on second thought

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I don’t think I want to know any of you guys anymore. You are one truly screwed up group of people. It’s not even the end of the month and I have 3 pages of fucked up search phrases.
So, let’s break it down, shall we
Page 1

  • I know I cover this every time, but if you know the name of the website, why are you searching for it?
  • all y’all are just a little too obsessed with boobs! Alaska boobs? Difference of boobs? boobs. Come on, you’re not 12 year old boys! And if you are a 12 year old boy, go to a different website! There’s nothing for you here. Any discussion of sex in this blog will likely make you gay and blind.
  • Attention men! ATTENTION!!! One of you has a girlfriend out there who is trying to learn how circumcision is performed. It seems she has found the information she needs from my site. If I were you, I would leave soon and never look back. She’s gonna Bobbitt your ass.
  • lanolin shar pei? A shar pei is an awesome and sweet dog. Lanolin is one of the foulest and stinkiest substances in the world. The merest wiff of lanolin makes me want to run, any more than that and I want to heave and my head hurts.
  • See poop! SEE POOP! YEAH!
  • Homemade sleep pills. Man I WISH I had that on my site.
  • Cerebellar coning in dogs. What?

Page 2

  • Wow, lots of mentions of pee, bladders and bursting.
  • Hey, guy whose lady is planning on circumsising him….looks like she’s also trying to learn to ‘incapacite’ (sic) a guy
  • More boobs! You love the boobs! Not the titties or the breasts or the bumblebops! Boobs!!
  • Leminger! A dude recently commented that his last name is Leminger! In searching out his family, he discovered me and my jam. If I knew where he was, I’d send him and his family a case of Leminger (and don’t any of you email me to say that your name is “Def Strawberry Jam” or “Merciful Peaches” I will see through your deceptions
  • Sore throat sore muscles? Take a break once in a while.

Page 3

  • Ant porn? Is there ant porn? why were you looking up ant porn and more importantly, how come you got directed to me upon searching for this?
  • dicks! The awesomeness of this is that someone searched for the word “dicks” and got sent to me. Dicks! What posseses anyone to search for the word dicks without modifying it in any way like “humongous dicks” “most people are dicks” “why do dicks smell like corn nuts”. So instead you search for the single word ‘dicks’
    I just did that search and some 12.2 million results returned and ten pages into the results I still didn’t see my site. This tells me that someone searched for ‘dicks’ and spent hours reading minidescriptions until they found me. AWESOME!

  • ‘swallow oxyclean’. No. Do not swallow OxyClean.
  • ‘Where is the cerebellum and what does it look like’. The cerebellum is in your head, and it looks like brain. Fucking zombies, why do you even care what the parts of the brain look like. Just fucking eat it.
  • who the hell has a ‘big iron collection’? who collects irons??
  • ‘peed forever’. sometimes, yeah.

Yeah, so you guys are freaks

though there is pain in my heart, i welcome it for it is proof that my heart does still beat

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I have to remember that even though the pain of my grief is still great, the level of that pain, the sheer greatness of it, is in direct correlation to my love and happiness and joy that I had with Ghengis. Few people get to find so much happiness in such a short time and I should be grateful.
I know people who have lost pets or lost relationships and refused to do it again. They refused the risk of almost certain pain. Pets will always dies, relationships will end or the person you love will die. That is not me. If my dog dies, I will get another and I will simultaneously grieve and find joy. If my relationship ends, I will not reject another out of fear. I will move forth and put a on a brave face. I do these things because I have no choice. I am hard wired to seek out joy and contentment even when things feel hopeless and by adding the joy, I am erasing the hopelessness.
I do regularly feel despair over the loss of Ghengis, I doubt I’ll get over that any time soon, but I have to remember that I also have happiness. I have Maddie who loves nothing more than to curl up next to my belly and have me wrap myself around her as we sleep. I have Chester who seems to be trying to master the art of language so he can talk to me.
And I have David who will wake me up at 3am to tell me I’m cute, who puts blueberries on our pizza, who understands that snowboots must be pink and sneakers can’t be blue, who makes sure I get enough fruits and vegetables AND enough burritos and who accepts that sometimes orange sherbet is an excellent source of vitamin C.

Vulnerability, he said, has its own sort of power. It allows you to love even when you have every reason not to, to keep your heart on fire even when you have every excuse to let it go cold.

From Sweet Juniper
I’ve had my reasons to go cold, but I haven’t. And I don’t think I could.

still

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It’s been almost 9 months since I lost Ghengis and if I were to predict anything, I would have predicted that I would have felt a little better by now. I’ll have a day or two where I think I’m doing okay and then I’ll realize that the boulder in my chest isn’t supposed to be there.
On some level I’ve gotten so used to my grief I forget it’s there. On another, entirely stronger level, I still grieve every day.
Sometimes it’s so heavy I’m not even sure what to do about it. I can’t call anyone, I’ve already called everyone. Nine months of grief is not a burden other people want. It is not a burden other people could take on even if I could hand it over. I’m losing friends. I can’t maintain friendships because I know I’m not exactly the funnest person to be around. It takes a lot of energy, energy that I don’t have, to be normal and social. I crave my crochet, my dvd’s, my crossword puzzles.
I want to go out with my friends, I want to go camping and hiking with David, I want my friends to come in from out of town, but I don’t have the energy to coordinate any of this.
I want a night where my dreams don’t involve running towards the street but never getting there, never getting to Ghengis. I want to get through a week without hiding in the shower or basement or bedroom or work bathroom and silently crying into my hands. I want a month to pass without the overwhelming urge to punch someone.
I check petfinder religiously wondering if maybe another litter of Ghengises was born and brought to the shelter. It happened once before, right after I got Maddie. Maybe it would happen again, right?
It’s all just so exhausting.

beep

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1) I am addicted to crossword puzzles. I do at least 2 or 3 a day. On the weekends it is not uncommon for me to do over 10. I do everything from the NYT to the Merriam Websters. I’m not saying I’m great at them, I just love them. Sometimes David and i work together, sometimes he thinks I am insane. I am insane and I like crossword puzzles.
2) Speaking of loving things, I’m still pretty deeply in love with SudBot, the dishwasher of caramelly goodness
3) in the few weeks that we have been looking at houses they’ve managed to get even cheaper! Awesome. I mean I guess not so awesome for the thousands of people foreclosed upon. It kind of feels like buying one of those really cheap houses is just me feeding on the corpses of the victims of unethical lending practices and american capitalism gone too far, but on the other hand, hey, cheap house. And seriously, you can’t even argue with me on the points of unethical lending or capitalism gone too far, you should have seen the mortgage dude we first talked to. he was like a creepy car salesman. When we told him that the figures he was pulling were definitely above what we were comfortable with as a monthly payment he tried to pull some flash and magic and ran up all kinds of numbers about tax decuctions and returns and for a minute we were mesmerized. Then we woke up and realized that his calculations were way off base, his figures were wrong and he obviously didn’t know how to calculate deductions. You know there was a minute there where we did think “yeah, he’s right…” and luckily we woke up. Now, this guy was actually at a reputable firm and we are fairly well up on the situation. Imagine some of the really slimey guys and the people who don’t know or don’t understand how these things work, they just trust that the professional in front of them knows what he’s talking about. So, yeah, the meaty corpse of the american dream is being served up on my plate and I’m not sure how to feel about it.
4) Fucking Awesome! Of course by “awesome” i mean “awesome if you like Radiohead and cool flash illustration
5) bunny hats with adjustable ears, dolls to sell on etsy, felted purse made from yarn died for me.
6) I have $40 worth of Door county sour cherries coming to me next week. Cherry jam is back on the menu. Also time to get the jams for the state fair together.

Ways in which I am a jerk #3419

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I finally saw Brokeback Mountain last week. I know, i know, 8 million years late. Whatever.
I’m sitting there watching it and I didn’t like it. The whole world loves this tender story of gay cowboys and I’m sitting there thinking “what a couple of jerks!”
First off, the script sucked, the dialogue sucked, the premise was completely forced and retarded. A couple of sly glances, a forced kiss and suddenly there’s copiuos unlubricated anal sex? Um, what the hell?
Then there’s the characters. Okay, fine, I can accept that the time/location situation would call for gay cowboys to marry women and have babies and appear straight. I can also accept that married gay cowboys with children probably still want to have sex with other gay cowboys. But do the married gay cowboys have to be such assholes to everyone? I looked at this movie and didn’t see the sad story of a love that could never be, I saw the story of a couple of selfish jackasses being mean to people to get what they wanted. You love your gay cowboy more than your wife? Sure, okay, but she mothered your children and is providing an effective beard for your secrets, maybe be nice to her. Maybe don’t treat her like an annoyance. Maybe having and maintaining a long term job to support your children is a little more important than mountain sex.
And finally, why didn’t he fish? Obviously they had to stop fucking once in a while to eat or ride horses and whatnot. Why not go get some fish? Does secret gay sex make you never want to fish? Why wouldn’t he fish? He’s out there, the river is there, they have to eat something other than jerky. I don’t believe that they wouldn’t fish. They forced this detail in without even thinking about it.
So, in conclusion, I take the most beloved PC love story of our time and hate it. Next thing you know I’ll be stomping kittens and running sweatshops. I’m a jerk.