out into the world

This past weekend I headed off to Chicago for the Stitches Midwest yarn and fiber orgy and to meet up with Ravsters, especially my pantsters.
Highlights from the drive down:

  • Got all retarded on the directions to Stevens Point and missed out on Lunch with Squiddy and the Squidlets. Let’s be clear here when I say ‘retarded’, I mean that if there were special ed courses about reading directions carefully BEFORE GETTING ON THE ROAD and not just assuming you know what you’re doing, I would fail those classes.
  • tried to save a stray dog. Best I could do was feed him, he wouldn’t let me touch him
  • Um, when did the Illinois tolls change from amusing ($.40) to uninvited rectal spelunking?
  • ha ha ha oh Chicago traffic! How predictable you are

I finally made it to Lisa’s about 2 hours later than I expected. Her duplex neighbor was outside and when I inquired about finding Lisa she walked me to a different building with a different address despite my protestations. I had to call Lisa and tell her I’d been shoved into the wrong building by some pushy ditz with emotional problems.
Issues worked out, I met up with Lisa and made it to her place. I met 1. the cutest baby girl ever 2. the most fascinating 3 year old i’ve ever talked to 3. the nicest husband dude 4. biggest dog!
Dinner, play with kids, go to sleep, pass out.
The next (Friday) morning I got a whole new respect for parenting. This is not to say I had not previously respected the art of parenting, but, you know, you kind of forget. I hauled everyone out to Wishbone, the awesomest restaurant on the planet. You don’t just skitter on over for a bite to eat when there are 2 little kids involved. There’s a lot of organizing and planning and discussing empty cicada shells and taxis and running in the rain. I carried Fiona, the 14 month old, because I felt it was my duty since I had insisted we go (also, I love love love carrying the babies. seriously, my ovaries were popping left and right this weekend). I immediately started forming a very strong muscle in my forearm near my elbow.
The thing about kids is that they are awesomely unpredictable. Who knows if they are going to find the food awesome or as appealing as tax forms. Also, they have their own ideas about what is interesting. Sitting quietly is rarely on that list (and for good reason!). So, kids move and wiggle and don’t want mac and cheese but do want bacon and they don’t want you to feed them they want to feed themselves (specifically, they want to feed crayons to themselves, also, part of ‘feeding themselves’ includes feeding the floor). Because this is such an uncommon occurrence in my life I just reveled in it.
We cabbed it back and decided to take naps and boom, out for 3 hours! Kids are exhausting! Unlike dogs, they only take one nap a day as opposed to the day BEING a nap with the occasional moments of being alert.
The neighbors came over, John made ribs on the grill, and then I locked everyone out of the house.
Yeah, I locked everyone out of the house, but in my defense, I did not know that the lock was engaged! The day was saved by a lanky 14 year old! Hooray! Then it was back to ribs and pasta salad and wine and trying to get the kids to eat something they like and making sure they didn’t eat crazy stuff like rocks. Then we all got plopsios (popsicles for the uninformed!). At some point in the evening the low doses of meds finally got to me and things got to be too much. John and Lisa were very gracious about this and were not offended that I chose to eat dinner away from the back yard party.
Then more playing with the kids and threats regarding the kidnapping of me and keeping me in the basement so that I might always be available to entertain the kids. Very ‘Silence of the Lambs’. I was tempted to let it happen since it’s been a while since I got the hose
It makes the children laugh ’til ten or else it gets the hose again!
ah, but then it was bed time.
Next up: I am humbled to the core and I buy lots of stuff!

First bad, then good

Let me get this rant out of the way, then I’ll say happy things
I lost my insurance last month. Today I went to go pick up my prescriptions for the first time sans insurance. Awesome. $670 for one month. ONE MONTH!! $670!!! Fuck me.
I had to fucking order my prescriptions from Canada. Approximately 3 months of prescriptions costs me $450.
It is a disgrace, an utter shameful disgrace for this nation that all it takes is one small stumble in one’s life and they’re done for. I’m goddammed lucky, David and I have a lot of money in savings and we don’t have kids. There’s be no way we could afford this otherwise. I have to go to a different fucking country to get the medication I need? I live in one of the wealthiest nations on the planet! I live in a nation with such a GLUT of resources that more gets thrown out than consumed in any one day and yet for me to survive I have to buy medicine from a different country?
It’s immoral and it is sick and it is an outrage that this happens.
I come from a looooong line of social liberal Norwegians who FIRMLY believed that a society is only as strong as its weakest members. So long as people were poorly educated and had little to no access to healthcare then so would your society be stupid and sick.
As per usual it is so much easier to judge than to listen, so much easier to dismiss rather than learn. I fear that we as a society will never shake that Puritanical ethos that your lot in life is a direct reflection of your righteousness. It allows us to skip any responsibility towards our fellow man. “Why should we help the disadvantaged? It’s their fault. Shouldn’t I get to enjoy the benefits of my righteousness?” And no longer are we a society, we are just a dogpile of opportunists climbing over one another. hey, if I’d wanted to get to the top i wouldn’t have stumbled, would I?
It’s so frustrating to think of how easy it is for one event to completely ruin your life and there is NO SAFETY NET. There is nothing to stop a freefall. I’ve said it for years and I repeat it more often than a broken record, but as a nation we should be ashamed of ourselves. People TALK about wanting to help but when it comes to taxes, to funding that safety net that can make all of society stronger, they balk and start talking about personal responsibility and pulling yourself up by the proverbial bootstraps. Well, you know what? Some people can’t even afford the fucking boots, how are they going to pull themselves up from that?
okay, rant over. I’m angry for my situation but it is ameliorated because I know that we will get by one way or another. I know how lucky I am. I am angrier for those people who do not have access to the resources I have. Those people who were already fighting to make their paychecks last until the next, those people unable to save any extra money because there was no extra money to save. People with kids who cannot afford to work because daycare costs more than their gross pay. People who go without the medication they need because they cannot even afford Canadian prices. I’m already low-dosing myself, hoping to make the pills I have last until the ones from Canada arrive, but I don’t think I can stretch my next 5 doses into 7-10 days. The irony of course is that these meds are keeping out of the hospital, except if I stop taking them it won’t matter, I can’t afford the hospital.
Thursday I leave for Chicago for the Stitches Midwest yarnstravaganza!!! There will be an awesome meeting of the Pants! We even have a hotel room and everything. Hooray for drunken pantsters!!!
Also, I will be meeting people who know me through my advice column on Ravelry. I’m very excited (and nervous and scared) to meet so many new people.
Also a great big Happy Happy HAPPY Birthday to my sister April!! YAY YAY YAY welcome to 35! I’ve been keeping a seat warm for you! April has been such a strong link in my support system these last 6 weeks. I repaid her thoughtfulness and kindness by forgetting her birthday. I admit it, I suck. BUT! I am making it up to her and I want all of you to wish her a happy birthday as well!
ALSO ALSO ALSO! My pantsters (seriously, I’m sorry is you don’t know who the pantsters are, they are the awesomest people ever) worked together and they sent me care packages and love packages and reminders that though I am in a dark place now, they are still there to help me. I have been left in tears, speechless over the kindness of their words and thoughts.
It’s hard for me, I am never good at accepting true kindness. I often feel I am not worthy of the sentiments or energy since there are people who need it more than I do. But I’ve learned to just believe it is there and it is true and it is real. I am lucky to know such people.

Food Meme

Food meme from the OTHER Heather
1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
4) Optional extra: Post a comment at www.verygoodtaste.co.uk linking to your results.
The VGT Omnivore’s Vegetarian’s Hundred:
1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses cheese
17. Black truffle chopped up in things.
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder
33. Salted lassi and sweet lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal curry
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut eeeew hate them
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi fruit
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin the clay/mineral in Kaopectate?
64. Currywurst
65. Durian fruit
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake all of them
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain both platanos and maduros
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost cheese
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu wine
77. Hostess Fruit Pie (made with lard)
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong tea
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum soup
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare (does rabbit count?)
87. Goulash
88. Flowers nasturtium, violets, rose petals
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate (now I have a goal!)
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa hot sauce
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

Crap, you found me!

Once again it’s time to peruse the search terms that people used to get to my site. For those of you wanting to play along at home, you can click this link and download the pdf.

  • Velvet-c There are at least 5 (FIVE) different terms related directly to the name of the site. My favorite is the one that is the ACTUAL URL FOR THE SITE!
  • how to stop being an asshole well…hmmmm….I’m not sure you’ll find the road map for that particular journey here, but best of luck to you
  • hookah and bacterial infections no idea…I’m not sure that it ever occurred to me that there might be a correlation between hookahs and bacterial infections, but now I’m curious
  • FAT LADY UNDERPANTS I don’t know who you are or why you were searching for ‘fat lady underpants’ on Google, but I think it’s fate. Call me, I have what you are looking for.
  • secret lives chickens just call me the poultry whisperer.
  • chukity fair enough, it’s a word on the site. It’s also a word I completely made up one day.
  • abnormally small feet this is where I get confused. On one hand, sure I have abnormally small feet, on the other hand, my website isn’t really set up to handle the needs of the niche fetishist.
  • cerebellum sore GO. TO. THE. DOCTOR.
  • doyenne I had a day where the word was stuck in my head AND it was the word of the day AND that was the day i learned what it meant.
  • maddie, chester, ghengis someone looking for my dogs. Who’s stalking my dogs?
  • methods of euthenasia (sic) once again, speechless
  • give me $1000 now YEAH! YEAH! I don’t know, but…yeah? Who demands money from a search engine? why were they sent to me?
  • twain upholstered sewer indeed
  • yeast infection dog ate dough go to the vet or take a basic biology course.
  • lysol dainty for a petite clean?
  • will vistaril hurt me yes. yes it will. it will punch you so hard that you will puke yesterday’s lunch all the way into next week (also it will make you sleep for like 18 hours straight)

This is just a sample of the search results for the first half of August. A quick glance at July’s entire list gives us such gems as: alaska boobs, finger up her butt, pendulous boobs, sinus maximilaris, kerri miller adult playful, desperately needing to pee, www.mightycock.?, smelly ungulate, fucking on bingo, 5-hooks bra, my pendulous breasts, sour cherries and intestinal distress, pact with baphomet, novelty vibrator guard, naked ladies in sweaters, sesame oil latex condom safe…
and my personal favorite…
pilgrims on pills
Ah yes, remember the good olde dayes when Goody Proctor and Goody Hawkins got alle hopped up on ye olde goofballes and did runneth thru the goode towne square withoute compliment of clothes?