We were at Fleet Farm this weekend buying 87 pounds of dog food (no, really, we got 87 pounds of dog food), dog treats and some more canning jars when I happened upon the worst combination of stupid and evil that I had seen in a long time.
She walked up to the Science Diet dog food rep (who doesn’t work there, she’s just talking up the dog food, but I loved her because she recommended a non-Science Diet brand to me because she thought it would be better for Maddie than anything they made)…god, I hate the parenthetical tangents…
Anyway, stupid evil lady walks up to the rep and they have this conversation (some of it is modified as I can’t remember it word for word, but it’s all there in spirit)
Evil Lady: Where is the squirrel poison?
SD Rep: Squirrel poison?
EL: Yeah, I need to kill some squirrels
SDR: um, you might want to try rat poison…that’s over there
EL: Does it hurt birds?
SDR: What?
EL: can I stick it in the bird feeders to keep the squirrels away?
SDR: yes, it will probably kill the birds
EL: The damned squirrels are everywhere and I hate them…
(at this point I am openly staring at her in awe)
EL: I’ve tried everything, they just keep coming back
SDR: Well, I think the best thing to do is trap them in a live trap and let them go far away from the area, but if you rid your property of squirrels you will just create a squirrel free vacuum that will suck in more squirrels (she didn’t say it like that)
EL: How do I keep them off my property?
(Now I am staring at her with perplexed awe AND I noticed that she had her pants pulled up really high)
SDR: (laughing, thinking she’s joking) well, you just don’t…
EL: Dammit, I even put antifreeze out there and in my attic, they come in the holes in my eaves and tear everything up in my attic.
(I’m not kidding, my jaw dropped open at the mention of antifreeze)
At this point you could see the rep was getting pissed. She tried to tell her that it was illegal to poison animals with anti-freeze (In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to poison squirrels anyway) and that even if it was legal it was a terribly cruel way to kill an animal. Not to mention that other animals could get into the antifreeze and die painful deaths. Once an animal ingests the antifreeze there is very little that can be done for them. The death is slow and painful, the kidneys shut down and the body becomes toxic. I wanted to hit her face with my hand.
I’m not saying that people need to get into a squirrel’s head or anything, but a squirrel just doesn’t define boundaries the way humans do. A squirrel does not say “the people in this house like birds, I bet they intend this food for the birds and not me.” What a squirrel says when happening upon a feeder is “AAAWESOME!!!! Holy shit! Food that doesn’t require digging or scavenging! MMMM all of my favorites in a pile. And birds to hang out with. Life is good, I love food!”
So, you know, if you’re going to put out the food that the squirrels love to eat, then expect the squirrels to show up.
Also, if you have holes in your eaves and the squirrels are getting in, fucking fix your house you asspabst. Fuck. Again, a squirrel does not say “this seems nice, but I don’t have a deed to the house and I’m pretty sure I can’t pay the mortgage using the free food I found. Oh well.” what a squirrel says is “whoa! it’s warm and full of material to make nests with and there’s room for a few other squirrels so we won’t be fighitng over territory and it might be nice to have sex in side for once instead of while grasping the side of a tree.”
And lastly, squirrels aren’t good detectives. If Bob Squirrel and Joe Squirrel don’t show up for the midmorning chase, Tom squirrel’s going to think it’s weird but not think much else about it. He won’t say “I bet they aren’t here because someone killed them and if they are killed then I should take the warning and get out!”, squirrels are a little more like the characters in the Alien movies, “hmm Bob and Joe aren’t here, and they left all their stuff. I want new stuff. I should live here. Awesome, free green stuff to drink!”
I hate so few people and I just wanted to smack the shit out of her. She had no logic, no ability to think things through, she just wanted to control something that didn’t need to be controled and ignore the real problem (like the fact that her cheap print turtleneck that was tightly tucked into her really high pants was kind of bunched up on one side and she looked like she had a mighty ass hump).