signs that there is something wrong…part 510

I met Patti and her mom and her sister and her neice for lunch today at the Uptown diner. The beauty of the uptown diner is their hollandaise, rich, buttery, eggy, delicious. When you order a benedict you get enough hollandaise to cover your entire plate including the thick, crispy slab of hash browns. I could write sonnets to the hollandaise.
I usually order the cajun benedict made with spicy andouille sausage. It feeds my craving for spiced pork AND hollandaise. Perfect.
What did I order for lunch? Not the cajun benedict, my usual order or even the biscuit and gravy benedict (served with your own defibrillator!). Nope. I ordered a giant bowl of oatmeal and a side of cantaloupe. What the fuck is wrong with me? I hate oatmeal, I hate it so much. Or at least I did until 6 months ago when I was overcome by a craving so deep I had to go to the store and buy some and I ate it almost every day! Now I purposefully shun the cholesterol and pork for oatmeal and cantaloupe.
See also: my insane consumption of cheerios and my habit of consuming a pound or more of carrots for lunch on any given day. Or even an entire evening spent at Nyes with someone else driving and all I drank was diet coke because drinking and getting drunk has lost all appeal.
wait…these are the things that old people do!!!!! Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiit! What the hell am I going to do? I’m almost 34 and I’m acting all 45! “blah blah blah drinking just doesn’t appeal to me…blah blah blah I love oatmeal and fruit….meh meh meh i poop regularly…honk honk honk why don’t i go crochet a doily and make some jam and drive my beige car 5 miles under the speed limit…”
I need to rectify this and fast. I stopped smoking 6 months ago, time to start again! I’ve got a brand new bottle of Jack and I think I can rustle up some porn and doritos. I will not accept that I am an old lady!!!!

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