hi HI hhihihihiii!

Hi hi hi HI HI HI hihihihi!!! HI!! Oh my GOD HI!!!!
My name is Chester and I am The dog that is the dog that is the lady’s dog! But also the lady has a dog that is Maddie! This is true. But I am not Maddie! NO! Maddie is a doofus and I am handsome, and that makes me Chester!
You can tell that I am Chester because I am so handsome and Maddie is standing there like a doofus hippohead
Okay! SO! Something very very sad happened! This is true. Sad! My name is Chester and I am a good boy. This is true! But something happened this week that was not a thing that a good boy should do and I got very sad and scared. Maddie and me and the lady were playing “Captain RoundyButt’s good time Harfuffle Festival” on Monday and the lady did the thing that was knock me down and that is not sad because sometimes the games we play are of knocking down. But when she knocked me down I said a thing that was “grubble grubble” and Maddie got very upset because she does not like when the lady gets grubbled at. But then I got scared! I had scarednesses because when I was a very little I lived with dogs that were very big and mean to me and my brother Archie (who now lives with other people who do not do meannesses to him like the lady and the man do not do meannesses to me!). But I had so many scarednesses that I did snapteeth at Maddie and she get more upset because she knows you cannot do snapteeth by the lady and she tried to make me stop! and I got more scarednesses and she got more upsets.
and I bit her and I bit the lady!! I had to hide under the bed because I was so sad and scared and upset. and the lady kept doing the thing that was tell me to come out and get a treat but I did not do the thing that was believe her because I knew the thing that was that she was going to put me in the garbage can!
There were so many upsets and Maddie had to go away for a whole day and when she came back she had strings on her face and she was tired and sad and the lady had 14 worries and the man was very quiet. But the thing that is true is that I did not get put in the garbage can! The lady did not have any madnesses at me at all! She hugged me and told me I was still her little MonkeyMan and 12munts-chickenpunts.
But then…she gave me a bath.
And today she said the thing that was I’d better start doing the thing that was working off the thing that was called a vet bill! I have too many scarednesses of the vacuum and I am too short to reach the thing that is the sink and I don’t have thumbs so I can’t do a thing that is broom the floor! So I have to do this thing that is answer the questions again!


Hi Chester,
My name is Koa and I’m a 1 year old Yellow Labrador Retreiver. I love my person very much but feel a little sad when she knits too much. Some days she gets home from work and I’m SOOOO excited to be with her. She takes me for a bit of a walk -glorious, then sits on the couch (Where I’m NOT allowed) with her hands busy knitting. Can you believe it?! I can’t even make eye contact with her, she pushes me away when I nudge her elbow and lick her hands. She won’t let me help her by holding the ball of wool in my mouth. Finally I sigh dramatically and lie down on her legs. She thinks she can make it up to me by rubbing my tummy with her feet. Yeah right! That’s just not good enough! What do you do when this happens Chester?

HI HI HI hi hiHIHIhi!
Oh my god! you are not allowed on the couch?? That is 12 terrible sadnesses! this is a thing that I know because I am allowed on the couch (except the lady calls it a sofa because she is a doofus)! Are you allowed on the thing that is the bed? I am allowed on the bed and I would have so many sadnesses if I could not go on the bed!
The lady does the thing that is crochet which I think is like the thing that is knitting except is the thing the lady does.
But you are 1 years old! that is a thing that is still a little! You are a little! Littles have importances that are play times. I am 3 years old and not a little but still I have importances that are play times! I have to go to the place that is the Dog Park and I have to do RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN!!!! and CHASE CHASE and sometimes I have to do ROLL ROLL ROLL on things that have gooooood smells! This is true!
You need this too. Do you want to know the thing that is the thing that I do? I do the thing that is be crazytimes! I grubblerun around the house, I jump on the lady, I BARK BARK BARK!!! and finally the lady says the thing that is “that’s it, I’m taking you to the place that is the dog park and running you to the thing that is exhausted!” and I get to go to the dog park! and you should too!.


dear chester,
how did you get to be so smart? i know you are smart cause you know stuffs and you are chester. did you eat the smart pills from taipei bunny’s cage? how do get to be as smart as you?
not as smart as chester

Smartnesses! I have the things that are smartnesses! I remember taipei bunny! and the smartnesses! But I don’t know about where the smartnesses cam from! The lady says it is because I am Rat Terrier and that I like to do the thing that is solve problems, but also the lady says the Beagle of me tempers the smartnesses. But she also says the thing that smartnesses are the thing that is creepy! But I don’t know about that because I am only Chester!


Dear Chester,
I am a cat named Giacomo (after Giacomo Casanova) and I am the prettiest cat in the world. I live in an apartment with my cat friend Winky and a lady. I have a small problem. When I was little, I used to like to hump things, but before I went to live with the lady, they took me to the vet and “fixed me”. Then I stopped wanting to hump things.
Well, my friend Winky still likes to hump things! Including me! But I know he has been “fixed” too, because I sniffed his butt, and it smells fixed. I am the boss kitty, and I don’t like being humped all of the time! It is simply undignified. When the lady is home, sometimes she makes him stop..but the lady isn’t home all of the time. How do I make Winky stop humping me?

HI HI HIHIHI hihihiHIHIhihi!
Humpcats are SO FUNNY!!! Hahahaha!! Oh my god! I should tell the dogs at the place that is the dog park about humpcats! I bet they would think it was funnier than my other jokes! Like my joke about how the man picks UP my poop. OH MY GOD the dogs laugh so much when I say that one.
Sometimes I like to do the thing that is hump maddie even though the vet did the thing that was make me fixed but I know that Maddie is the thing that is the boss of the pets (and the lady is the boss of us) but I like to do humps on Maddie and Maddie does the thing that is knock me down. and we play a game and run and she does the thing that is knock me down.
You should knock down the Winky!


Dear Chester
My name is Beans, and my sister (Buster) and I are Fox Terriers. Our favourite pass-time is chasing things. Last weekend a very small kitten (maybe 8 human weeks old?) was tottering along our fence and invaded (fell into) our yard. My sister and I immediately gave chance, and my human screamed a lot and called for her husband.
Much chasing ensued, and eventually I pinned down the kitten. Turns out they are very sharp and I couldn’t really get very close to it before my human snatched away the kitty, and her husband snatched away me. Buster was still yapping and running around their feet.
The kitten was scared (for some reason) and tried to get away from my human by biting her very hard on the finger and on her arm (as I said – turns out they are very sharp). My human got to the fence and put the kitty over, despite suffering lots of bites.
Buster and I continued to run around madly yapping in the yard (while my human sat gibbering in a bleeding mess) until we got locked in the house. It was an exciting event and my human has some nice bruises and had to get some shots from the human vet.
Since then Buster and I have been doing lots of kitty border patrols shifts along the fence line and making sure we do extra barks just in case the kitty is thinking about coming back for round two.
But here’s the problem – even though I would normally bark madly at anything from a bird to an imaginary bird, my human jumps and panics every time I bark because she thinks the kitten is back.
Should I bark less until my human has healed both mentally and physically (they are pretty good bruises and scratch marks)? Or is keeping the border safe from kitten invasions more important?
Sending you lots of woofs and licks,

Hi Beans!
Oh my god! The scarednesses! I know about the scarednesses! The scarednesses are a thing that are funny but not funny like poop jokes but funny like weird. I used to have scarednesses when I was a little because of biggers that were mean to me. But now there are no biggers that are mean to me, only nice, but still I have scarednesses sometimes. Is a thing that happens. The lady says the thing that is the brain does the things that are associations of things from times of scarednesses so that when they happen again the brain can tell the body to run away from the thing making the scary! this is a thing she says that makes it okay to survive. But she said that sometimes the brain does the job too good.
You did the thing that was BARKBARKBARK at the little and that is the thing that you do. and the lady did the thing that was rescue the little because it is the thing she does. and the little did the thing that was be afraid and do the defendings because that is what littles do! and now the ladys brain did the thing that says “if the dog does the thing that is BARKBARKBARK then a little will do painfuls on me and I will bleed and be sad!”
You should not do the thing that is BARKBARKBARK so much! HA HA HA!! I say this!! HA HA HA!! but the lady tells me not to bark so much but every day the MAILMAN!! OH MY GOD!!! THE MAILMAN!!! the mailman HE COMES TO MY HOUSE!!! and I hat ethe mailman SO MUCH!!!!! and I do not just do the thing that is barking at him but I am the YELLING I HATE YOU MAILMAN I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!!!


Hey Chester,
Do you like to play games? Does your lady play games with you? My bestest game is fetch. My mister finds a hair doody that my sister leaves laying all around and flips it in the air, or across the room, or anywhere, sometimes even under the cold food box thingy. it is hard to dig it out from there. Then I, smart cat that I am, fetch it! it is lots of fun.I bring it back to the mister and drop it so he can flip it again and again and again. I never get tired. What kinds of games do you play with your lady?
PS My lady loves to read about Chester.

I love to play games!! The lady likes to play a game called Captain RoundyButt where she tries to do the thing that is pinch my butt! But the thing that is the game is that she does the thing that is go SO SLOW to the place that is my RoundyButt that I am made CRAZY!! and I am so crazy that I fall down and roll on my back and go HOWFHOWFHOWF and still she goes SO SLOW to my RoundyButt and I can’t STAND IT and I jump up and run around and around and then I come back BUT THEN!!! SHe goes SO SLOW at my butt!!! and I fall down again!!!
We also play the game of JUMPRUN!! Where the lady stands very still and she does the thing that is ignore me for a long time and then I do the thing that is believe she does not pay any attentions but then she JUMPS and YELLS and I am the thing that is SO SURPRISED that I run is a GIANT CIRCLE but my butt runs faster that my body and gets under me!
Also the lady does a thing where she puts a treat somewhere and I have to find it and get it. this is a game with many hardnesses to it because sometimes it is not easy to know the way to get the treat and sometimes I will try one way to get the treat but it won’t work and I have to do a thing that is try a different way! The lady says this is a good kind of game for me because it does the exercisements of my brains. She says I have many brains and I get the thing that is all looped up if I don’t do brain things.
Maddie doesn’t do brain things for games. The lady says that Maddie has other jobs in her brain. Maddie is a doofus! The only thing in her brains are the things that are “Keep the lady safe” and “Is the lady safe?” and sometimes “harfuffle!”


Okay! Goodbye is the thing now! Because I am Chester and I have some tirednesses. The lady says this is enough of the workings for me today but tomorrow I will have to do the workings that are wash her car!!

3 thoughts on “hi HI hhihihihiii!

  1. Dear Chester,
    I know ALL about the stupid humans ignoring the bark-bark-barking when it is MOST importantest!!!
    Every Week, I try… I hear the sounds, and my Stupid Humans sleep.
    EVERY Friday Night. I hears them.
    The People.
    The Peoples who STEAL THE TRASH!!!
    But my Dad patpats my bed, and says, “It’s just the Trashmen, Bertha…” and goes back to sleep!!
    And I do not UNDERSTAND why he does not Go Out and STOP them!!
    EVERY Friday night… Every!!!!
    Then Pa has to work EXTRA hard, ALL week LONG, filling up the trash can ALL OVER AGAIN!
    I try to help, which is somewhat of a challenge, seeing as I have no thumbs, and must pick up litter with my mouf.
    Dad says, “Thank you Bertha, for that, it is trash.” and puts it in the bin.
    Dad says, “Jim, will you take this out to the trash can? It is empty.”
    BUT DAD NEVER SAYS, “Oh Noes! Bertha Says that the TRASHMEN are here!! QUICK, Let her out so they don’t STEAL OUR TRASH again!!!”
    Peoples are so confuzzling.
    Big Bertha
    semi-retired Service Dog extrordinaire

  2. Sooooooooo cute. I laughed and laughed at your “lingo”. I’m going to share this with my kids. They will get a huge kick out of it too. Thank you for bringing such quality humor to my day! 80D

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