Monthly Archives: August 2009

Ask Auntie BubboPants

By

First published August 10 2009, TWiR on Ravelry.com.
It’s been a whirlwind of nuttiness at Casa De Pants! We found a house we loved! Happy! Put in a bid and got outbid. Sad! But then that sale fell through so we resubmitted our bid and they accepted! Happy! But we have to wait for the inspection to be complete before we move forward! Neutral!
And we leave Sunday for a week at Madeline Island, WI. A beautiful week of outdoorsy activities with David’s family culminating in David’s sister’s wedding ceremony. It will be a great time I just wish everything wasn’t happening right this moment!
I am sitting on the bed writing this, Maddie is sitting behind me looking out the window at world and leaning against me. Every once in a while she turns her head and puts her giant hippo muzzle on my shoulder and sighs. Chester is the more outgoing of the two dogs so you guys don’t hear too much about Maddie. She is my very awesome sweet hippohead.

***

One more thing before we get started with this week’s column. I’d like to add a couple thoughts about the last column, something I missed the first time around when I was re-ordering the outline before I wrote it out (see! It’s not as slap-dash as you might think! I actually put a little effort into it and scribble out outlines and things!)
On the subject of depression and the reasons one might or might not have for experiencing it:
As a society we often mistake the emotion ‘sadness’ with the mental state ‘depressed’, we even use them interchangeably. Sadness is an emotion, it is a reaction to stimulus. Sadness can be a symptom of depression, but it does not have to be. Depression is a state of mental being, it is more physical than emotional but it often expresses itself emotionally. To be more precise, the outward expressions of depression tend to be more emotional than physical. This makes it far too easy to equate depression with emotions and forget the very real physical changes that lie behind the situation.
It’s easy to look at a person who lost something dear to them and say “it makes sense that they are sad”. It’s much harder to look at a person, see the wild vagaries of hormonal imbalances hidden away inside and say, “it makes sense that you are depressed”. Instead we see the outward manifestation of emotions, sadness, hopelessness, anger, and we say “this makes no sense! you have no reason to be sad! or hopeless! or angry! Go put your pants on and get outside! Suck it up, chica!”
We are visual creatures, we need to see things in order to understand them, but more importantly, we are experiential creatures. We learn by experience and then we create rich and varied databases of information and understanding based on our experiences. We also have amazingly advanced frontal lobes on our brains that allow us to simulate situations based on input AND our experience related databases. What the hell does that mean? It means that we can look at someone who is sad and pull in all the data about their situation and then pull in data from similar experiences we have had and run simulations to better understand what’s going on.
Claire is sad. I will look at Claire and talk to her and determine that she is sad, her boyfriend did not like the pie she made! I will pull that data in and then I will add my own experiences: I have also made things people did not like. I have also been sad. I have direct connections in my own experiences between being sad and people not liking things that I have offered.
Result: Claire’s sadness makes sense to me. I can relate.
or
Jim is hopeless. Jim just got a new car and has a nice butt. I have felt hopeless. I have also gotten a new car, but I’ve never really had a nice butt. I have never felt hopeless after getting a new car. If I run a simulation of me having a nice butt I cannot come to the conclusion that I would feel hopeless.
Result: Jim’s hopelessness does not make sense to me. I cannot relate.
The flaw in the simulation is that we do not take into account the relevant factors. We’re feeding the wrong data into the brain simulators and therefore the results can only be incomplete at best.
History and literature and anecdotes are FILLED with stories of those people struck hard by fate who just ‘kept going’ despite it all. Bad parents, industrial accidents, malevolent societies, none of that could bring the hero down. On the other hand, there are an equal number of historical and literary figures that seemed to “have it all” and yet still could not find comfort or happiness.
To make matters worse, many societies see this sort of disparity as a form of moral failure. If you have been ‘blessed’ with such favor and still you are sad it can only mean you do not fully appreciate it and are ungrateful.
Clinical depression is one of those things that even the experts don’t have a firm grasp on. It’s slippery and confusing and amazingly inconsistent from person to person. It can stem from experiences or childhood traumas or not. Some people are helped by talk therapy, others by SSRIs, and some people struggle for years and never find solace.
I write all this because it is an issue that cuts close to the bone with me. I have an amazingly excellent life. I have a boyfriend that loves me and is patient and kind to me. I have a wonderful, loving and supportive family. I have two great dogs, one of which contributes to this very column. I am blessed with wonderful friends, people say I am smart and funny and I like to think that is true. On the other hand, the biological family I grew up in until I was an early teen was terrifying and unbearable. I carry the scars both physically and emotionally from that. I have struggled my entire life with depression, at times it has been crippling. Some people have said, “well, it makes sense that you would be depressed considering your childhood” and other have said, “but that’s over and done. You need to focus on the now and stop wallowing”
The answer is somewhere between those two statements and it exists independent of them as well.
And I have said many words here and we still have not gotten to the column. Hopefully I have shared some insight on the topic of depression, so let’s get on with other things.

***

Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I’m a kid. I’ll admit it. It’s actually a pretty fun time, all truth be told. Thing is, recently, I turned into a Teenager. I’m capitalizing that for both emphasis and the fact that I’ve suddenly turned into what is common among Teenagers. I turned 17, and then bam! I’m a Teenager! Hormones that are unexplainable, and a sudden realization of how attractive boys are, how I still haven’t been kissed despite being 17, and then…
I realize that even though people think I’m pretty/gorgeous/lovely/whatever other adjectives, boys aren’t interested.
I don’t get it! I don’t know if it’s all the hormones speaking or what, but I just have to wonder what’s up with that? It’s not because I’m unattractive in general figure (on the normal side, weighing in between 135 and 140 usually, with a bra size that Victoria’s Secret would tell me is made up because that cup size doesn’t exist, especially in conjunction with the band size) or in mind (I’m actually rather smart, and pick up on things I don’t know about generally quickly) or in personality (I’m silly, fun, friendly, and personable, although I can be a bit blunt and unintentionally obnoxious, not to mention tactless; also, if I don’t like someone, they generally can tell, because I can sometimes be a jerk)… I don’t quite understand.
This, coupled with some self-confidence issues (I’m weird about my weight), sometimes gets me down… I don’t get it.
Is there a way to either fix the being a Teenager, the boys issue, or the self-confidence? I mean, even fixing one would probably help a lot.
Thank you, Auntie!
Sincerely,
Teenaged and Confused
Dear TaC,
Being a teenager sucks. Really, it does. You’re growing and hormoning and your logic changes every day and boys don’t make a lick of sense and one day you feel pretty and the next day you feel like Queen Crap of Craplandia!
Sucks.
Here’s the thing, it’s supposed to. I know it’s not the answer you want. There are a ton of physical changes that happen during your teen years. All this growing and whatnot, much of it related to sudden surges and drops in various hormones.
A lot of people blow off the whole ‘teen experience’ but in fact it’s an amazingly important part of forming your adult personality. It’s not fun or easy, but development rarely is.
The job of any immature (as in not fully adult) animal is to imitate the adults. It’s how we learn to talk or vacuum or maintain long term relationships. As a teen you are expected to come into full maturity and “start acting like an adult”, and you try. You really try hard and it sucks. Why does it suck? For a really simple physical reason, it’s just not time yet.
I had a little puppy, got him at 11 weeks old. One of the fun things was to watch him grow. He never grew in a sort of all over equal manner. He’d have spurts, one week it was his legs, the next week it was his head. My favorite time was when his head had an obvious growth spurt but his ears hadn’t so he suddenly had this big old head with ears that stuck out all funny because they suddenly didn’t fit right. Later his ears grew and flopped over again.
You’re doing the same thing. Growing in weird fits and starts, both outwardly and inwardly physical growth. The ability to act on finer emotional subtlety, both recognizing it and acting within it does not become fully developed until we reach our twenties (usually about 20-22 for females and 21-24 for males). You are told to emulate adults and you want to emulate adults but nothing makes a goddammed bit of sense some days! Boys are not acting the way they should based on all the data you’ve received your whole life! All signs point to you being intelligent and fun and physically attractive and yet there you are with waning self confidence! No one understands you, some days you overreact or get crabby or jerky or whatever and there’s no reason to act like that!
It’s normal and natural and it sucks but you definitely do not want to change it. I promise you that in a few years suddenly there will be a burst of clarity. It will not (let me repeat that “IT WILL NOT”) fix everything or suddenly explain away all the weirdness, but it will give you a lot of insight. This burst of clarity happens when those finer emotional function centers of your brain wake up. You’ll be sitting there one day remembering some really frustrating moment from your teen years and think “what the hell was my problem?” and BOOM! there it is! Clarity.
So why is it so important that you experience all this stupid frustration with these other stupidly frustrated teenagers? How else are you going to learn to solve complex problems with limited resources? Think about newborns. They can’t talk, they cannot tell their caretakers what it is that they need. All they can do is scream and all the adults can do is guess. Mostly adults get to figuring things out pretty quickly, mostly babies need food and diapers and burping, but there is always a moment of severe frustration for the infant because all they know is that there is a need not being met. Many child development scientists have come to learn that these moments of screaming frustration are not bad things at all! Without them, babies would not be forced to learn all kinds of things like communication or identifying needs or any one of the millions of developmental milestones that babies reach. Frustration and disappointment are not things to be wiped out but to be experienced. Automatically knowing how to ride a bike without ever falling off and scraping your knees robs you of very important lessons regarding balance, physical self protection, overcoming frustration with focused determination.
I am 36 years old, I remember very clearly being a teenager. It sucked. Even knowing what I know now I wouldn’t go back. Ever. I would rather deal with mortgages, car payments, greying hair, sore joints or whatever than have to go back to that time of no self confidence, confusion and perplexing expectations.

***

Dear Auntie BubboPants
I have a boyfriend, who is absolutely lovely, goodlooking, funny, smart, sweet, etc. I know he’s not perfect, I’m not blind to his faults, ie he can be whiny and clingy, but I prefer him that way. However, there’s one big problem (isn’t there always?)
We live in different countries.
Yep, 1 time zone, 5 hours driving, 2 hours by train, 1 hour flying. We went on a youth trip for 1 month together this summer, spent pretty much 24/7 together, and ended up kissing underneath the stars in the middle of a desert. We spent the rest of the trip together, ups, downs, the whole shebang, and we had already decided to end it when we went home. Then we decided to spend the one day I had in the same country as him (when we got home) together, on our 1st and last date. The last night of our trip I suggested to him trying long-distance, because I come to his country about once a month, and email, phones, blah blah blah. However he said no, but on our date after the trip, it worked so well that we’ve decided to stay together until the 29th of August, when we see each other again.
Now, I know I like him enough to try a long-distance, and I’m fairly sure he likes me enough too, but I go into my senior year this fall, and he goes into his junior year (fyi we’re the same age, I’m just ahead a year). I will have sooooo much work, applying for colleges, exams, etc, and I know if we break up, I definitely won’t get a new boyfriend/love interest, but he might.
I really don’t want to end this relationship, but I can’t push him into one, especially if I have to stake my future career/life on it as well!
But I like him soooo much! ARGH!
Thanks,
Confused, Upset, and Wishing He was Here

Dear CUaWHwH,
I have a dress in my closet, a very nice and simple black satin number. It’s a dress I wore once and really enjoyed, but it no longer fits me. I’ve kept it for years knowing that I can’t wear it and the dream of ever getting down to that size again is just that…a dream. But I keep it because I really really like it and I like holding on to the dream of one day getting to wear it again.
I own other dresses. Ones that fit me and that I have worn multiple times. It is not necessary for me to keep that first black dress but I do because I like it. I could donate it and someone else could wear it and find as much happiness in it as I did. In fact, maybe that’s what I should do. It’s selfish to hold on to something I don’t need and am not using just because I want to hope that maybe I will be able to use it. The dress is not a dress just hanging in my closet, the dress is really only a dress when it is out being worn. I need to let that dress go out and find someone who fits it.
Do you see what I am getting at? You like him, he’s really awesome and you had some great times together but things just aren’t fitting together right now. The urge to package him up and put him in storage until you can fit together is probably a pretty strong urge. It’s a really understandable urge. But it’s not a very fair urge. This is one of those sucky teenage moments. You want something, you understand that you can’t have it right now, but you can see that there would be a time that having it would be great so you want to save it. But you can’t and that means you will lose this awesome thing, this boy that makes you so happy.
Let him go. It will hurt and you will be sad but that’s good. Learn from this, learn that sometimes even the best things don’t work out because of factors out of your control.
***
Ahoy Auntie BubboPants,
So, here’s the situation: I work at a retail store, along with several other people (as you may imagine), one of whom is an older man with whom I was already friends before I started working at the store. So when I started working on the same shift he did, naturally we would hang out, being friends. Recently, though, people started making jokes to me about how I was dating this man – which normally wouldn’t bother me, but someone eventually pointed out to me (since I didn’t notice myself) that the guy really had a thing for me and was trying to woo me, basically.
So, a few things here: First and foremost, outside of mostly superficial friendship, this guy and I have very little in common. We disagree on politics, religion, social issues, video games, etc, we just get along when we aren’t discussing those things. Secondly, he was twenty-three years old when I was born, and that’s kind of a squicker for me. Thirdly, I just plain have no interest in the guy, and I find it pretty irritating that I’m the last person to know that he wants to go out with me (he’s been telling other people, but he’s never actually asked me out, which seems pretty counterintuitive to his end goal!)
Anyway, so the problem I’m having here is that I want to make it clear to the guy that this is never going to happen, but I never see him outside of work and this isn’t a conversation that is appropriate to be having while at work. I’ve been giving him the cold shoulder for a couple of weeks while trying to figure it out, but he still flirts with me when I walk by (and I ignore him), so this obviously isn’t working.

Dear Non-Signing ChickenButt,
Flip the situation around and then ponder it.
You work with somebody you knew from outside of work. He’s smart and funny and you really seem to get along. Sure you have some differences, but who doesn’t? You just think he’s the bee’s knees regardless of the differences. The thing is, you’re way too shy to say anything. He’s just so smart and awesome and fun and the thought of being rejected is just too much! You’ve talked to some other coworkers and they seemed rather supportive, they also think this guy is pretty awesome and that you would have fun dating him. What to do??
So, now ask yourself, what would be the most ideal way to have him let you down? What would you want him to say to you? If you never brought it up to him, would you want him to bring it up to you? What could this awesome guy do to alleviate the extreme embarrassment that would come with letting you know that he “thinks you’re a nice girl and all but…”
I’m afraid I don’t have an easy answer for your dilemma. No one wants to feel pain or embarrassment and very very few feel good about causing it in other people. Put yourself in his shoes, I mean really in his shoes. Don’t say, “well, if I were that age or whatever I’d know better!” but look at the situation the way he sees the situation, not the way you think you would see it. He sees you as a smart, attractive lady with whom he gets along. He knows there are differences, but that doesn’t quell the attraction, it makes it all the more intriguing. Be him and see the world as he does. Then step back and contemplate how you would like to be treated in similar circumstances. Sometimes we cannot avoid hurting other people, but we can put forth the effort alleviate as much hurt as possible by showing true empathy and understanding.

***

That’s what I got my chickenbutts! I have to go switch laundry so I can pack and there’s an eggplant in the fridge that has to be used today before we go! hmmmmmm must eat eggplant!

copyright 2009 heather ward/bubbodesigns

Dear Auntie BubboPants

By

First published August 10 2009, TWiR on Ravelry.com.
whoa my god! So! After the house thing fell through last summer we decided to wait until this summer. We’ve spent the last few weeks with a realtor looking at this place and that place, mouths agape in wonder at what people consider to be “sellable condition”.
Anyway, on Saturday we found a cozy little place on a surprisingly giant lot, all tree covered and backs up to a park and all that. We put in an offer and are waiting to hear back.
And so I’ve been bumbling around the house making brownies and crocheting and harassing the dogs and waiting to hear back and….I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO WRITE THE COLUMN!!!!!
oops!
So this is me, running late!

***

Dear Auntie BubboPants!
I always love reading your advice columns. I appreciate your no-B.S. yet humorous approach. After reading today’s letter, I wanted to get your advice:
Should I make peanut butter cookies or not make cookies?
Based solely on your response to the July 27 saga, I am confident you can knock this one out of the park!
Signed,
Hand In The Empty Cookie Jar
Dear HITECJ,
Yes, YES! for the love of all that is good, YES!!! Make those cookies! I love peanut butter cookies, they are the best of all cookies ever invented. It is rumored that Alexander the Great won his empire not from fighting skills or diplomacy but from handing out delicious, chewy peanut butter cookies. Conversely, Ted Nathan Opoklot of Wichita Kansas once tried to build a fence two inches into his neighbor’s property and was promptly punched in the snout and sent home with a detailed plat drawing stuffed into the back of his pants. Mrs Gladys Humpwaffle seemed to be of the opinion that a plate of peanut butter cookies could have prevented the more violent moments of the altercation but Mr Opoklot was “in no mood for that mumu covered busybody” and thought that perhaps she should “pay more attention to that lumpy blot of a husband!”
I guess what I am saying is that you should make these cookies. Also you should share these cookies.

***

Dear Auntie BubboPants!
I’ve only been reading your column for a few weeks but I’m pretty sure it’ll be good to hear what you have to say. I also think that I’m really just looking for reassurance and I already know the answer, or at least the steps I should take to find the answer…
Here is the thing: I can’t see the point in living (sorry to get so heavy so early on!) By this I don’t mean I am miserable, depressed or I think about suicide regularly. It’s more that I can just find a negative in everything in life, basically I have over analysed myself into a point where it just seems like it would a bit of a relief if a bus hit me this afternoon!
I know I have a great life, all told. I have a lovely boyfriend, amazing family and friends, I live in a great city and I am an intelligent, interesting and extremely capable person. The problem is deciding what I want to do with my life, both in big terms (I have some important decisions to make right now) and small ones, like what to do with my spare time – I have many, many interests and facets of my personality and I find it impossible to know what to invest energy in. I find myself trying to weigh up how ‘worthwhile’ activities are in terms of the big picture of my life, and this can include just going over to see friends!
Over analysis leads to me feeling cynical about every possible activity or life choice one could take. I literally can’t see the point of life. I try and tell myself that life should just be about making yourself happy – but how selfish is that? and what’s the actual point considering we’re all just going to die soon anyway (this is extent of my cynicism, y’see!). Then I think that maybe life should be about helping people but this thought just overwhelms me as I think about all the millions of people that need help and, again, what’s the point because whatever you do will never be enough…?!
It’s even got to the point where I feel cynical about love and about sex. I’m starting to think that love is just ultimately selfish (you’re with someone really because they make you happy or perhaps you both happy, but that is still just a selfish motive). Over analysing sex (which I used to love) has made me think of it as this mechanical, physical action that, unless you are trying for a baby, is ultimately pointless.
That last point touched on the one thing that has given me some hope of late. I feel like, perhaps, having a child could be the one thing that could give me some real purpose in life. Once you have a child their survival and happiness gives you that all important, unquestionable thing to focus on. Although I’ve thought about kids for a while I know my boyfriend and I are not ready and, most importantly, feeling cynical is the absolute wrong reason to have a child.
I think maybe I should get some therapy but I’ve had it in the past for more specific mental health problems and it’s never really worked. The fact that I am writing to you is encouraging because I feel like I do want to stop feeling like this and find happiness again, where as a few months ago I did feel more like suicide might be an answer, without being too dramatic I think it was only the desire not to want to severely hurt my family, friends and boyfriend that stopped me doing it, so this is better!
Thanks in advance,
Really Has No Reason to be Miserable.

Dear RHBRtbM,
No, you probably don’t have any reason to be miserable but then again, maybe you do.
I’m going to try to hit this from a couple different angles, let’s see how this goes.
First off, what you are describing here in this letter is the 12pound classic text book low grade depression (or it could just be that you’re a philosophy major that got stuck on nihilism lite, but I do not think that is the case). Not big terrible suicidal depression but really just the low grade “what the hell is the point” depression. It’s common and normal and usually passes after a few weeks or a few months. If it does not pass after a few months then yes, you probably want to talk to a professional (as opposed to a lady with no pants and curious underarm odor!)
You don’t necessarily have to see a therapist full time. Maybe just a couple sessions? Maybe you go see your regular doctor and describe what’s going on and she does a little poking and prodding and says “OH! look at that!” (actually, I’m never a fan of a surprised reaction from my doctor). And maybe there is something minor and physical that is causing a hormone imbalance.
Hormones are pesky little crappers. You think they just control things like ovulation and your circadian rhythm, but oh ho no! they like to get all up in place they aren’t welcome and make you sad or twitchy or stinky or overly pink. There are all kinds of things in your body controlled by things you didn’t even know were hormones. And the little jerks all react to each other! Too much of this will cause not enough of something else and eventually you find out that a cyst on your adrenal gland is causing you to bark like a dog in the produce aisle!
Certainly, I’m not trying to make light of the situation, but just saying that often the cause of a problem isn’t immediately obvious.
So, what’s the point of it all? You’re certainly not the first person to ask that question and to be disappointed with the lack of solid answers. Often times people find the answers to this question in religion. I am not a religious person and so I am going to extract myself from any discussion of religion and the meaning of life except to say that from my observations it does really seem to help a lot of people.
What else then? Here you are struck hard with the futility of it all. Get up, shower, work, drive, eat some rotisserie chicken and salad from a bag and go to bed and get up and do it all again and why? Why??!!
I went through something similar not long ago. I’m sciency, I’ve studied evolutionary biology, I do not have any sort of faith, I do not believe in an afterlife or anything like that. So if this is it, then yes, what’s the point? There’s no gold star at the end for doing a good job, there’s no promotion or pay raise or fabulous vacation to Alpha Centauri if you find all the hidden jewels in time.
Get born, grow up, eat some rotisserie chicken, die. done. What’s the point? the goal? the mission? Where’s the reward?
Starting very very very early we are trained in cause and effect, act and reward, do this and get that. We learn that if we cry we get our diapers changed, if we learn our vocabulary words we get a gold star, if we manage to show up every day we get a paycheck and if we charm the nurses we get extra jello. Stimulus….response. This is so ingrained in how we function that it is almost impossible to imagine a system that does not on some level function like that!
But that’s the conclusion I came to. That there is no gold star, no reward or vacation or extra jello at the end. This is it. Life is some amazing quirk in the universe, unique or common, I have no idea! But here we are. Before the sperm met the egg, we were not here. After our cells disintegrate back into the earth we will not be here. Sounds like a recipe for nihilism. Except it wasn’t.
This is it. It’s very freeing to know that I have this one finite life that is mine. I can affect others in a positive way or a negative way or not at all. My choice! I can eat brownies at midnight or buy a house or move to Belize. Or not. I can focus on the here and now and not worry about “the long run”. This is not to say I intentionally act irresponsible (sort of, I mean I did have brownies and coffee for breakfast today), in fact in many ways I do act more responsibly than I might because I know that this is it and there are no second chances.
I did say earlier that I was not religious but there is something that I turn to that helps me focus. The Noble Eightfold Path is something I use to focus my thoughts and act in a more responsible manner. I don’t do it to gain points or better my chances in the afterlife. I do it because I have the choice to act in any way I want and I want to act in a way that allows me to be in the world without acting like the world surrounds Me.
What I’m saying is that in trying to answer the question “what’s the point?” you might want to investigate avenues that lead you in unexpected directions.
All in all, however, it really does sound like a case of mild depression. Your psyche just needs a good swift kick in its metaphysical ass. Go see your regular doctor first and see what he/she says and go from there. Just like problems are rarely caused by a single agent, they are also rarely solved with a single solution. Attack this from many sides, you’ll find more satisfaction that way.
Also, don’t have a baby just to give you a sense of purpose. Ask any new parent, they are constantly surprised at just HOW MUCH purpose a baby will suck out of you and how relentless they are at it. You’ll get this dealt with, then come back and we’ll talk babies.

***

Dear Chester,
Hi my name is Jack and I’m the labradork, that’s what my mommy calls me. I am a labradork and I have things that are fun like the squeaky toys and the globe ball and the things that are the cats. I love love LOVE to chase the thing that is Bryn the cat, she is so funny and looks so yummy, but the thing that is the Annie-cat, I do not love to chase her because she scares me. She hits me and it hurts because even though she doesn’t have toenails it’s loud and I don’t like it. I don’t know if I love to chase the thing that is the Clee, because she is small and orange and she doesn’t like to come downstairs.
I have two questions because my mommy says you’re a smart dog and you know stuff. So these are my two questions. My first question is, how do I get the thing that is the Clee to want to come downstairs? She doesn’t like it and she doesn’t like me and even when mommy puts me in my crate-she says “go to bed Jack” and I go because I’m a good boy and I like my crate-and brings the thing that is the Clee downstairs herself, she still doesn’t like me (not mommy, Clee) and makes her tail big and her back high up and makes the thing that is the hiss, which I hate hate HATE, I hate the hiss because Annie does that before she hits me and I go away.
Ok, this is my two question. I have the itchies. I hate hate HATE the thing that is the itches. And I know that the I am the labradork and that labradorks like me have itches a LOT, especially in this cold time that is winter in Mitch-again. But I don’t like the itchies and I know it’s not the things that are fleas because mommy puts the medicine on and I hate hate HATE it but I stay still because I am a good labradork named Jack. So how can mommy make the itchies go away?
Thank you Chester the dog, you’re a Good Dog like me, I’m Jack the Labradork.

Hi HI HI HIHIHI!! HI! Hi Jack! Jack Labradork!
HI
OH MY GOD HI!
Okay, the lady makes me stay away from the computer a lot because of the thing she said that was me and putting potato chip crumbs in the part of the letters I push. But she is a ladydork!
Do you what to know the things that I know? DO YOU?? HA HA HA yes you do! because you said the thing that was “Chester tell me the things you know!” I will do this. I will tell you the things I know. I will do this because I am CHESTER!
Okay, the first thing that I know is that the things that are cats do not like ANYTHING! this is true. I know this is true because I am Chester and that is me and I am smart and CHESTER.
Cats are the things that do not like the things that are not themselves or the special mushy food. It is a thing that is a thing that you can’t win!
But also itchies!! I get the medicines too! and they make my mouth have the stick of the medicines which is different than the thing that is the usual smell that the lady says smells like a “dead butt”. I know the thing that is that the lady loves me because a dead butt would be the best of the smells ever.
But she puts the medicine on my back so that I do not get the fleas or tinks or anything! But sometimes I get the thing that is the dry skin and that makes me SO ITCHY! scratch scratch scratch slaaaarp lick lick lick slaaaaaaaaaarp! I hate it and she hates it! BUT she does the thing that is AWESOME! If I do the thing that is itch too much then she does the thing that is feed me deliciousness! She will do a thing that is give me all the delicious fat from the roast and that is SO GOOD! or she will also give me the thing that is my dog food with tuna juice and something called ollie oil! All mixed together and I am such a GOOD BOY and I eat all of it! and Maddie is mean and she does not share any of her with me even though I got done first! Mean and not fair! She should share with me! Because I am chester and it is not my fault she is so slow!!! The lady said that if you have the thing that is dry skins then you can have the things that are delicious. Like eggs! I love eggs! Eggs are delicious!
Oh man! sometimes I should do the thing that is remember to pretend to be itchy so I can eat delicious things! but I will forgets
OH!! Do you go to the dog park???? I do! But I haven’t gone to the dog park in a many of days because there has been rain but also there has been big hotnesses on the outside and when we do the thing that is go for walks I get big hotnesses on the inside and I come back home and lay down! And the lady has been telling me the thing that she is going to buy some thing that has a ‘yard’! She says that I will love having a yard. Her dad has a ‘yard’ and I like to go to the place that is her dad’s house because I can do RUNRUNRUNRUNRUN! all over like the dog park but the only other dog is maddie and sometimes the dog that lives there and lots of time the cat is there! the cat does not like me! cats don’t like anything! But the cat’s name is Lester Big Easy and they call him Lester and that rhymes with Chester and that is the thing that I know!!!

copyright 2009 heather ward/bubbodesigns

oh, hello there

By

What’s happening here? Houses are happening here!
We’re back in the market for a house. I’ve been equating house hunting to internet dating. You get a page of stats, a few interesting descriptions and some photos taken in strange light at unreal angles. Later, however, you realize the person across from you isn’t really listening to you, they’re just trying to figure out which scalpel would be best for removing your adenoids.
Internet dating…house hunting
same thing, different odors.
But, after lots of looking and surprise and more looking and “what the fuck is that smell??” we found a place. This place is Cutey McCuterson from Cutefield Falls, it sits on 3 (THREE!!) city plots (a city plot is generally 40×128 give or take, this is on 120×128) behind the property is a city park and the city saw fit to install a 50 foot wide neutral zone of trees between the residential area and the park, so basically its a big old yarn with a big old wooded area right behind it and then through the trees you can just barely make out the park. Nice.
We put in our offer and we are waiting to hear back. The man who owns it is in a nursing home, there’s a non-profit working as the executor of his estate, before they can accept an offer it has to be approved by a judge. It adds a few days to the process but ultimately I am happy that it is there. It means that there are systems in place to make sure this guy’s best interests are taken care of. Yeah, I’d like to know if the offer has been accepted, but I can be patient.
If we get it…GIANT YARD!!! big old deck in the back, great yard for the dogs, tons of gardening, 3 bedrooms so I can have my own studio. The kitchen is fuggedy but over time we will make that better. Also it’s pretty close to my dad’s house and I found that really comforting. I’m not sure why, but when I realized it, I was pretty happy.
We could close as early as mid-september!
If anyone would like to come and pack up my shit in exchange for pizza and your own take home bag of dog poop, please let me know. Even if you don’t want to pack but just want some pizza I’ll still give you the bag of dog poop! absolutely free!
anything else?
well, I jacked my left wrist but I’m not sure how. My wrist hurts when I type or crochet or think about m&m’s. that sucks (typing this hurts!)
the other night the dogs were rumpling around on the bed and boom! Chester smacked my hand and managed to throw my entire glass of wine in my face. Insane.
um hi!
not much else!
later