Meet The Candidates:
Maddie Boombalattie: Maddie is running as a candidate for the Safe Lady Party. She supports complete safeties for the lady and promises to initiate programs that all dogs can use to keep their ladies safe. Maddie also supports large scale availability of chicken dinner and getting snugs in the morning.
Vote Maddie: She’s good.
Chester 12Pound: Chester is running as the candidate for the Peanut Butter Biscuit Party. He supports large scale legalization of peanut butter biscuits and an end to thunder storms and shots from the vet. He wants to make sure even the littlest of the dogs has a voice in today’s government.
Vote Chester: He’s the little dog that knows the thing that is all of the stuff.
#1 Illegal Immigration – Where do you stand on illegal immigration of mice from the outside?
Chester: OH MY GOD!!! No! No mice! They come inside and they eat ALL OF MY DOG FOOD!! Can you even believe a thing? And they run around and do poohibbities INSIDE THE HOUSE!! You don’t do poohibbities inside the house. And my food is DOG food! It is not stupid mouse food. They don’t even know a thing and then they come inside! I support the total rounding up of mice and putting them outside but over by the train depot so they can’t come back.
Maddie: This one time I was by the lady and there was a mouse that was in the bedroom and he was eating the food and the lady watched the mouse and then later the mouse was put outside. We don’t give chicken dinner to mice and also the mice don’t go on me or the lady.
#2 Foreign Policy – Where do you stand on relations with foreign nations?
Chester: For too long Fat Squirrel and Mail Man have trampled our borders, mocked our decency and shown that we can not do the thing that is trust them! Fat Squirrel and Mail Man want only to kill our freedoms and create a world that can have no happinesses for dogs. I have a plan that has 7 points and all the points will make it so Fat Squirrel and Mail Man will never be a threat to the thing that is our way of life.
Maddie: Fat Squirrel and Mail Man are just clowns without shoes. They can do things but they can’t come inside. The real problem is the cats because sometimes they are inside a place and they go by the lady and they have claws and teeth and I have to bark at them and let them know the lady is safe. I think we need to do the focus inward and deal with the cats.
#3 The Environment – What is your opinion on the proposed Kibbley-Chunk Dog Food Pipeline?
Maddie: Well, the thing is that I like dog food and I like to eat it but I think this pipeline should have chicken dinner in it because I like chicken dinner. It has chicken in it and also it has my special pill and the lady makes it for me except for the times when the Food Guy makes it.
Chester: A vote against the Kibbley-Chunk Dog Food Pipeline is like a vote against all of the things that are good. With this pipeline dogs can do a thing that is eat all of the times that they want and also it would be so good. There are the people who say the thing that the Kibbley-Chunk might have a break and go in the lake but then we can just go to the lake to have dinner! I love the things that are picnics because sometimes there is cheese and I get to run around a lot.
#4 The Media – Media coverage in this election cycle has been contentious, what is your opinion on the media’s role?
Maddie: Sometimes the lady takes a picture of me and she lets other people see it and they say nice things that like I am so sweet and that they like my face.
Chester: Do you want to hear a thing? I will tell you a thing that is Bick Stickerson of W-Peef-Poff-N is a super jerk and he thinks he knows all the things and that he can say things like I do nudity dances in public. I DON’T DO NUDITY DANCES IN PUBLIC!! Bick Stickerson is a 12jerk and his whole face is dumb and W-Peef-Poff-N is the stupidest place for dumb news.
#5 Education – What does the state of education look like in your future
Maddie: Oh! I know about this! I teach classes at the Greater Bathroom and Hallway Community College and people come to my classes and I teach them things like how to make peanut butter and how to do computer things. Sometimes Food Guy visits the classroom but mostly he does piwi and leaves.
Chester: The number one best part of education is the treats! One time I had to go to classes with other dogs and I got SO MANY TREATS that I puked in the car on the way home!
Maddie: One time the lady was sitting there and she was quiet and then a spider when on her and she did so many screams. She sounded like a baby caterpillar that was pooping out 2 new caterpillars that were the same size as her. That was weird. But what is important is that one time a cat went to the lady and hit her and I yelled so hard at that cat and now the lady is safe. I know how to make a lady safe and lady safety is a fundamental constitution. We can do this. Sometimes I get egg dinner and not chicken dinner and once I got stuck behind the table in the living room and a lamp got knocked over. My leash is red.
Chester: How many times a day should you get a peanut butter biscuit? Some people with smartnesses say twice a day, another person said 3 and Bick Stickerson said he should kiss my muscularly taut ass! That’s right, Bick Stickerson! When I get elected I’m going to pass a law that is that W-Peef-Poff-N SuperNews can’t say any more lies about me!! You hear that? See how many Flaming Biscuits for Journalistic Excellence you win next year!! NONE!! Because I am Chester 12Pound. A vote for me is a vote for Bick Stickerson to shut his STUPID MOUTH!!
Thank you to everyone who followed last night’s PSANN election coverage. The Puff Snuzzle Action News Network had a lot of fun and we hope you did, too. Votes are still being counted and the results are murky at best. A roll of toilet paper has got a high number of write in votes and one ballot doesn’t have any candidates marked off. It is covered on both sides with a poorly constructed rant about Bick Stickerson and W-Peef-Poff-N SuperNews.