Every once in a while I get that “hey, i write pretty okay stuff, I should write a book!” idea. Luckily for everyone involved, this thought is quickly followed up with “the occasional witty blog post or email is not in any way a sign of actual literary talent and may actually be a sign of the fact that I am incapable of writing anything longer than 6 paragraphs”. This is good.
Occasionally, I do come up with bad bad bad openings for novels because it makes me giggle to actually spend time crafting intentionally bad ideas….

• Lacking any other surface they dumped their blow on the Koala Kare Baby changing station and started to cut it up. With amazing intensity they inhaled not only their next high, but the memories of thousands of Gerber shits, sweet lullabies and talcum powder along with an unhealthy amount of disinfectant.
• Like your husband on taco night, she was silent but deadly. Trained for 5 years on a lonely mountainside by the most secretive ninja trainer in the world, she fought for justice, she fought for truth, she was…The Fat Shadow
• She felt the familiar urge when she spied the Dracunculus Vulgaris blooming in her neighbor’s garden. It brought her back, way back to a time when things were simpler, and yet more complicated, a time when tv dinners were magical and yet profoundly silent in their deadliness. A time when everything made sense simply because she didn’t know anything at all.
• This is a book about some people that I don’t know. I made them up. I feel uncomfortable admitting this. This book is not a lie, it is just not real. The main character, John, may remind you of my dad but my dad is shorter than the character I call John. Other similarities are just that, coincidences. Like that ‘John’ is married to Meredith, like my dad is married to Meredith. and ‘John’ has a son whom he hates so much that he kicked him out of the house at 32 forcing him to get a pointless job that screwed up his D&D schedules and even though he couldn’t afford to buy beer or groceries because the computer upgrades cost more than he expected, ‘John’ would not let his son come back home to get groceries or beer or even do laundry.
• To understand a dog, one must only take into consideration that a dog has 100% more feet than a human. Once you wrap your brain around that, the rest of dog psychology is a snap.

Incidentally, if any of you are a book agent and you want to give me a sweet advance on one of these books, contact me.