Part One: How I Spent My Winter Vacation.
So where have I been? Not been writing much, not been able to, that’s for sure. What happened?
By the time winter rolled around I had weaned myself completely off the Effexor. Effexor is not a bad drug, per se, but it was not the correct drug for me. I appreciated that it lifted me from the absolute dregs of depression, that it evened out my mood swings, that was awesome. The problem with the Effexor is that it made complacent with my depression. I knew things were not going well, but meh, I had a hard time caring about it.
Winter rolls around and I am completely off any meds at all. Let’s just take this moment to contemplate the idea of facing the holidays (and all the stressful nuggetry they entail) sans brain meds! I don’t even recommend that my healthy friends do this. Holidays should…nay MUST! be endured with some form of artificial fortification. To do otherwise is to mock the entire institution of holidays with the family! Suffice to say, things went from tolerable to not okay to entirely fucked in a few short weeks.
It happened mid December. The best way I can describe it is that my mind split into two parts. One mind was sick, very sick. That part of my brain was a whirlwind of anger, paranoia, hurt, suspicion, irritability and generalized craziness. While you might be tempted to say, “but, Heather, how is this different from normal?” and I would respond with a hearty, “suck it”. Seriously, though, it was pretty awful. My mind was thinking thoughts that I did not want to think, it was believing things that were completely untrue. My mind was suspicious of everything everyone said. The worst part of all this was that it was constant, it was uncontrollable and it was pervasive.
The other part of my mind stayed rational and mostly reacted in horror at the thoughts and ideas in the crazy part of my head. I was lucky, very very lucky. I imagine I was on a precipice looking over the edge at the abyss of mental illness and I almost fell. The fact that I managed to maintain that slice of rational mind is a miracle, nothing less. I stared into the face of true mental illness and it scared the holy hell out of me.
Unless you have experienced it, I’m not sure you can quite appreciate it. We tend to see our minds as an ineffable, unquantifiable part of our physical brains. We separate them, our brains are corporeal but our minds are non-corporeal. The mind is the essence of you. So what happens when your mind starts doing things that you don’t want it to do? How do you control the thing that you need to use to control itself…what? How do you use your mind to control your own mind and thoughts? What do you do when you cannot control your mind? What exactly does that mean about you?
There were so many horrid thoughts in my head, so many awful conclusions reached. It took a grand force of will during every interaction to not blow up at people, to not scream in anger, to not accuse people of secretly hating me, of conspiring against me. And even when I did limit my interactions with people these thoughts would not stop. They were like a hurricane in my skull, an unceasing force in my mind. At one point it got so bad that I found myself in the bathtub knocking my head against the edge of the tub. One good thump of the tub would give me 3 or 4 minutes of relief, would provide enough external stimulus to distract my from my mind.
My little slice of rational brain was screaming! I knew this wasn’t right, I knew this was unhealthy. Most importantly, however, I knew that I could lose that slice of rational brain. I told people, I called for help. I was losing this battle and I was sinking fast. And help was what I got. We bumped my therapy up to twice a week, I got a couple county social workers (which is a completely different post), my friends and family grabbed me by my hair and pulled me to the surface and they held me aloft until I was able to tread on my own.
What is free will? What does it mean if the choices you make are tainted by depression? mental illness? poor ‘wiring’ in the brain? The fact that the small slice of rational brain remained is the exception, not the rule. It was wholly terrifying to see how easy it was for my mind to become that black and oily snakepit. If I’d lost that bit of rational brain and fell off the edge there, would I still be operating within the parameters of ‘free will’? How free is your will? how many of the things you choose or act on or react to every day are truly free will? How many of your emotions and reactions are free and how many are the result of baser instinct? or brain chemistry?
The thing that scared me the most was knowing that if I lost that bit of rational brain I’d never know it, that there would be no way to recognize the loss of rational mind without the rational mind there to analyze the situation.
The good news is that I climbed out of that morass. I survived. I got new meds, I’m taking Nortriptyline and it’s working. It is really truly working. It is like a vice grip of fog has been removed from my brain. I went to therapy twice a week as needed and as the fog lifted I was able to bring it back down to once a week. I’m calling this ‘My Cautiously Optimistic Phase” as it’s true that I am feeling good but I know that it might be temporary, that it’s not enough to just want to feel better.
And while this won’t mean much to most people, it will mean something to those who have been close to me during this crisis: I cleaned my kitchen.
Category Archives: Opinion
Ask Auntie BubboPants
I promised and promised and promised and finally here it is, the food column!
***
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
First, like probably many of your fans, I enjoy reading your column in each issue of This Week in Ravelry. I appreciate your insight and your no nonsense approach to giving advice and saying what you feel. As per your request for food questions, I have some for you. I often find myself in a rut making the same or similar meals. With my hubby & I both working, there isn’t much time for dinner preparation when we get home. We’re hungry & don’t want to wait an hour for dinner, especially when we get home at 6 pm or later. That leads to snacking & unfortunately the snacking is usually not healthy. Maybe this is a multiple part question: Can you suggest any recipes or meals that are tasty, quick to make & packed with vegetables? Perhaps related, do you have any recipes for spaghetti squash other than the usual bake, shred, eat or bake with cheese, shred, eat? Don’t get me wrong, I like spaghetti squash prepared that way, but I’d like to broaden my spaghetti squash horizons.
Thanks for any & all answers!
spaghetti squash butt
Dear SSB,
First off, thank you thank you! I do really appreciate that people enjoy reading the column!
So let’s see, you’re having trouble with snacking before dinner time and it’s ruining your dinner? Stop buying those snacks. Really and truly! Stop buying the kinds of snacks that lead to eating and eating and eating. I know it sounds sort of trite and mom-like, but if you’re hungry, then eat a piece of fruit! Or some carrots! Stop buying the empty calorie type treats and snacks. Instead, when you go shopping, make a list that focuses on the reality of your situation. You are often too tired and hungry to focus on large meal prep right when you get home, you need to eat something little first to help curb the hunger pangs. Once you’ve had your little home-from-work snack you can get back to focusing on a real meal. So buy some legitimate snacking options like baby carrots, apples, bananas and whatnot.
As for quick and easy veggie packed meals, I will share with you the secret method David and I use. We often forget to cook dinner until it is very late at night. We are very easily distracted and somewhat irresponsible at times. One of the things we started doing is keeping big bags of frozen mixed veggies in the freezer. Our easiest meal is to make spaghetti, and we will dump a bunch of frozen mixed veggies into the sauce while it’s heating up. It’s not the kind of thing that I would serve to guests, but it gets a lot of veggies into me in short order and I don’t have to try to plan out multiple dishes for dinner when I am tired or not really feeling like cooking.
Spaghetti squash is lovely and can be added to just about anything. I like to stab it a few times then throw it in the microwave for 8-10 minutes depending on the size of the squash and the power of your microwave. While that is happening throw some minced garlic and olive oil in a saute pan. Then add about 1/2 to 1 tablespoon of any spice blend you want! An italian herb mix or some curry powder or Greek seasoning or whatever you are craving. Add about a teaspoon or so of water. Stir that up on medium heat until the water is mostly cooked off. Turn it off and let it just sit. Once you have your spaghetti squash well shredded then toss that in the pan with the seasonings, turn on the heat and mix until the seasonings are thoroughly mixed in. This seasoning mix trick can be used on pasta, other veggies, potatoes or whatever. The water and the sitting time are important for helping the flavors in the seasoning mix bloom and blend before adding the main ingredient (pasta or squash or whatever).
Also! Spaghetti squash, regular squash, potatoes and bunches of other things can be cooked in larger batches and kept in the fridge for about a week. When you are cooking, consider making a double portion of veggies or potatoes or the main dish.
***
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I’m newly married. I do the cooking, my husband does the dishes. Except, he complains a lot about doing the dishes. He prefers that I heat up a frozen pizza rather than cook a nice, healthy, tasty meal, because he doesn’t like doing the dishes. I don’t wish to serve unhealthy meals every night.
I’m trying positive reinforcement – lots of thank-yous, etc., when he does the dishes without complaining. We’re making slow progress.
In the meantime: can you recommend some dinners – real, hot meals with all four food groups – that use very few dishes for preparation?
(And while we’re at it… how can I make dish-time less of an ordeal?)
Thanks!
She Who Makes the Dishes Dirty
Dear SWMtDD,
I do not know what your kitchen situation is like, but I am going to recommend that you look into getting a full sized portable dishwasher! If you don’t know what they are, I will tell you (because I am good that way). A portable dishwasher is the same size as a regular dishwasher but does not get installed permanently, it hooks up to the kitchen faucet via an adapter. It exhausts the water right into your kitchen sink. When it’s done it can easily be unhooked from your faucet and rolled anywhere you like. Check Craigslist, I got mine for $50. They have the added benefit of giving you an extra square of mobile countertop.
So that is one way to make dish time less of an ordeal.
Okay, but I want to talk a little bit about the “equal division of chores”. When you first set up house with someone you always want to have an equitable sharing of responsibility so that everyone feels that everyone else is pulling their own weight. So, you divide things up and everyone seems happy. Happy until one person realizes that they just really really hate one of those chores. Sometimes the “equal division of chores” just isn’t all that equal or fair. Every act or chore does not need an equal corollary chore. Or if it does, it needn’t be the one seemingly related to it. The corollary chore to ‘making dinner’ doesn’t seem to be ‘doing dishes’ since doing the dishes seems to be something he really hates as opposed to just a chore to do. What I would suggest is that the two of you work together on the dishes and clean up after dinner and he picks up a different household responsibility.
I know it seems unfair, why should you cook and do part of the cleaning! Well, that’s just one of the 2 million compromises that you will make in the course of your relationship. You are going to find that most of the assumptions you had about fairness were at best, naïve. I know you are tired after working and cooking, but have him help you with dinner, and you can help him with the dishes.
Also, do you have a crock pot or slow cooker? If you don’t then get one! They are relatively inexpensive and they are invaluable in the kitchen. A roast tossed in the crock pot with a bit of water and some seasonings in the morning becomes delicious roast beef by the time you get home. Microwave a couple potatoes and some veggies and you’ve got dinner. Or make a simplified version of my crock pot chili!
1 can diced tomatoes (with the juices)
1 can diced jalapeños
3 tbl chili powder
1 tbl oregano
1 tbl cocoa powder
1 cinnamon stick
1 bay leaf
1/2 tb pepper
1/2 tbl salt
1 cup water
4 or 5 or more garlic cloves
1 chuck roast
put all of this in the crock pot before you go to work. Or, put all of it in the crock the night before and store it in the fridge and then put the crock into the cooker before you go to work.
When you get home, pull the roast out and put it in a large bowl to rest. Remove the bay leaf and cinnamon stick. Puree the contents of the crock pot. Once the beef has rested it will shred easily with 2 forks, add the beef back to the chili puree in the crock pot. From here add a couple cans of diced tomatoes and as many different cans of beans (black beans, kidney beans, red beans) as you like. You may have to add a bit of water as well. Heat it up and boom, you have enough chili to last you a few nights and your dishes are minimal.
***
Hello, Auntie BubboPants!
For several months (a year?) now, I have been completely uninspired in the kitchen. Then, I found SmittenKitchen.com – a food blog with beautiful and inspiring pictures! I wanted to share! Because I am now in the kitchen for hours at a time with all sorts of goodies!
I have to credit SallySitwell for the discovery, a lady who I met once at a knit night and then again once at yoga and then friended on ravelry and then found her blog where she mentions the site…
I hope you enjoy!
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
That site looks awesome!
I found a site called “Our Best Bites” a few days ago and fell in love with their single serving pies!
Readers, what are your favorite foodie sites? Pop them into the comments section so we can all share.
***
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
This is probably more food etiquette than food itself, but I’d appreciate your thoughts on the matter. I tend to show affection through food. I like nothing more than cooking or baking for friends and my DH’s family (mine is a continent away). There are several things I cook that are now constantly requested. His family has noticed this trend, and are starting to reciprocate.
The problem is, besides a few key dishes, his family members are terrible cooks. When his parents came to dinner last, they decided to make jambalaya. Now, I make a mean jambalaya. What they brought was disgusting. My husband and I choked it down. And before his mom served it, she said that “this dish will impress you!”
I had to thank her and take the leftovers (which were thrown out). Then she said she’s going to make it again for us when we go on a family trip next month. My husband gagged when I told him this.
Is there a polite way to tell her that we didn’t care for it? That I’d prefer to make it myself? I don’t want to seem rude, and there’s enough against me already that I don’t want to step on any more toes (they’re Cuban, and I just don’t like Cuban food, save for a few things! Friction!).
Furthermore, I have a lot of dietary considerations; some are medical and some are personal convictions. I can’t have dairy, but I won’t eat anything with artificial colors (actually I am allergic to some of those too!), flavors or preservatives. So when they brought sherbet for dessert (which has all of the above) I had to politely eat that too. I was woefully ill for days, and had an allergic reaction to the dye in it. (as an aside, I’ve told them I like sorbet. They don’t know the difference!)
So, how does one cope when dealing with food situations like this? If I declined either food, I’d have gone without dinner, and it would have been rude not to accept the gift of my guests. But at the same time, having to excuse myself to vomit isn’t very nice either.
What to do?
-Sick to my Stomach
Dear StmS,
You raise a couple of etiquette dilemmas here. The food issues/allergies one is pretty straightforward. You can let your hosts know that you have food allergies or dietary concerns. They can choose to cook for that, but they don’t have to. As the person with the dietary concerns you have to be responsible for what you eat, not them. So, if you are going to go eat somewhere, make sure they know your concerns, have a conversation about them. If they feel they cannot cook for your specific situation then you can bring your own food. There is no reason to eat something you are allergic to simply to seem polite, but these dietary concerns are yours, not theirs, and therefore your responsibility.
If you are not comfortable bringing this up to his parents then it is your husband’s job to do this. As your husband he is obligated to act as your proxy when dealing with his family (just as it would be yours to deal with your family on his behalf).
So, what happens if they cook a meal with your concerns in mind but it is unpalatable? You eat it and you smile and you appreciate the efforts that they went through to make a meal for you. I know it’s not fun to eat things that don’t taste good or are gross, but there are things that are so much more important in the long run than temporary discomfort. The act of feeding someone is rooted deep in our psyche. We don’t feed someone a meal just for the meal’s sake, we give the gift of food as a way of saying, “with you I will share my resources because you are important and we accept you into our pack”. Find a way, make a bit of a sacrifice, eat a small amount. Do this not just to make them happy but to accept the gift they have given to you, the gift of accepting you into their family.
***
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
Unless “is procrastination the natural human condition” counts, I am presently lacking in relationship and other big “what do I do with my life” questions, being as my primary relationship at the moment is with a graduate program that is allegedly helping me answer the “what do I do with my life” sorts of things as well. I DO, however, have a food question, which I trust you to answer as well as you answer other peoples’ more interesting and important life-issues sorts of questions.
I love to cook, it is one of the things that I do. I love to feed my friends and loved ones my cooking. I am also, as of a few years ago, a vegetarian who has no money (see also, graduate school). So, here is the question: What sort of vegetarian main (that does not involve pumpkin, which I don’t like) and is not a curry (which I love, but one does need some variety) can one serve a group of friends in winter in Massachusetts?
Thank you,
Tofurkey-Butt
Dear TB,
I am totally the queen of procrastination! I can relate.
Vegetarian meals without pumpkin? Easy! First things first, you see that chili recipe I posted up there? you make that but leave out the beef. Cook the tomatoes and spices all day, then puree it up and add more tomatoes, all the different beans you like, maybe some canned hominy (sometimes called maize blanco) and any veggies that catch your eye.
Or you can make the chili recipe up to and including the step where you puree it. Then take some peppers, onions and saute until golden in a bit of oil with some garlic. Add some sliced carrots, maybe some zucchini, cilantro and some kale and cook until about half done.
In small tortillas layer the veggies with some refried beans and cheese. Roll up and place seam side down in a 9×13 baking pan. Fit as many as you can in there. Pour the chili puree over these, cover in more shredded cheese and bake for about 30 minutes at say, 400 degrees or until they are hot all the way through. Serve with a salad and maybe some corn bread.
One more idea:
1 head of kale, deribbed and shredded
2 apples, cut into chunks (use apples that are good for cooking like McIntosh, Jonathan, or Gravenstein)
4 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 white onion, chopped
1 zucchini, sliced
a lot of sliced carrots
1 tsp rubbed sage
salt and pepper to taste
1 cup corn meal
1/2 cup shredded parmesan
2 tsp chopped rosemary
in a pot with a cover bring 4 cups of water to a boil. Slowly pour the cornmeal into the boiling water while whisking. Quickly add the parmesan and rosemary. Remove from heat, cover and set aside. It will finish cooking with the residual heat.
In a large fry pan saute the onions and garlic in oil until translucent. Add a stick of butter and let it melt (you can use less butter if you want, I’m not the boss of your butter). Then toss in the zucchini and carrots, apples, sage, salt and pepper. Cook on high heat. When the veggies get some brown around the edges add your kale. Toss it well into the mix and then cover and cook for about 3-5 minutes or until the kale is bright bright green and softened (but not overcooked).
Divide the polenta into 4 bowls and then divide the kale/apple/veggie mixture over the polenta.
Delicious.
copyright 2010 heather ward/bubbodesigns
Ask Auntie BubboPants
Hello and welcome back!
So! Where were we? Right, right! I was supposed to go on a trip and I was sick and there were dogs and multiple hours in a car. Yes, I remember that. Well, last minute car troubles canceled that trip for us. It was very disappointing to not get out of the house and see family and the U.S. Interstate Highway system, but on the other hand I think it was also a big relief. David and I had both been sick, we’re still carrying a bit of the crud with us. We were not really looking forward to spending 20plus hours in a car with two dogs and a lot of yarn flying everywhere.
So, we spent the holidays quietly, together. We drank a lot of Thera-Flu and tea and curled up together. Very relaxing.
But, life continues to happen and you still send me messages, so let’s see what’s on the agenda this week:
***
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I have a feeling this is going to be another one of those letters you find tricky, because the writer is asking, “Should I do A or B?”, and what you really want to say is, “Are you kidding? A or B? They’re both disasterous! You should be looking for Q!” So, apologies in advance :)
My husband and I have been married for the past six years, and now have an adorable baby girl who’s almost one and a half. During our engagement and the first few years of our marriage, while I was still a graduate student, we were more-or-less blissfully happy. As soon as we started living in the grown-up world, though, with actual jobs that have deadlines and rent that needs to be paid, things started getting shakier. And ever since the baby, the downhill slide has been slipping by a little faster.
As far as I can tell, my husband is happy – and therefore a pleasure to be married to – when the house is clean, there’s dinner on the table most nights, I know where all his socks are, and I am relaxed enough to play a few games of dominoes or chess in the evenings, like we used to do. But this list is pretty hard to accomplish on top of a more-than-full-time work schedule, and, I feel I can truly say, impossible to accomplish on top of a more-than-full-time work schedule while also taking care of a baby. Maybe there are some people out there who can do it, but after trying and trying for a year and a half, I am certain that I’m never going to one of them.
And when my husband is not happy, well, I know I’m probably not speaking very objectively here, but he’s just not a very nice person. Not violent, just continually unkind. Very continually, and very unkind. It’s really, really, really hard to be killing myself trying to juggle elephants while being buffeted by once unsympathetic criticism after another.
So, here’s my question. How do I train myself not to care about his mean remarks? How can I stop myself from feeling hurt and disappointed every time? I never respond to him aloud (don’t want the baby to hear constant parental sniping), but I’ve tried reminding myself that his criticisms aren’t just; I’ve tried reminding myself of all the things I do right in order to counterbalance what he’s telling me; I’ve tried focusing on happier things like yarn or pretty sunshine while he’s talking so that I don’t hear as much of what he says. But none of it really works. Do you have any other suggestions?
We’ve talked about these issues endlessly, and he can’t even begin to grasp anything that I’m saying, so I don’t really think he’s going to change. He is never going to help out with the house or the socks or the baby (or, if he does, he resents it so much that it really isn’t worth it for either of us). Religiously, divorce isn’t an option, and even if it were, I wouldn’t be interested – I’m pretty sure single moms have it harder than I do, and besides, the baby adores her daddy. I just need to know how to get by in a reasonable approximation of happiness while married to someone who’s not very nice.
Grateful BubboFan
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I sent you a question about twelve miles long a few weeks ago. I’ve been thinking about it ever since, and I think I’ve finally managed to whittle it down to the essentials. So, if I may rephrase…?
What I’m hoping you might offer me is strategies for emotional self-defense given that I’m married to someone given to making endless mean comments. Maybe there’s some form of yoga I could take up, which will allow me to just “zen” away remarks I don’t want to hear? Maybe there are tried-and-true strategies I haven’t heard of for instantaneous forgetting of hurtful comments? Has anyone perfected a method of concentrating so completely on an intricate lace pattern, for example, that the rest of the world temporarily fades away? Where does one look for practical emotional self-defense tips?
I know you’re looking forward to your food post in the next issue, and I hope your holiday season will be so full of joyous celebrations that you don’t have a moment to worry about unseasonably-gloomy questions like this! But I’m looking forward to your suggestions whenever my question makes its way up the list.
Thanks again,
Grateful BubboFan
Dear GBF,
You were very right in your first email wherein you asked me if you should do A or B but I want to tell you to do Q. Seriously. There is no A or B here. I cannot in good conscience give you strategies for living a life of accepting insults and hurtful comments. You do not deserve to live that life, you deserve a life where your husband respects you and accepts reality. A husband that accepts the reality of dealing with his own socks sometimes.
Trust me, there are ways of ignoring the hurt and the meanness, ways of letting it slide off of you in the moment, but those methods build a callous in you. Over time they transform you into something you are not, something smooth and featureless, something with no distinguishing facets. The callous becomes so thick and heavy on your soul that you give up even trying to have distinguishing features. You give up the idea of trying to live beyond the safety of that shell and there you will live, safe and trapped and unable to be anything but smooth again.
Fighting and arguing and standing your ground! These are not bad things. People often say “oh my loved one and I, we never fight ever!” Now I can understand if you mean “we never scream and yell and throw things at each other” because that’s good, but if they mean “we never disagree on a single thing, we never have a difference of opinion, if we do disagree, we don’t discuss or argue it!” that’s no damned good.
Have you ever made a souffle? When you make a souffle you grease the sides of the souffle dish then you dust it lightly with grated parmesan for a cheese souffle or some sugar for a sweet souffle. The reason you do this is that as the souffle grows and rises, it needs that texture to grab on to in order to climb climb climb to its full potential. If you don’t have that bit of grittiness on the sides it will puff up and slide back down and your souffle will fall, be dense and flat. It will taste like a souffle but it will look and feel like a leaden pancake.
Arguments and disagreements are the texture that help the souffle of your marriage grow and be something spectacular. The disagreements are only a very small part of the overall recipe that you need for a light and fluffy marriage, but they are there. You cannot learn and grow, you cannot see things in a new way, unless you accept and work out your differences.
So, no, I will not advise you in the art of building a shell around yourself. I will advise you in the ways of steeling your spine, of standing your ground. I will tell you that every time he says something cruel, every time he tries to belittle you, you will respond with a clear “NO” and you will walk away from him. You will not encourage his cruelty by absorbing it. You will strike it to the floor. Every insult will be slapped to the floor for they are not yours to take, they are not yours to care for and nurture. You may ask yourself, how is slapping them to the floor different from letting them roll off me? When you calmly accept the things he says and does, you calmly reinforce his behavior. It is okay that you are calling me names for I will do nothing and your imaginary status quo will not change.
If you say, “No, I will defend myself, I do not deserve to be hurt, if you did love me then you would not want me to feel so much hurt” then he will be forced to make clear his intentions. Does he love you? Is it okay if you are hurting? Is it okay if he is the one causing you this hurt?
Socks don’t have to be in perfect order, dinner doesn’t have to be a creative and exciting adventure every night, sometimes the dishes soak over night. A major agreement that David and I came to early in our relationship was that if there was something you wanted done in a specific way, you’d better be willing to do that yourself. That surely attempts would be made because we love each other and want to help each other, but some things just aren’t as important to one as the other. Socks came up as a minor issue. All of my socks get tumbled into the drawer when they are clean. I do not match or fold them or turn them into those little sockballs. This is a thing that I do not do. I do not. I know people do it, my mom does it, it seems like a thing that people do. I do not do this because it just seems like a lot of effort for not enough pay off. David likes his socks matched and bundled. When I do laundry I will fold all the clothes and put away most but I leave his socks for him. It is not a thing that I do. I do other things, not that thing. He does not get petty and mean, he does not insult me. He does his own socks because they are his socks and it is more important to him than me.
I want to ask you one more question, something to chew on. You have a daughter, a little girl who will grow up learning from you and your husband how a relationship is supposed to look. She will learn what is or is not acceptable in adult interaction from watching you. People make great efforts to not fight in front of the kids and while I applaud the idea of not getting into knockdown drag outs in front of the kids, I would also point out that letting kids see that sometimes adults disagree and most times adults work out these disagreements in ways that use respect and love as their tools is incredibly important. What message do you want to send to your little girl? That this is what she has to look forward to? That when she is not perfect, when she performs at only human and not superhuman levels she will also deserve scorn and ridicule? Children are sponges, think about the example you want to set for her.
You and your husband both have a lot of growing up to do and I imagine it won’t be easy for either of you, it never is. But if you commit yourself to defending yourself and not accepting his cruelties and if he does truly love you and want you to be happy then in time you will find that you are working as a couple again.
***
Dear Auntie BubboPants
HI Auntie, I’m hoping you can help me.
I recently took part in a yarn for woolies swap. The concept is you send someone yarn – some for your partner to keep, adn some for her to knit up into something you want for your kid.
So the lady sends me some (6 oz) luscious WAHM-dyed gaia organic yarn to knit up for her kid. She wants capris, ruffles, elastic waist, and she wants them extra big to maek sure they fit.
In exchange, she sends me about 8 oz of yarn she dyed herself. Pink and purple. That’s it. She claims it’s peruvian wool, but it’s scratchy. She says it knits up real pretty (that’s quote). But I can’t bring myself to even wind it.
Not only that, but I paid to ship it because she sent it to me with a package of stuff that I had ordered from her.
Her kid’s capris are done. I felt resentful every time I picked up my needles to knit that gorgeous gaia knowing that all I have to show for it is this crap she dyed. There’s literally 10 colours in the stuff she sent me, and she really seems to think that this was a fair trade. I’m bitter. I’m pissed.
But I have an ongoing relationship with this person (internet anyway – I order stuff from her regularly).
So do I say anything?
What would you do?
Nonsigning chickenbutt
Dear NSCB,
That’s the thing with trades with few guidelines, everyone gets to decide for themselves what their part is worth. This situation reminds me very much of the “Boyfriend Sweater Curse” brought up in a previous column of mine. You determine your own value for things and part of what determines that value are the untenable things like ‘effort’ and ‘awesome’, things that are subjectively quantified.
Sometimes these trades don’t work out because parameters are not well defined BEFORE people go to the mailbox. I think that is the case here, poorly defined parameters. If that weren’t the case you would not be so unsure about bringing it up to her.
The lesson here is to better define your parameters for trades in the future and then mostly stick to the business type transactions with her. Business transactions are always better defined than trade transactions. In a business transaction it’s clearly laid out that you will give exactly a certain number of dollars for a specific amount of merchandise and if one person falls short then the entire transaction gets canceled, no hard feelings (unless it’s a monthly fiber club! then there’s hard feeling all the diggitydamned time!).
Chalk this up to a learning experience. You learned to define the parameters of your trades more clearly in the future.
Also, you learned that scratchy sheep live all over the world, even in Peru (where they are probably ceaselessly mocked by their less scratchy counterparts).
***
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I have a co-worker and friend who is having a really hard time currently and try as I might I don’t think I’m doing her any good. We’ve only known each other for a few years but I know she has suffered from clinical depression in the past and was on medication that helped. For a number of reasons she decided to stop taking the meds and did well for a long time.
She suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder which only serves to make things worse come winter. Last winter was bad she cried regularly, complained about how much she hated our co-workers, town, weather, isolation, and her relationship. Unfortunately none of these are things I can change and her relationship just ended which is not helping her mental state.
She takes a number of trips during the winter that should help but only seem to make her more unhappy when she returns. Our job requires that we live in northern Canada in a place with bad weather (-40 C anyone?) and 5 hours of daylight in the winter but suggestions such as a full spectrum/sun lamp have been poo-pooed.
I could go on and on about specific things she does that from an outside perspective look like they only make things worse but they are only symptoms of a larger problem. I need to know if there are things I could be doing/saying to help in anyway. For over a year now I’ve been in active listening mode, hoping that a friendly, safe and loving space would make a difference… it hasn’t.
While I’d love to nudge her towards professional help to keep her job she’s unable to take any sort of prescription anti-depressant so she won’t go to a psychiatrist. I know that there are therapies that don’t involve drugs but am I being pushy and mean if I tell her that she needs to be speaking to someone other than me at this point? Please help.
Signed,
Dreading the Winter
Dear DtW,
You are not being pushy and mean. You are not a professional in the field of fixing other people’s heads. You are not a psychiatrist or a therapist or a psychologist. Your job is stressful enough without this hanging over you (note, DtW did share her profession with me but I am not at liberty to indulge it here. It a pretty damned stressful profession).
I know you love your friend and you want to help her, but you are not the help she needs. It seems that first and foremost she needs to get out of that profession and get out of that particular latitude. All the full spectrum lamps and vitamin D in the world will only be a bandage on what sound like much deeper problems. Let her know how much you care, how much you like her and want her to be happy, but also be honest with her. This is not the right job for her, this is not the right planetary latitude for her! She needs more sunlight, she needs more vitamin D, she needs a professional to help guide her through the miasma of her own brain.
copyright 2010 heather ward/bubbodesigns
you balanced with who in the what now?
So there’s been a lot of talk and whatnot about nature and living in balance with nature and finding harmony with nature. People talk about this like it’s some sort of attainable and magical situation, living in harmony with nature. Yeah right! You put any David Attenborough nature documentary on and watch it for ten minutes and you will soon come to see that nature does not want to harmonize with your sad ass.
Nature is not the female lead in a wacky romantic comedy. She is not charmed by your efforts to get to know her, she is not amused by all the work you put into making her feel better. She doesn’t care! If you’re lucky you will make it through the rest of your life without her even taking notice of you. This is nature’s idea of balance: one day you’re a tiger beetle larvae just chilling in the ground, eating the ants that wander by. The next thing you know a fucking methocha wasp shows up, paralyzes you and injects her parasitic offspring into your belly where they will develop and eat you from the inside out. You get to be alive for most of this process.
This is balance and harmony in the eyes of nature. Your ant colony is happy and prosperous so a bunch of the ants get eaten. You’re a happy tiger beetle eating all those ants but now you have H.R. Giger’s wet dream residing in your thorax. Balance! Harmony!
The more time you spend trying to woo nature, the more likely it is that you wake up to the panicked screams of your loved ones trying to escape an aerial assault from a flock of venomous winged bears!
Sure, you only buy corn grown by sustainable herds of hopi indians who transport it in recycled shoes to your beer can hut but that isn’t going to stop the inevitable infestation of ebola eels in your elf built tree bog style composting toilet system.
Nature will cut you. She will lure you in with the promise of birdsong and shiny red apples and when you get close she will shove 15 or 20 fat tailed scorpions up your ass, wrap you in a portuguese man-o-war, drop you off a cliff and cover you in an avalanche or two. She laughs at you. Peace? Balance? Harmony? ha! You better run you little wiener…run before beesnakes find you
boneless, skinless, soulless
The chicken breast. Genetically pushed, bred, modified, tweaked and forced into a reflection of all that is middle class midwestern sensibility. Giant, white, characterless, a vehicle for lost dreams. It’s an off brand, generic Barbie doll, dressed up and laded with accessories we ourselves would never be brave enough to wear. We simulate the adventures we could never have.
Boneless, skinless, featureless, magically appearing in styrofoam, gently laid on a bed of maxipad and wrapped in sterile plastic. It is the essence of safety, it will not challenge us. Slather it in salt, cook it until it is as dry and chalky as our rice cakes.
Mirroring our values, we find refuge in it. Is that a boneless, skinless chicken breast or is that my neighborhood? Uniform, featureless, sparsely flavored and holding no surprises. We reject the chicken thighs with their extra myoglobin and connective tissues, we reject the unexpected flavor and texture. The chicken thigh does not weakly submit, it is not eager to please us.
We put a premium on all that is dull and predictable, 100% white meat chicken attracts customers like popular name brand soda attracts wasps…W.A.S.P.S.
We can find the boneless, skinless chicken breast wherever we look. Television programming is essentially six or maybe 8 ideas constantly recycled. Sometimes they do not even bother to hide the fact that the meat is the same, it’s just a slightly different sauce day after day. How many ‘different’ versions of CSI are there? Law and Order? America’s Next Top…Model, Chef, Apprentice, Fashion Designer, D-Bag? We carry the chicken breast to the movies with us. We do not want or need new movies, just offer us uniformity in the form of remakes. Remake the movies, tv shows, cartoons of our youth. Neatly repackage our nostalgia, we’ll eat it up like so much processed cheese sauce.
Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Friendster, Orkut….Chicken Caeser Salad, Fettucini Alfredo with Grilled Chicken, Chicken Fingers, Grilled Chicken Sandwich, Margharita Chicken, Fried Chicken.
We are what we eat.