Category Archives: Doogles

Justification is so creamy good

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This is why I deserve ice cream:

  • Woke up and the bladder infection was still there. I do not need to go into details.
  • Took the dogs out, walked into the vestibule, grabbed the doorknob, remembered that David told me the door knob is locked.
    1. the door knob was locked.
    2. the door knob doesn’t get locked because Maddie chewed the lock knob and it doesn’t work. Maddie must have chewed the door knob again and managed to lock the door.
    3. I was only wearing my robe. Nothing else, no underpants or socks or dignity, just a fluffy light green robe
    4. It was my winter robe, the summer robe having been tossed in the wash. The winter robe is very very fluffy and warm. The vestibule was very very stuffy and warm
    5. I was stuck in a very small space with 2 ass dogs, a spider and sweat dribbling into my asscrack
    6. As you would expect, you cannot just turn a doorknob really hard and make the lock disengage. You might think that if you are very hot and your dogs are bugging you and your buttcheeks are damp you might deserve to enter your own home. Doorknob locks do not have a sense of justice.
    7. The dogs were very upset by this change in routine. Why did we get halfway through the ‘going in’ only to stop moments before victory?
    8. my duplex neighbor finally came home and she let me in the back door.
  • The dude at the clinic could not break a twenty to give me change for my copay. I ended up having to pay part of it with quarters
  • most people urinate in a stream. My urethra works like an impact sprinkler. I hate giving pee samples.
  • I’ve lost 10 pounds since my physical. It’s probably cancer.
  • A metric dickhole cut me off in the gas station parking lot almost hitting my car. I clearly had the right of way, but he clearly had the larger sense of entitlement and the smaller dick.
  • the dogs jump on me a lot when I don’t feel good.

Other reasons why I deserve ice cream:

  • I lost 10 pounds since my physical! awesome!
  • My pink felted fair isle purse worked beautifully. I don’t know whether to keep it for me or give it away for a christmas gift. I love the purse! I designed the purse! I am happy with it! It would make a great gift. If I keep it, then it’s great advertising. I just don’t know!
  • The self striping sock yarn I bought is striping up very nicely on the scarf I am making. I love the scarf, I may keep it or give it away. I hate these dilemmas.
  • I finally learned how to spell ‘dilemma’. For some incredible reason completely unknown to me, I always spelled it ‘dilemna’. Why on earth would I do that?
  • My antibiotics are giant and scary and they only cost me $3.71! that’s awesome!

Dear Chester

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If you don’t freak out and bark bark bark at the little kids playing outside you won’t get a raging case of ‘freakout hiccups’. Cause and effect, little dude. think about it.

International Vet of Mystery?

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Or International Vet of Fucking Awesome!
A couple months ago I took Maddie in to see the IVoM and we came up with Maddie’s long term plan. David and I worked vigilantly on her feet and her meds and she very very quickly improved.
We know that she cannot take less than 1 prednisone a day. Each time we tried to ease it back her feet would become inflamed and uncomfortable. I am concerned about the long term effects, but I understand and accept them.
When Maddie’s feet were at their worst we could not let her off her leash at the dog park. She was always picking fights with bigger dogs, she was always cranky. Eventually we stopped taking her altogether. The pain and discomfort in her feet was making her cranky and irritable. You’d be pissed if your feet hurt all the time too and you had to way of getting relief.
As her feet got better we started taking her more and more often and we let her off the leash. Amazingly, she was not the aggressive dog she had been. This is not to say she didn’t have her moments there, like the time she totally stared down this giant akita until he submitted. In the dog world, a stare down is pretty much a dog’s way of saying “you are such a stupid pussy! you suck and you are a wiener and also I will say something crude about your mother dog!” (dogs are not so eloquent, even in translation). Also, akitas are not dogs that submit. Imagine me rushing over trying to grab Maddie before she got her ass kicked.
Initially, Maddie’s forays into the dog park pretty much just involved her franticly sniffing and drooling and peeing on everything. She wasn’t really interested in the dogs unless they chased chester or barked too much. She’s become more and more interested as time has gone on.
Today I could have died of happy. Maddie was thrilled to be at the dog park. Today she played with dogs, she ran like a maniac, she spun in circles, she and I jumped around like retards. She’s still not the best at playing, occasionally she’ll be chasing a dog and forget that she’s playing and think “oh my god! I’m chasing this dog! I bet I’m doing it because he’s a pipehole” and try to take him down. But it was good. The dogs played, she was happy.
I wish I had the words to describe her transformation from a crabby dog, one that mostly just walked around the dog park, into this excited and youthful dog. I wish I had the words to express what it means to me that we have found a level of success with Maddie. I’ve had her since 2005 and my only hope for her was to make her happy and comfortable and we far exceeded that.
I wish I had the words to adequately express just how grateful I am to Dr Pierce Fleming, International Vet of Mystery. He didn’t just walk into the exam room, take a look and make a guess. He did research, he tried to find answers. He took time to listen to me and my concerns. He explained things thoroughly and he gave me hope.
Shar Peis tend to bond with one person and that bond is solid and tight. They will protect that person at all costs, they will adore that person at all costs. The things that make Maddie the happiest include me coming home from work, getting to cuddle next to me on the sofa and sleeping near me. She is not an independent dog in any way, she needs me in order to feel secure and content. Sure, she’s happy when David gets home from work, but she is frenzied when I get home. For that love and loyalty she deserves everything I can give her. To do any less would be a grave sin against all that is good in the universe.
And let’s be honest here, I get equal comfort from her. When I am stressed or anxious I need only sit quietly and Maddie will crawl onto my lap and I can feel the tension ease, I can feel the endorphins being released. She is my therapy dog.



Maddie shoving her hippo head into my chest. It’s her way of saying, “My name is Maddie. This is my head. My head is on you. This feels good. Also, my name is Maddie!”

BWCA Day 3

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Wolves in the distance woke me and I lay there listening. Up before the sun, peed by a log. Basic camping stuff.
David and I went down to the rock at the water to take in the sites and appreciate what ‘was’. The nice thing about having an entire lake to yourself is that you can go around in your underpants and offend no one! Well, no one but the beavers, but they’re dicks anyway.


Chester tried to do his best Sean Penn impression but failed.

We relaxed with our feet in the water, the sun still hidden behind us. We were protected by the rocks and the trees. As the sun came around I could tell it had chosen me as its special victim (because, you know, the sun has it out for me). I scooted into the shade and pulled a towel over me. I even commented that perhaps at this age I should be more responsible about my skin and avoid getting burnt. Yeah, remember the time I went to Key West and got burnt so bad my skin was purple and it radiated heat for days? Yeah, I need to stop doing that.
David slathered me in spf 8000 and we decided this would be a quiet day. As I mentioned in a previous post, my goal was to find equilibrium, to make peace with myself. Today was the day. I grabbed my book, some crossword puzzles (even junkies need a fix in the wild) and my trail mix and headed out to a shaded rock that overlooked the lake.

David was busy collecting and boiling water so Chester decided that he’s get way more passing out done near me. As the sun moved, so did I. I was determined to stay away. Screw you, sun!
Between crossword puzzles and chapters in my book I spent a lot of time thinking. Contemplating. The results are in the post previous to this.
It really was one of those days where you sit very still and allow yourself to stop projecting and start accepting what is around you. (Stop Projecting! Start Accepting! I’m totally going to write a self help book and act like a dick and be a darling of daytime talk show hosts! Better watch it Dr Phil, I’m gonna knock your ass into a spin.). Of course while I was sitting and navel gazing, David was taking the canoe out and actually doing camp related survival chores like removing Giardia lamblia from our drinking water.

Speaking of water, I am stupid! When we g camping we bring a certain amount of water with us, but it’s not intended to last the trip. At 8 pounds a gallon, you’re really not going to bring all the drinking water you need with you. You will have to collect and filter or boil the water. Getting the water from the middle of the lake allows you to have water without so many floaty bits in it. As I was watching our ‘city’ water supplies dwindle I automatically went into reserve mode. I wanted to make it last. i knew in my head that we would be boiling some soon, but I was responding to the visual. I stopped drinking water and when I did drink some it was only a small amount. On day 2 I only peed twice and the second time was right before we went to bed and I had to think of waterfalls and Dr Phil to make it happen. Lack of pee in this very hot weather with all this exercise means lack of hydration.
The headache started on day 3. Along with the contemplating and sun fear, I was also battling a headache from dehydration…in the wilderness…with no Alleve. I told David and he made me drink a lot of water and kept on me, but the headache just had to run its course. I seriously considered trying to find a willow tree and boiling its bark because I read somewhere that aspirin came from the bark of willow trees and even though there are no willow trees there…I was going to try. No I wasn’t.
To make myself feel better, I laughed at the dog.


My dog looks like a pig when he sleeps


Also, he has actual buttcheeks. My dog has buttcheeks! If my dog could dial a phone he’d totally be calling for help since I’m always pinching his little doggie buttcheeks.


fuzzy dude on the tent


I think he wants to kill me.

By mid afternoon I knew I had lost my battle. Sunscreen, shade, sacrificed squirrels, it didn’t matter, my back and shoulders were burnt all to hell. They hurt and I was not feeling very happy about this. Fucking sun! I’m going to get in a spacemobile and fly to you and punch you right in the photosphere!
We ate rehydrated food and campfire baked potatoes and some MREs and we split a bottle of wine while watching the sun go down. I felt better after that.
Hanging the food in the tree was harder for some reason and I got stabbed by an angry tree. There was cloud cover so we could not watch the stars.


Look! I have iMovie and I like the fade out-fade in transitions!

BWCA…

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I’ll get back to posting pictures and amusing anecdotes about wilderness poop soon.
I went to the BWCA with a mission. I had to find a way to make peace with myself and the universe. To find a way to reconcile a universe that would kill my dog and reconcile with my own self over the ‘betrayal’ of my brain.
1. everything that we are, every element, every atom, every molecule is found throughout the universe. there is nothing here on earth that cannot be reproduced with raw materials anywhere else in the universe. If this is the case then what are we but the universe. and what was ghengis but the universe. the suv that hit him, his blood, the tears, the grief, the ashes, all of it is part of the universe. My anger? universe. all of it.
I went to the seclusion and quiet of the BWCA to try to make peace with the universe. To find a way to forgive the universe for kicking me in the gut. I was tired of being angry. I wanted an apology. From the universe.
I spent time contemplating. I spent time alone thinking. I was still. I was active. I waited for the sign. Because I’m like that. That’s right, bitches, the universe is going to give ME an apology! me! not you.
And what conclusion did I come to? What information did I take in when I relaxed and let it in? I went back. I went back to the time before Ghengis died. I went back to the understanding that the universe is without intent. That a great deal of my anger in grief was conceited. It was centered on myself. It was saying “fuck you, universe! how dare you kill my dog!”. The universe didn’t kill my dog. I mean it did, my dog died, but the universe did not kill ghengis because he was my dog. The universe just juggernauts forward. Anger, while completely natural in grief is misplaced.
Anger is a response that says “you wronged me! I am wronged!”
I was not wronged. I am part of this amoral universe. this unplanned, uncontrolled whirling fantasia. in 14 billion years stars come and go, planets form and get destroyed, life starts, stops and starts over. The idea of “fair” is a construct. There is no “fair” or “unfair”. Having you dog die isn’t about “fair” it just is. To say I was “wronged” is to say that I am somehow important enough to be noticed and plotted against. To say it is “unfair” is to say that I should be exempt from the vagaries of life.
To distill this down…Shit happens, but it doesn’t happen TO me. It happens and sometimes it affects me.
2. Depression is a pain in the ass. Going to see the psychiatrist every few weeks, tweaking your prescriptions, taking pills that make you tremble or sleep or not sleep or poop nuggets…it’s all a pain. Sometimes I feel betrayed by my brain, by the chemistry and the circuitry in there. Why can’t I just have a brain that creates the normal chemicals, why can’t I just ‘suck it up’ and feel okay?
Why?
There is no ‘why’. To ask ‘why’ in the metaphysical sense “why can’t I have what other people have? why can’t my brain be normal?” is to assume that you’ve been selected personally to be insulted.
I have not been personally selected for a miswired brain. Oh sure, we can point to incidents during development, but again that leads you to a question that should not be asked.
Again, in short…shit happens. asking ‘why’ just keeps you sitting in idle. I have stopped asking ‘why’ or rattling on about ‘fair’. It is neither fair or unfair, just a fact. To move forward you have to get out of idle and turn on your blinker.
I accept what there is. I cannot fight it, only work with it.
I did not get the answers I expected when I was up there, but I did find the answers that I knew all along.