So the other night I’m walking my dogs and on the other side of the block is an old lady. I groan a little on the inside. It’s been noted here that perhaps my dogs are a little, say, energetic, and this is why I prefer to walk them at around midnight when there is no one around.
I’m also groaning because (as has been noted here) I am still recovering from hand surgery and I stupidly decided to take both dogs with me on the walk because i was feeling lazy, even though my right hand still has a tendency to let go of things like leash handles.
So, yeah, little old lady up ahead, the dogs are excited. She’s looking at me with some intense but perplexing emotion on her face. Is she mad at me? did she poop her pants? Is she one of Teddy Roosevelt’s scorned lovers?? I approach.
“mumble mumble mumble…poop?”
Oh my god! She pooped her pants and she wants me to help her! oh fuck, me and my unruly army of jackasses have been chosen by god to serve the elderly on some bizarre poop related crisis. I don’t even know how to help an old lady who pooped her pants. I decide to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe I misheard her, maybe she didn’t say anything about poop. Maybe she said something about ‘scoop’ as in ‘I know you love ice cream, let’s go get a scoop’. It’s a long shot but I look at her and say, “excuse me?”
“Are you going to pick up your dog’s poop?!”
Well, this was certainly unexpected. What is she asking me? Of course I pick up my dog’s poop, i’m holding a bag of it! I show her the bag, “I always pick up after my dogs”, smile smile smile!
Wait, why am I talking to someone about poop? I don’t know this person. When I don;t know someone I want to talk about things with a neutral odor like the weather or the moon. You know, things that don;t smell like fecal matter.
um…now she’s really looking angry. What’s going on. She points to the ground and says, “pick up your dog’s poop!!!”. I follow her finger to the ground. poop? there’s just a piece of a branch on the ground, it’s not poop. It’s poop shaped and poop colored and…oh! Yeah. Crazy old lady.
I’m standing on the sidewalk with two jackass dogs and a crazy lady blaming the vagaries of tree construction on my dogs’ anuses. I don’t even know what to do! How do I explain that this is only a tree branch and even if it was poop (which it most certainly is not unless that dog in question has some seriouss dietary issues) it could not have come from my dogs as we had just come upon this spot and my dogs’ buttholes are not equipped with Star Trek style beam up technology (as far as I know).
I look at her. I look at the poop branch. I consider my options.
I pull a bag from my pocket, use it to pick up the stick and thank her for reminding me to pick it up. We head on our merry way.
Sometimes the crazy people have to think they are winning. It’s the only way to keep the earth spinning.
Category Archives: Doogles
Just How Evil
I woke up Wednesday morning with my grumblepots face on, disappointed that all the planning that went into my world domination scheme was lost. I was so down. How come Satan never showed up? Why had the prophecy not come true? Why did I have absolutely no clean clothes to wear?
David cheered me up by pointing out that an army of winged demons was probably more trouble than it was worth. They’re just a bunch of assholes and they don’t really follow directions all that well and they probably have really high vet bills. What I don;t need in my life right now are stubborn assholes with high vet bills, I have enough of that as it is.
Someone else pointed out that you’d have to be pretty damned evil to have satan skip out on an appointment with you. That made me feel better too. I’m so badass that I get the best birthday AND satan is scared of me. Go me!
Speaking of high vet bills…
Maddie is getting better (yet again). Her kidneys and her liver are functioning as they should be, she does not hav parasites and she shows no sign of infection. SO she’s either allergic to her food or the 5 weeks of antibiotics killed all the bacteria in her belly making it hard to digest food. We have her on a half mushy, half crunchy diet. She seems to be eating it and it seems to be coming out in a manner pleasing to those in the know.
You know?
Birthday party fun being planned for this weekend. I’m staying out of the planning (except to bug people to rsvp). I’m leaving the planning to David and my sister. I’m tired of planning parties, i want someone to plan the party instead!
And the obligatory food bit for Auntie Sue:
Made sweet corn and butternut squash enchiladas last night. The filling was spiced with deep, rich low tones, cinnamon, oregano, ancho chiles, raisins, cardamom, cumin and coriander. The sauce was tomatoes, tomatillos and cilantro. I left that as a bright, high note affair seasoning it with salt, lime juice, sanaam peppers and a touch of cumin. As I was assembling the dish I thought the sauce might be too watery, but it ended up being just right. The bright flavor of the sauce interplayed with the hominess of the filling. Will I make them again? hell yeah!
Flat skinny round
Maddie is not longer vomiting all over the floor or shitting blood everywhere but she’s still not eating her regular food, only soft stuff. She’s lost so much weight. I may have to take her back to the vet. I’m so worried about her. She’s so thin it’s painful to look at her. David suggested having her teeth looked at, maybe she has a sore tooth and that’s keeping her from eating.
I bought a lot of soft food today and will make another meat and rice stew, this time with a blade roast I have in the freezer.
This morning we went to one of Pablo’s cereal parties where I ate two bowls of chocolate peanut butter cap’n crunch with whole milk. All that sugar and fat made me sick.
I made up for it though, I made a spinach/sweet potato/chick pea korma with mock duck, a veggie masala with spaghetti squash, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, green beans and tomatoes. I also made garlic/onion naan for david and potato/pea naan for myself. So healthy I could have died!
Of course I chased it down with a cocktail made of tangerine orange juice and my grandfather’s homemade cherry cordial.
So essentially, it was a day of food. Either Maddie’s food and wondering what food will make it better, or my food and wondering if I can’t just spend every hour of every day cooking for people.
aaaaaw
The saddest thing about going back to work is that Maddie will be alone. She’s been so happy these two weeks, getting to spend her days cuddled up next to me with a look on her face that says “I love you so much that if if I could express my devotion in a number that number would be ‘elephant’ and I would multiply that number by ‘corn’!!”
She’s not the brightest dog in the world and she has no clear concept of numbers, but I knew what she was trying to say.
Nudities
What do ou do when it’s over 90 degrees out, your central air is broken and it’s 89 degrees inside? spend the day flopped out with your nudities on.
all day, nudity!!!!! Try it.
Also, maddie is getting better and that relieves me to no end. I’m still worried and watching her but it seems that things have started working for her.
The saddest thing about maddie being sick is that she gets special canned food from the vet. the dogs don’t get canned food regularly, it’s a treat and poor ghengis desperately wants some of this treat!
I think the hard part will be migrating her back to crunchy food. the cruchy food dish is out and always full and she is perpetually disinterested. She’d not dumb, she wants her mushy food.