So the other day I’m thinking about what I’m going to post for my birthday. Birthdays depress me, they remind me that I’m getting older and older and tireder and tireder. Or something.
Last year, my 30th was fantastic. I hated the idea of leaving my 20’s but I ready for my 30’s. I saw my 30’s as a time to do all the things I could not or did not do in my 20’s.
Things change though. I had plans for my 30’s, a vision for how things would turn out. Divorced and childless was not how I saw it when I closed my eyes. 31 was gearing up to be a really depressing birthday.
But it wasn’t. Not at all. I could be dwelling on all the ways in which my life has changed in ways I didnt want it to, I could mope, and be pissy and all that. Actually, I was for a while, and it wasn’t fun. I can’t change things back to where I want them, and it’s really pointless to dwell on all that could have been. In the past few weeks I’ve made some decisions, some brought relief, some were emotional, all were satisfying.
One of the decisions was to emotionally extricate myself from those things that cannot reciprocate. A few friends are in that category (hence the mulling of friends previously). The big thing was the house. As much as I love this house and all it represented, it was just a house and what it represents isn’t there anymore. Along with the house goes the items inside. We started the dividing of the stuff this week and I just let things go. I pulled all the emotion out of it, just saw it as stuff, really only want to keep what’s practical to me. Sure, there are things I want that I can’t have, but I’m getting other things and everything can be replaced.
The big decision, however, the one that has just brought my focus back was leaving the state. I’ve always wanted to move away, first Chicago years ago, more recently Savannah. I’ve always wanted to get out of here, but never really had the opportunity. Now I do. The house is being sold, I have a reasonable amount of equity to be put back into another house, the new place does not have to be here.
I’m packing up and moving to Baltimore. As far as I can tell, people do not move to Baltimore to reinvent their lives, but Baltimore is all about practicality. I kept making lists of what I needed in a city, I needed ocean nearby (not beaches, just ocean), I needed a better winter than Minnesota’s (which could be anywhere, really) and I needed people that I knew. Several cities were coming up as 2 out of 3. I was lamenting to a friend that DC would be a perfect choice as it fits all 3, but I can’t afford it. He recommended Baltimore and after a bit of research I’ve come to believe that he is wise in all things.
So Baltimore it is.
I have something to focus on now. I have a direction to point myself in. I know what the goal is and now I am working out the plan. New life, new city, new vision. Now that these decisions have been made, I feel a bit more free. Now when someone or something pisses me off I can quietly mumble, “fuck you i’m moving to baltimore”. Cut me off in traffic? fuck you i’m moving to baltimore. Run out of cigarettes in traffic? fuck you i’m moving to baltimore. Chew a hole in my new shirt, pee on the rug and chase the cats? fuck you i’m moving to baltimore. Oh, shit, yeah the puppy’s coming with too, I guess.
I didn’t mean for this to get so long, dang.
Essentially, I had a fantastic birthday. I had breakfast with my dad, saw a baseball game with my friend Alan, had a great dinner with Jen and Alan, and drank pretty much constantly through the day. I got great presents from people, and more importantly, I got great birthday wishes.
Sorry I wrote so much, but, fuck you, I’m moving to Baltimore.