I miss you SciAm

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I’m a premium member of salon.com, not that I really remember why, they piss me off all the time (I’m a liberal, I appreciate the liberal ideas, I don’t appreciate out and out bias in the same fashion they accuse the conservatives. I mean, you can be biased all you want, just dont pretend you’re not. but i digress). As a member I have get to have all these free subscriptions. I signed up with every intention of reading what I got, but I never do. I never read them.
The sad irony is that the one magazine that I do read religiously, cover to cover I don’t even have a subscription to anymore. Sigh, Scientific American, why did I ever forsake you?

A series of angry letters

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Dear Farmers Insurance
Please start sending me my bills in a timely manner and stop applying my payments to the wrong account
Dear Chase Manhattan and Wells Fargo
Please figure out this fucking car payment issue before I put both of you in a room and gas you. It’s not hard. Chase, you go to Wells Fargo and tell them how much money they should give you each month; Wells Fargo, you go ahead and give that money to Chase. Easy.
Dear Everyone
No, I haven’t lost weight. Stop asking. They only way possible that I could have lost weight recently is by having upwards of 8 fully formed tapeworms residing in my abdomen. Those tapeworms would have to be battling a rather large cancerous growth for nutrition. So what I’m saying is that every time you say, “have you lost weight” I think to myself “Holy shit, I must be infested with parasites and cancer and they must love ice cream and doritos a lot.”. Stop making me think I have cancer.
Dear Prednisone
I hate you.
Dear Mom,
I love you dearly but I need you to stop hinting about grandkids.
Dear Dad
I love you dearly but I need you to stop hinting about grandkids.
Dear Curt Schilling
If I have to see one more shot of your bloody ankle, hear one more time in graphic detail the process by which you are stitched together, or hear one more “he’s bringing truth to the name ‘Red Sox'” I’m gonna hunt you down and kill you. You are the old man version of Kerry Strug and that’s nothing to be proud about. Sure, you’re all pitching game after game with a horrifying injury and it must be awful for you. I don’t care. One time I had to drive 8 miles to work with an upset belly!! Yeah! 8 MILES with a belly that didn’t feel so good (maybe I do have parasites) and no one did close ups of my belly every 32 seconds to show the world what an extreme effort I was putting forth to get to work. Schilling, suck it up and be a man.
Dear Cheese Girl
I miss you.
Dear me,
Go home, lay on the couch, feed your tapeworms (Dilby and Squiggler). Get some rest, you’ve had a rough week.

Dear Alan

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While I do agree that someone who has brownies made for them should not argue much with the maker of said brownies, I do feel it is fair for the consumer of the brownies to argue a point that is so very very wrong.
Brownies are good, there is no denying that. Milk cannot make the brownies better. Milk can certainly enhance the brownie eating experience if you are one who enjoys milk. You see, the milk is enhancing the experience, not the brownies themselves. A brownie is pure goodness with or without milk. Drinking milk might make the eating of a brownie better, but does not change the fundamental nature of the brownie.
There are few constants in this universe, few things that we can consistently rely on, but the goodness of brownies will be a truth until beyond when the sun dies.
Also, milk is vile.
xoh
p.s. you should invite me over to eat nachos and watch more of the world series. Just a suggestion.