. Every dollar the toothfairy leaves under a pillow is another bullet in the back of an innocent victim! And the thing is, I think the statistics carry this one for him! Think about all the kids told about Santa and the Easter Bunny, there are only a few and they all grew up to be insane killers…John Wayne Gacy, Hitler, GWB, that creepy guy who runs the impact gun at the slaughterhouse, Vlad Tepes, Ghengis Khan, Gary Coleman, Ariel Sharon, Lizzy Borden, and the list goes on and on. Seriously, all the people who grow up to not become mass murderers are the same people who were not led to believe in Santa.
Read for yourself and learn how to save your kids.
Relief
The perfect curative for listening to a story about terrible things that happen to dogs? Yeah, that’s right, 2 hours at the dog park. Nothing will restore your balance faster than watching happy dogs and happy owners.
Tonight was Frontline and Heartguard night, and I hate when they get the Frontline on the furniture so off we went to let them run until it dried.
Maddie has made a possible 180 in dog park behavior. Okay, not quite 180 degrees but let’s say, 165. A good deal of her old aggression is just gone. No longer does she have the urge to kick the ass of every dog that is bigger than her. She runs and plays with the other dogs. I am amazed. I had a moment of concern the other day, Chester was playing with a very large Akita that decided to chase him. Maddie was having none of that and took off slamming her chest into him and getting into his face. I moved fast but I’m a weeble and not prone to fast moving. Akitas aren’t really known for being submissive and backing down, also he probably had a good 50 pounds on Maddie. Miraculously, he backed down, he averted his eyes and stepped away.
Today, however, that same Akita was there only he decided that he also was going to protect Chester so we had a few tense moments over which dog got to chase away the other dogs. Chester, of course, was entirely oblivious to the whole thing, he’d found a sexy little Basenji to romp with. Eventually Maddie and the Akita figured something out and they stood down.
2 hours at the dog park in the sun and I feel 100% better than before. Go out, get a dog and go to the dog park daily, it’s incredible therapy.
I make mistakes
I was at my desk listening to yesterday podcast for Fresh Air. An interview with a forensic veterinarian. I thought this would be fascinating, I love animals, I love forensics, I love when mysteries come together. I love the idea of using real science to prosecute criminals (because, let’s be honest here, far too many people have been convicted of crimes they never committed because the prosecution can dangle fear or prejudice in front a jury, but that’s another rant for another time. right now, science=good). Terry Gross, host of Fresh Air warned me that some of the stuff they would be talking about would be hard to hear.
I got 8 minutes into the program before I was furious and crying at my desk. I could not believe what I was hearing. I could not believe what these people had done. Who thinks up these terrible things to do? I’m not even going to describe what they did, but I am sickened to my heart to imagine it.
On the other hand, there is an awesome cute puppy outside my office learning to play fetch. That makes me smile.
oh gross!
oh damn! I just ate the grossest thing ever. Fuck. eeeeeuw. Like I just want to shit twice and die!
I should have known better. The security guards had a box of off brand “Marzipan Rum Balls” that had been sitting in their office all day with only 3 eaten. Now that’s an official red alert warning sign. If the security guards won’t eat it, then actual humans should avoid it at all costs. But I’m craving sugar and all my hidden supplies have slowly dwindled and I’ve been getting more whiskey than candy from my minions.
I gave in, I grabbed one and tried to eat it.
Dude! Shit! GOD!!!!! Holy crap. Psycho crazy pink dried out marzipan substance loaded with artificial rum extract, covered in chocolate and those waxy brown sprinkles that you always think with taste like chocolate but usually taste like otherbutt.
What was I thinking? Was my sugar craving so bad that I just had to eat it? I’ve had some pretty nasty things in my mouth, but this was the worst. I would rather run my open mouth across the entirety of the dog park before eating another one of those. I’ve consumed almost a quart of water and still the taste lingers like satan’s own skidmark in my mouth. I might be the first person ever to die of gross flavor.
The thing is, I did this once before. The security guards got a box of freaky Russian candy and they were all remarking on how gross it was. Still, I had to ignore them and try it. The thing about Russian candy is that all the colors are correct, it LOOKS like real and tasty candy, but none of the ingredients for candy are actually available in Putin’s nut filled wonderland of assassinations and bizarreness. They just use equivalent replacements. Instead of sugar, they used ground up newspaper (except they don’t have newspaper so they use old paint and the souls of Boris and Gleb for their newspapers), instead of chocolate they use the clay from the banks of the Mighty Volga River, instead of fruit flavoring, they use various forms of cat urine. This shit is popular over there because they don’t actually know what fruit, sugar or chocolate are supposed to be like.
Maybe I’ll stop at the DQ on the way home and get me a buster bar. I totally deserve it.
LATER: David and I went to DQ after the dog park and I got me an entire peanut buster parfait. He got the buster bar. I’ve eaten only the peanut buster parfait for dinner and nothing else. I defy old age! Now I just need to figure out how I can sit in the tub and watch my Discovery channel vhs documentary about the sun while soaking in the tub. (the video was checked out from the library AND Michael “Lt Worf” Dorn narrates it. I cannot defy my nerdiness)