chica mala

Today I saw a headline that made me laugh ut loud. I’ll never reveal to anyone this headline because it was actually a very bad thing, but for a brief moment, everything that is snarky and mean and cynical just flew forward and I laughed.
Part of this is the fault of the headline writer, it was crafted in such a way to feel like a headline straight out of the Onion.
But let’s be real here, I can’t blame the hacks at, the responsibility lies within me. I laughed. I laughed because I thought it was funny and I’m laughing right now thinking about it. But I’ll never tell.
And, to do a complete 180…
I fucking hate Anthony Bourdain. I really do. I cannot stand him. I hate him more than Emeril. I think he’s a jackass and a shit. The entire premise of his celebrity is the fact that he smokes and scowls and wears jeans and is a complete jackass. You know how much I despise Emeril, right??? RIGHT???? Well I would far rather spend an hour with Emeril pretending to be nice than 12 seconds with Anthony Bourdain. I hate him.
Phew, okay, that felt better.

Dear anna

Look, all I’m saying is that before the weight of wind up, spring-loaded tchotchkes and tinny music crushes you, before the vacuum of suburban troglodytia devours your soul, before the mall of america consumes the last breath of good in you…YOU SHOULD HAVE SOME FUN.
Lilo and Stitch, Monter’s Inc, a bucket of chicken and popcorn. I won’t even make you eat your vegetables! Why would you say no to that? Why would you even take time to consider?
An entire evening of dog farts, jokes at your expense and heartburn!!!
Come on, you know that deep down inside you love it.
Forever and Always
Associate Vice President of Cool