I have eternal car paranoia. The faintest sound or smell or bump sends me into an internal panic. Part of this is the earlier-mentioned lack of confidence problem I have, I’m convinced I made a totally retarded decision in my car. Logically, there’s no reason to believe that I chose a bad car and in fact most signs point to a good car. It was a bit of an impulse buy, i was looking to offload my Saab, with its dead turbo and shot suspension, so I sat down one afternoon and decided “I’m going to go buy a car” and within the week I had my car. I didn’t really tell anyone that I was going to buy a car because I knew I’d get a lot of advice that I didn’t want to hear, “get a car that is bland but reliable!” “get a car that filters pollution out of one gallon of ocean water for every mile you drive!” “Buy my uncle’s car! It mostly doesn’t smell anymore!”. Also, I didn’t want anyone to talk me out of my dream car should I have a chance to buy one cheap (i didn’t but there’s still hope).
I did my research and found the car with the options I wanted, in my price range, good mileage blah blah blah and bought it that day. Again, I didn’t consult anyone because I wanted to prove that i could actually do this by myself. It seems like a good plan, but if you are me you are then stuck worrying for the rest of the time you own the car that something will go wrong and it will be your fault for not asking someone smarter than you to approve your decision and when people see what a huge car-related mistake you made they’ll all be there to say “you bought a stupid car because you are a stupid person and you do stupid things!”
ANYWAY, this is all coming up because on the drive home today I started to smell the bad burninating car smell. All the way down Portland Ave I was freaking out about the burning car smell. The gauges were all in their happy normal ranges, nothing was really happening, but there was the burning car smell. Fuck, what if the engine was catching on fire? then I’d be a stupid person with a stupid burned out car!!
Then the car in front of me turned onto 40th Street and by the time I hit my turn on 42nd Street the smell was gone. My car was not burning up! The white cavalier was burning up! Good for them, I hope it goes well for them, the burning up and all.
Phew.
The funniest sad thing ever is when Maddie decides to chew on Ghengis’ rawhide and no amount of pushing her with his nose will get her attention and so he is left to put his nose on the floor and make the sad honking noises he makes. His other option would be to go get any one of the 500 other rawhides he has laying around and chew on that.
Although it seems he has chosen plan ‘C’: chew the tag out of my jean jacket.
Also, today, the dogs decided to enjoy the better part of a 1 pound block of Callebaut dark chocolate. Assnuggets.
My health is returning slowly, but the snot only shows minimal signs of abating. I was moderately useful at work today which is pretty damned good if you ask me.
Cold windy rainy day with the threat of snow overnight. Tomorrow I will be the short one on the corner screaming “FUCK YOU” at the sky.

Every night we take the dogs out. We sit on the front steps, me on the left, him on the right. We smoke our one cigarette and talk.
We talk about work or dogs or trips or memories or we just make shit up.
Then he walks the dogs around the block so they can poop and I get ready for bed.
When he gets home the dogs race through the house to find me and tell me about everything they smelled and the places they peed.
I crawl into bed while he is checking his stuff on the computer and brushes his teeth. Then he brings me my vitamin, I take my vitamin, hand the glass back and he tells me to drink more. He tells me I need to drink more, he nods when we compromise on how much is enough.
We do this almost every night, slight variations in every step.
I like the pattern and the consistency and I’ve always liked being given a vitamin.

The campus where I work is in a not so great part of minneapolis, not the worst part but definitely one riddled with drugs and crime. We have 3 institutions on theis campus, the art college where i work, the art institute and the children’s theatre. We are a 6 square block oasis in the midst of the ‘bad part of town’.
There’s always crime on the periphery, usually one drugged out thug on another, occasionally a mugging of one of the students or residents.
This past week or so there has been a definite and alarming increase in the incidents. They are all pretty similar, two perps coming up behind the victim and either grabbing them or knocking them down. Occasionally a gun is flashed. These happen suddenly, they steal purses or wallets or whatever and take off.
A few weeks ago there was an unrelated series of assaults by a man who was kidnapping the victims, taking them to their homes and stealing their stuff. He was caught.
I don’t like being scared, I refuse to be paranoid, but this is very real. The route from my office to the parking ramp takes on an poorly lit path between buildings where no one is really watching. I don’t want to get robbed, I don’t want someone to knock me down and take my purse. There’s not much in there, a few credit cards, many many many receipts, my cell phone, I never have more that $40 cash on me.
I don’t want to get grabbed from behind, I don’t want to get knocked down, i don’t want someone to take my purse.
A few people have mentioned getting guns. What’s the point? If I had a gun on me and I got knocked down and my purse taken I would then also be the owner of a stolen gun. Even, if the world were a magical place and I actually had the chance to pull a gun and aim it at someone, would I want to trade a life for my purse? Or, more realistically, would I be willing to get shot over a cell phone? It’s a nice cell phone, but I like my liver and spleen, I don’t want them harmed.
It’s just frustrating to think about. I was never really scared before, the bulk of the incidents before involved people who knew each other, drug deals gone bad, the occasional gang rivalry. I came to work, did my work and went home. I engaged in no behavior that would invoke the anger of a thug. Now that does not seem to matter.
So, we’re going to move in numbers. I might start parking elsewhere, though my options are limited, i cannot parallel park to save my life.
Not much else to report, the mundane details overwhelm us all. Tonight I must haul ass to the SuperTarget and get dog food and groceries. this morning the dogs got a bowl full of treats as I had been remiss in my dog food buying duties. I don’t think they minded. Levi told me he gives his dogs peanut butter sandwiches when there is no food. Good idea.
SuperTarget, Dishes, Laundry. I will not be making dinner tonight, there is leftover eggplant parmesan for David and frozen pizza or pierogies for me.
Ghengis’ ear is getting better. The more I think about how much pain he was in on monday morning the more my stomach hurts. He was in so much pain he was shaking, his jaw was quivering. I know what I feel like when I have an ear infection or a sore throat, but I can tell someone, i can drive myself to the doctor or ask someone to do it for me. he is without words, what if I had missed it Monday morning? It had been bothering him the whole weekend while I was gone, what if I had made him go all day monday as well? I feel awful not knowing what he needs.
Puppy guilt, it’s a terrible thing.
Lastly, Maddies birthday is coming up on the 12th!! She will be a big girl 5! Of course we will have a party with cake and frosty paws and presents and spinning in circles! Ghengis will get presents as well, and at is party, maddie will get presents.
Seriously, folks, this is what happens when you are 32 and you have 2 dogs and no kids. Sad.