Category Archives: Doogles

manfunk

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Tomorrow we leave for the BWCA. David spent the evening prepping and packing and getting ready.
I spent the evening standing over boiling pots and stirring and burning myself (note to self: jam is mostly sugar, it’s way way hotter than water). I finished the Def Strawberry Jam, it worked out beautifully. I am so pleased with it. I worked out my salsa verde recipe and processed it. It is truly a thing of beauty. I may have to call and switch from ‘mild’ to ‘hot’ salsa. It’s hotter than expected.
anyway, I’m exhausted, I’ve not slept well since Thursday night.
I leave you with the above photo of Maddie and Chester waiting in the window. This is what I see every time I come home whether I’m gone for an hour or an entire day, they stay in the window. Maddie is more vigilant, she stays in the window and moves for nothing, she even sleeps there.
Wish us luck! I’ll come back with photos and movies or cool bear scars!
(also, go see a Fringe show!)

though there is pain in my heart, i welcome it for it is proof that my heart does still beat

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I have to remember that even though the pain of my grief is still great, the level of that pain, the sheer greatness of it, is in direct correlation to my love and happiness and joy that I had with Ghengis. Few people get to find so much happiness in such a short time and I should be grateful.
I know people who have lost pets or lost relationships and refused to do it again. They refused the risk of almost certain pain. Pets will always dies, relationships will end or the person you love will die. That is not me. If my dog dies, I will get another and I will simultaneously grieve and find joy. If my relationship ends, I will not reject another out of fear. I will move forth and put a on a brave face. I do these things because I have no choice. I am hard wired to seek out joy and contentment even when things feel hopeless and by adding the joy, I am erasing the hopelessness.
I do regularly feel despair over the loss of Ghengis, I doubt I’ll get over that any time soon, but I have to remember that I also have happiness. I have Maddie who loves nothing more than to curl up next to my belly and have me wrap myself around her as we sleep. I have Chester who seems to be trying to master the art of language so he can talk to me.
And I have David who will wake me up at 3am to tell me I’m cute, who puts blueberries on our pizza, who understands that snowboots must be pink and sneakers can’t be blue, who makes sure I get enough fruits and vegetables AND enough burritos and who accepts that sometimes orange sherbet is an excellent source of vitamin C.

Vulnerability, he said, has its own sort of power. It allows you to love even when you have every reason not to, to keep your heart on fire even when you have every excuse to let it go cold.

From Sweet Juniper
I’ve had my reasons to go cold, but I haven’t. And I don’t think I could.

still

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It’s been almost 9 months since I lost Ghengis and if I were to predict anything, I would have predicted that I would have felt a little better by now. I’ll have a day or two where I think I’m doing okay and then I’ll realize that the boulder in my chest isn’t supposed to be there.
On some level I’ve gotten so used to my grief I forget it’s there. On another, entirely stronger level, I still grieve every day.
Sometimes it’s so heavy I’m not even sure what to do about it. I can’t call anyone, I’ve already called everyone. Nine months of grief is not a burden other people want. It is not a burden other people could take on even if I could hand it over. I’m losing friends. I can’t maintain friendships because I know I’m not exactly the funnest person to be around. It takes a lot of energy, energy that I don’t have, to be normal and social. I crave my crochet, my dvd’s, my crossword puzzles.
I want to go out with my friends, I want to go camping and hiking with David, I want my friends to come in from out of town, but I don’t have the energy to coordinate any of this.
I want a night where my dreams don’t involve running towards the street but never getting there, never getting to Ghengis. I want to get through a week without hiding in the shower or basement or bedroom or work bathroom and silently crying into my hands. I want a month to pass without the overwhelming urge to punch someone.
I check petfinder religiously wondering if maybe another litter of Ghengises was born and brought to the shelter. It happened once before, right after I got Maddie. Maybe it would happen again, right?
It’s all just so exhausting.

pile of

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Today Levi dropped little Doti off for the weekend. Currently, a little house with 3 dogs doesn’t seem like a big deal. In fact it’s been really boring. Of course that could be because Doti had to take a dramamine before she came over and she’s still sleeping it off. Perhaps I should prepare for the wear-off.
She and Chester are trying to determine territories and the level to which they should protect them. Chester’s idea of ‘territory’ seems to be defined as ‘anything that fits in my mouth’ while Doti’s is just her crate. This means that Chester has hoarded a lot of ‘new’ toys but is still unsure of the mini soccer ball because it takes a lot of effort to get it in his mouth.
I left work early today. I felt bad because both my boss and my fall back stand in dude were out, but I figured multiple days of intestinal distress justified the leaving. Also, I was fucking crabby as hell and i figured I should leave before my mouth got me in trouble. Once you’re overcome by the urge to scream “get the fuck away from my desk” at people you usually enjoy, you know you gotta go because what happens when Mr Mustache starts talking to you about his erotic adventures with strawberries and mundanity.
The search is on for a house. I’m feeling very tentative about it, but logic says this is an amazing time to buy. Of course my soul is says i’m not ready for that kind of commitment. I’m handing it off to fate. What happens is what happens and everything works itself out in the end. Of course I’ve made it clear that my requirements are a fenced back yard for the dogs (and whatever other animals I collect along the way) and a dishwasher. My only chance at long term sanity is a dishwasher.
Of course, I have been checking the listings and have already found a few dream houses in our price range…