The sadness is that there is something wrong with everybody.
Chris Onstad
Achewood
12/31/02

I get to see the coolest shit sometimes.
I am currently watching the mating rituals of some chickadees outside my office. Who gets to see this kind of stuff?? Me!
The boy chickadee hops stiffly in a circle. Hopping stiffly enough, he has proven to his special lady friend that he can supply her with a season’s worth of beetles, berries, and birdseed from the bird feeder 4 feet away from them. The girl chickadee feels his offer is adequate and expresses this by hopping onto a branch and shaking her ass furiously.
We can learn a lot about the college sorority girl by studying the common chickadee.
The boy jumps on her back and they bounce for a second and he falls off. They do this repeatedly untli his payload is deposited in the First National Bank of Cloaca, Chickadee branch.
They finish up and fly over to the bird feeder where he presents her with a lovely dinner for two.
I need to call the Audubon Society.

This is just a short message to any aspiring artists out there.
You may think that continuously looping video art prominently featuring Madonna is a good idea and makes a strong statement about something.
It doesn’t
In fact, it’s already been done. Poorly. Outside my office. Learning to flush after you piss has more artistic merit.
And since I’m at it….
This is a short not to the giddy teen girl at The Realistics show last night….
Everyone can tell that you keep that cheap studded collar in your locker at school only taking it out when your mom isn’t looking. If I were you I wouldn’t wear it unless I had an outfit that matched it better. Specifically, an outfit that didn’t feature Keds.

“Do we act like kids?” she asked as we turned onto our street.
“So what?” I responded, “it’s all paid for.”
She laughed, “true, true.”