All of my wishing and hoping and fervent nighttime prayer has come to fruition and I have joined the ranks of ‘Saab Girls’ all over the world. That’s right, i am now the very very proud owner of a 1999 Cobalt Blue Saab 9’3 Turbo.
This car can really only be described with one word:
This car has more features than a human being needs in a car…
* Dead Cow: Everything is covered in leather, the seats, the dashoard, the steering wheel, the gear shift, the little details on the doors. Many cows gave their lives so that I might slip more easily into my seat (they also gave their lives so that I might eat them, but that is a different post).
* Heated Seats: Yeah, that’s right baby, at the push of a button my seat warms up. May not be important to many, but I live in Minnesota. The front passenger also gets to partake in this Festival Of Ass Warmth.
* Headlight Wipers: HEADLIGHT WIPERS!!! I push a button and these tiny wipers on my headlights spray wiper fluid and clean the headlights off. I can’t even see them running, but I use them for the sheer novelty of tiny wipers.
* Sun Roof: Not terribly exciting, but gives me the opportunity to watch the clouds when I am stuck in traffic.
* Turbo: No one ever thinks they need a turbo, “Why do I need a turbo, eh? My car, it goes just fine. Go on with your turbo.”. Drive a car with a turbo just once and you will weep salty tears when you go back to your slowmobile. The turbo uses a fan to make a funnel of air blah blah blah. Basically, it’s like Star Trek, you hover for a second, then your car stretches and warps through time and space. My turbo goes so fast that i can sleep until noon and still get to work before 8am.
* Safety Features: Saabs have more safety features than you can shake a stick at. And if you shook a stick at me while I was in my car, it would protect me from that too. Should I nudge, scrape or bump into anything, my car will immediately fill up with pillows of safety. I have airbags everywhere in this thing AND since I am short, I can turn them off if they are deemed more harmful than helpful. Four wheel anti-lock disc brakes so that i can come out of hyper-turbo drive with a minimum of effort. And Saab’s crumple zones ensure that if I get into an accident, the entire car will crumple up and absorb the impact leaving me in a little safe box full of airbags.
* Other Stuff: CD, 4 doors, enough trunk space for 3 adult bodies or many midgets, cruise, air, a button that says ‘S’, security system, 1000 different ways to fold and adjust the seats, fog lamps and it goes “bweep-op” whenever you push a button on the remote.
So all in all a very merry Christmas to me. If you want a ride, let me know!