HI HI HI HI!!!!!! Remember me?

HI! I’m CHESTER!! Remember me? This is me! Chester!

NO!! WAIT that isn’t me! Not me! um, let me try it again…

GODDAMMIT!!! Maddie is lying to me! She’s not helping me. I’m going to go bite her.

She knocked me down. She’s a jerk.

Okay, now I officially hate Maddie! She is dumb and she has a fat head! Stupid Maddie. She doesn’t know anything at all about anything.
HI HI HI HI!!! This is Chester! Do you remember me? do you?
So there’s this weirdness and it’s weird. The fat lady is home all the time now. It’s weird. First the funny man was home a lot, but I think that happened before, but now the fat lady! I don’t know? I like it. Sometimes she hugs me a lot or pets me and my name is Chester but she changed my name to 12pound and that’s okay because she gives me her cereal bowl
When I go outside with the fat lady I always run out and yell “THIS IS MY YARD AND MY FAT LADY!!” even if no one is there!! I do it really loud in case someone is hiding. I want them to know. I tell them. This is mine. The fat lady says “SHUSH” but I don’t care! Because the people and the dogs and the squirrel have to know. I have to tell them.
OH! the lady! the fat lady is home a lot and sometimes she sits and hugs me and I like that but I can tell that maybe she likes to be by me but also maybe she does not like this being home all the time. I know this. I know this because my name is Chester 12pound! I know. So I do things to help. I can help. See. Help.
The fat lady likes underpants! I know this. When she says the underpants she also makes laughs! So I put some of her underpants in the living room to make her happy! and she got to see them, but also Anna saw them. I like Anna. She smells nice and she pets me and tells me good things. I don’t like Alan. I say GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU ARE NOT THE ONE IN MY HOUSE I AM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW!! but he doesn’t listen and he stays in my house and the funny man tells me to not yell at people.
No one understands.
Not even maddie but maddie is dumb. When I yell she gets ready to yell but all she says is “LADY! Where is the lady? Protect the lady! PROTECT!!” She doesn’t even know. She just runs around all big headed and not knowing and being dumb and trying to protect the fat lady.
She doesn’t care about protecting my toys or the place in the yard where I poop or my seat on the sofa!

MADDIE!!! I hate maddie! I had to chew on that place by my peener and Maddie put in another picture that was not me. I think she did it on purpose! I think maddie is doing this!
I’m going to go bite her and then jump on her

8 thoughts on “HI HI HI HI!!!!!! Remember me?

  1. well, y’know what, Chest Hair? I don’t like you very much either. You are a jerk. Maddie is sweet, and you are a jerkwad. so there.

  2. Aww, Chester, everyone loves you! Until you start barking/nipping/stealing/picking fights/destabilizing small Central American republics, you’re a seriously lovable little guy!

  3. Dear Chester,
    I think you sound like a normal guy dog to me. My Amber thinks you’re cute by the way. She’s a golden retriever.
    And to your owner, hang in there. Be kind to yourself.

  4. I would have read the rest of the post, but I was distracted by the fascinating
    ‘rectal dilators’.
    I’ve never heard them called that before.

  5. Maddie is the sweetest, bestest, cross-eyed-est, head-shaped-like-a-honda-element-est dog ever. And you, ChestHair, are jealous that you can never live up to the pressure of comparison. I know your dirty secret, and that is why you hate me so.

  6. This is the funniest and truest thing I have read in forever. My dachshund even approves it! Also, I sent the photo of rectal dilators to my mom. Thanks!

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