You take all the precautions necessary, lord knows you do. You’re completely careful, you know the rules.
You know the rules and yet there you are, alone in the house, alone in the bathroom, pushing the dog away with your foot and peeing on a plastic stick.
You’re careful, you take precautions, but 5 days is a long time.
5 days is a long time, so is 5 minutes.
You fidget, play with your hair, put lotion on the remains of that constellation of pimples over your lip, check the stick, compose this entry in your head, look at your nail polish, check the stick, look for wrinkles, check the stick.
The first pink line shows up.
What are your options? What are you going to do if that second pink line shows up? Who would you tell? Who would you never tell, not even in a million years?
Would you tell him?
5 days is a long time…so is 5 minutes.
No, really, what are your options? Your life isn’t just in flux, your life is a fucking tornado that shows no sign of abating. Look around you, you’re standing in the middle of a room covered in the brown confetti of recently chewed toilet paper tube. You can’t even keep your dog from making a mess in the time it takes you to shower. Speaking of the dog, when are you going to cut his nails? And did you get his heartworm medication this month? Wait, here’s a good question…just how close to punching the shit out of him were you when he chewed your security blanket? Think about it, your option here is pretty clear.
Sucks, doesn’t it? Sucks to have the obvious answer to the question be the one answer you never wanted. If your most intimate wish is granted and you refuse the offer, do you ever get a second chance? How does karma play on this? Maybe you should rethink this.
Or just check the fucking stick again.
First pink line is very clearly there. The circle is blank. There is no second pink line.
There is no second pink line.
Your best friend calls right as you confirm this. You tell him, relieved, feeling silly for worrying. He understands, though, talks you through.
Secretly, 15 minutes later, you check again.
Just to be sure.
Monthly Archives: November 2004
An Order of Protection
Last night I related to David a situation I was in a year ago as an example of what we were talking about. I don’t think much of the situation, it doesn’t bother me so much, but I always forget that when I tell someone about it they get very upset and offended for me.
We talked about it again today, I told him how my friends always get upset by this story but I don’t. He said (and I’m distilling and paraphrasing quite a bit here, so David forgive me if it isn’t quite right) that perhaps my friends know that I can take care of myself physically, but I tend to not protect myself emotionally so they step up and do it for me.
Protecting myself physically is up for debate as I count the empty cigarette packs accumulating around me and I can calculate just how much coffee I will need to survive a day after 2 hours of sleep. As for my emotions, I will do what I can to avoid painful situations, even cutting people off before they get close to avoid the inevitable pain later, but once I’ve invested in someone emotionally I’ll do whatever it takes to keep the peace, even at my own expense (which is not to say there aren’t situation where I won’t put the smack down with a quick righteousness, but thankfully those situations are few and far between). Also, since I tend to take a harshly realistic view of myself, lots of things just can’t get me. You can’t insult me by calling my ass big if I’m the first to tell you that it is.
And here are my friends, taking offense for me, getting upset on my behalf, wanting very much to protect me and keep me safe.
And I do appreciate it, very much so.
I recognize that someone has to do it. In that vein, I am as protective, if not moreso, of all my friends. It’s my job and I take it seriously.
So, to all my friends who have over the years defended me, hurt for me, held me while I cried and called me to make sure everything was okay, I love you and I appreciate you and I’m sure I’d not have survived without you.
Unrelatedly, (or maybe relatedly, in spirit if not topic) I’ve been terribly busy lately, not had time to post or email or take calls or any of those simple things that I KNOW I am supposed to do to be a good friend and all. I am very sorry, I’m trying to rein my life in and storm track my head. Soon soon soon, things will get back on track and maybe I’ll even tell you what I was so busy with.
maybe.
Bizarre
I was just accused of humping on the couch. I’m not sure how ‘checking my email, rubbing the puppy’s belly and talking to another person’ constitute humping, but there you have it. This is the Bizarro-Dali land I find myself in every day.
I should watch Alice In Wonderland again, gotta love that Queen of Hearts in there.
For Fuck’s Sake!
Why didn’t I know about this???
Dear Planet,
I was wearing my black hoodie because I was too busy (lazy) to hang up my laundry and my shirts were all wrinkled. I am not part of any mosh related hoodie wearing coalition of dumbasses, I’m simply very busy (lazy).
Thank you
h
Jesus, I fucking went to the polls in a black hoodie, i feel like such a tardmeister. No, I don’t feel targeted or oppressed or intimidated or obstructed. No, I don’t want to send a great big ‘fuck you’ to ‘the man’. Good Christ, in all honesty, I’m like halfway to being ‘the man’, I’m all about oppressing YOUR sorry asses.
People, stop acting like there’s oppression where there isn’t! Seriously, go out and fight some real oppression and stop playing around like a progressive 70’s tv show. Go fight lamb prices! That’s where the real oppression is! The man’s trying to keep me from enjoying lamb regularly because by artificially driving the prices up.
IN FACT! I dare each and every one of you to put on some common article of clothing like say, PANTS, and go buy some beets in order to STICK IT TO THE MAN.
I hate you guys.
In other news, I voted, blah blah blah. Short lines, not bad, tasted like chicken.