All of the best things that go in my pants disappear

This weekend I went to Target to get more underpants because when you have a Ghengis nearby you will always lose some percentage of your underpants. He’s better about it than he used to be, but still, I’m losing underpants. The last time I went to get underpants they did not have any of the brand I usually buy. Being dumb and naive I assumed that this was some sort of fluke, like a hijacked truck or a cambodian factory disaster.
This time I went back and they were gone gone gone. Gone. Further research on the web tells me that Jockey has completely discontinued the Formfit line. How do you kill an entire line of underpants??? WHY???? My underpants!!!! They were all cottony good and they were cut nicely and fit well and never snugged up on me or stuck out of my pants.
So I was left to view my options. Much of the problem lies in the elastic band. The Formfit elastic band was completely covered in the same material as the panties and stitched in such a way that it didn’t rub on you funny or leave icky dig marks. Also, the band was not so wide, it was narrow.
My too options were thus:
1) a narrow band of cheap elastic with stitching on the side that touches your body
2) a too wide band of uncovered elastic that will only get folded over in as I move my body.
Or my third option were some hideous man briefs made to look like tighty whiteys.
I went with option 1 as they were slightly cheaper and the band was narrower and I have a pack of the option 2 and really don’t like them. Option 1 (Hanes) sucks hard. The elastic band bites into my skin, the fabric is thinner, I’ve gotten suggies. Goddammit. All I want are the perfect underpants! and I had them! and now they are gone….gone…
Now, I would not want you to think that the only thing from inside my pants to disappear was my underpants. No, it’s not. And if you are squeamish and don’t want to hear about tampons or my vagina, you should stop now.
Remember when you first got your period and you tried a few options to see what worked best? Tampons, pads, liners, pretending nothing was happening? In some health class I got one of those flower covered lavender pamphlets about my uterus and all the beautiful ways it would betray me for the rest of my life. It was put out by Tampax so I used Tampax first. Not knowing any better I assumed tampons should be uncomfortable and hard to use, but somehow more grown up than just pads.
As time went on and I got my hands on more disposable income I tried out various options. Price, comfort, leak control and most importably, the ease of depressing that fucking plunger. You don’t think about it until you’re sitting there in the world’s most awkward position, but if you can’t get a good grip on the outer sleeve of the applicator then there is no way you’re pushing that plunger in.
For a while I settled on Playtex. They had plastic applicators with rounded ends. They inserted easily and the rounded plastic ends actually opened easier than the rounded cardboard ends (which were thicker and stiffer). They also came in “ultra super massive mega absorbent” which was important.
On a few occasions I found myself unprepared and i had to borrow a tampon from a friend or my sister. invariably they had the teeny tiny plastic wrapped bullets known as o.b. tampons. There’s something vaguely hippy and wholesome about the o.b. tampon, especially since they didn’t come with applicators which are apparently notorious for cluttering landfills.
I loved the o.b. tampon, they were so comfortable, they expanded just right and they almost never leaked. Unfortunately, that ‘no applicator’ business was just hard. I never mastered exactly how I was supposed to finesse this thing into my body without making a mess. It was bad.
Then they came out with the o.b. with APPLICATOR and my world was fireworks and naked lady dancers and drunken tigers on beach balls. It was that good. For years my vagina and I were getting along great, it would gush, I would plug we’d get through it.
Then, it ended. They stopped making the applicators again. Perhaps they hated me, perhaps they wanted to get back to their hippy roots, perhaps they were just evil wanted to hurt me. Whatever the reason, I stocked up on as many boxes as I could find, but still it wasn’t enough. Time marched on and my uterus and vagina were relentless in their monthly sloughing and flowing. I tried a few brands and settled on Kotex. They fit the bill okay I guess, but they’ll never bring back those magic days.
Is it wrong to mourn the passing of panties and tampons on the same day? I don’t know, but I do know that if you don’t vote on Tuesday NONE OF THIS WILL GET BETTER!!!

14 thoughts on “All of the best things that go in my pants disappear

  1. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY Velvet’s back!!!!
    I am so glad that you returned to me with talk of tampons and underwear. The world is right again!

  2. I’d get you comps to opening night and you can live the glamor of
    twinkle twinkle

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