what to write about

if you’d read my previous comments you’d know that it’s been decided that I’ve become entirely too boring, which is true. I have. Domesticity has that way with me. So, I was going to give some anal sex advice and maybe throw in some opinions about the president.
On the other hand I’ve had a really shitty day and I’d really like to talk about how fucking sick I am of being the magnet for needy people. This discussion would include some self pity, some ranting about people’s bad choices (no, you cannot fucking lose weight if you eat an entire pound of hamburger in one sitting or if you eat 4 krispy kremes in an evening EVEN IF YOU DID GET WHOLE WHEAT TOAST WITH YOUR BREAKFAST). After that I would conclude that these people glom onto me because I allow it and it’s really no-one’s fault but my own.
So do I talk about anal sex or do I talk about how the histrionics of people who just can’t fucking seem to grow the fuck up and stop being crazy and maybe start being thoughtful rational not-insane adults are really wearing me down?
Well, I noticed that whenever I write about the crazy people the vein in my neck hurts…so…anal sex it is!
So let’s see,
* Lubricate! Always! This is important whether you’re pitching or catching. It seems obvious and yet…well. My recommendation? Do some research on lubes. Don’t just go with the big tube of generic KY jelly from target (though I hear that the self heating KY makes a nice hair gel). Get something thick, something long lasting, go look for Maximus (my preferred lube for whatever various and sundry lube needs I have, not necessarily anal) or a silicone based lube (I like, but don’t necessarily love the silicones). Please keep in mind that any oil based lube will eat up a latex condom lickety split so don’t be stupid with your lube choices.
* Go slow, retard! Okay, I tried to think of a cute acronym like K.I.S.S. (keep it simple, stupid) but I just ended up with that. And by slow, I don’t mean 20 minutes, I mean that if this is your first time it make take a few sessions of slowly exploring and getting comfortable with the area. If you are the catcher (god, I feel so 70’s cliche gay man in the bathhouse when I say that. Maybe I should go read some Maupin and shoot myself in the face for all the trite horror of it all…She’s a man!!! OH MY GOD!!!) you have a responsibility to your own ass to communicate to your partner what you need or desire and sometimes stopping is a very valid need. If you are the pitcher (A Man and A Girl? Anna Madrigal!!! I could have slit my wrists), you will be summarily strung up by your balls and shot if you even get a little peeved for not getting to shove that cock way up in!
* Get some toys! yay toys! get things that are smaller than your parter’s unit. Get a few things. Get things that gradually increase in size. Practice makes perfect, and considerable practice is needed since, and let’s be honest here, your ass isn’t exactly a finely crafted sex organ. Besides, toys are fun and open up the floodgates for all kinds of fun, kinky experimentation. Please make sure your toys have a flanged base as the rectal cavity is not quite as finite as the vagina. Things can get lost and with insurance coverage being what it is, my very good coverage still requires a 20% or $500 deductible (whichever is lower) for emergency room visits. Oh, and it’s entirely likely that the x-ray of your anal mishaps will end up on the web for you to share with your friends and family.
* Condoms keep things clean. keep it in mind.
* Don’t use Anal-Ease or any of the other butt-numbing products. Pain is nature’s way of saying “hey, dude, something bad is happening here!”. There shouldn’t be pain, mild discomfort? oh totally, especially until you get used to it, but pain, especially butt pain, should not be covered, ignored or otherwise shot to the moon.
* Be clean you filthy perverts! I know this seems obvious, but once something goes in there, and then comes out, it should not go anywhere else. Ladies, be very very clear about this with your partners. Improper butt-rompery gladly skips hand-in-hand with bladder infections and bladder infections require antibiotics and antibiotics can occasionally lead to yeast infections. So what i’m saying is that you can draw a pretty clear line between bad analthumper hygiene and you smelling like some fucked up bread machine.
* Hey, the rectum equals poo. Deal with it. Okay, so your fecal matter rests higher up in the passageway (unless the turtle’s peeking his head out, but you really should have taken care of that before. Freak.). It’s safe to assume you are not going to run into massive amounts of crap, but as i alluded to in the point previous, particles stray. Shit happens. If you aren’t grown up enough to deal with that, you aren’t grown up enough spelunk the depths of asscrack caverns.
* If you’re a guy, please keep this in mind…enjoying having things inserted in your ass does not make you gay. Not at all. You know what makes you gay? A strong desire to fuck other men! That’s what makes you gay.
* Wine. Wine is good. Drunk is bad. You need to relax, go slow, wine (or beer) can help. Hard liquor and drugs don’t help. Getting drunk = bad. Getting a little buzz on to relax = good. Getting your partner drunk so you can play ass pirate = very very very bad. Roofies = good joke, bad time.
That’s about all I can think of. What are my qualifications you might ask? None. I have none. I’m not a certified anything, so maybe you wanna go get some real info about the subject. Just saying.
Hey, I feel better! The stress of the day melted away completely! Who cares if I have crazy people hitting me from all corners (seriously, though, why must you all gang up on me now? can’t you spread it out?). Go forth, my peeps, go forth and anally copulate!
The only person that I wish hadn’t read this is my boss. That’s all.