Where I stand: pt 2

While it is hard to be a pacifist in this country, it is equally hard to be an atheist. Again, I hadn’t really defined my lack of religious beliefs too much before this happened, but now I have to. Technically, I don’t call myself an Atheist because I feel that as a group Atheists tend to be as religious as believers, but their religion revolves around non-religion. I just don’t believe that there is anything greater out there. I don’t believe there is some sort of anthropomorphic being that made dinosaurs and seals and cryptic rules about sex and people and hatred and love.
If you were to say, “but the coral reef is beautiful, certainly there must be some design in that.” Okay, maybe there is a design or a plan (which I doubt, but say there is), that still doesn’t translate down into ‘someone’ you can’t see who makes up alot of contradictory rules and events.
Back to my point. It is hard to be a non-believer right now because there are calls to pray for the victims and their families. Pray to give them comfort. I feel somewhat selfish and guilty by not praying, by not giving something of myself to these people in so much pain. Unfortunately, I think that the ultimate benefit goes to the one praying. In their prayers, they find comfort for themselves, they can hand their pain to their God and find some sort of peace.
I can’t do that. Many times over, before and after these terrible times, I have wished I could believe. Believers look so comforted by their knowledge of a merciful God; I can’t have that comfort and so the pain sits in my chest and in my throat and in my head. And if I chew on this pain, it will become vicious anger, so I don’t.
Please don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against believers as a whole, they believe because they can and I envy them. My mother, who I love dearly (even if she makes me a little nutty), is a devout Catholic and I respect her and her beliefs and would defend them if the time comes.