Come to me, Colonel!

In my never ending string of month-long cravings, my newest craving has a decidedly unhealthy twist. I totally and absolutely need to eat KFC. And not just anything from KFC, but the 3 piece breast and wing dinner with mashed potatoes and coleslaw (see my previous post concerning my love for the KFC coleslaw). I have eaten KFC 4 times in the last week and I am vying for more.
Popular myth maintains that strong cravings are indicative of a lack of something that your body needs. Seems my body is pretty low on the Colonel’s secret 11 herbs and spices.


I know that the 3 piece Colonel’s Crispy Strip meal only comes with one side, but I like mashed potatoes AND coleslaw. I don’t let anything stop me. I just boldly ask for the 3 piece Colonel’s Crispy Strip meal and when they mumble “What side do you want with that?” I raise my head and proclaim “Mashed potatoes and coleslaw.”.
They think I am yet another retarded customer who doesn’t know how many sides come with my meal and I know they get a secret pleasure out of having to charge me for my coleslaw. Know what?? I don’t care! I know I have to pay for the coleslaw and I get to eat my coleslaw in peace.
Screw KFC and their preset notions on how many side dishes constitutes a meal.


It seems to me that if you are going to call somewhere for information you should be prepared to receive this information, perhaps by having on hand devices with which to record that information. My suggestions would include a writing utensil (crayon, pen, pencil, bloody finger) and a writing receptacle (paper, your bare leg, kitchen counter covered in flour, steamy mirror). This information-gathering advice is especially important if you are calling someone about a job listing. I am tempted to tell all of the people who call about job openings and are not prepared to write down the information that I give them that the job is filled.
On a related note, if you only have 2 things to do today, get stoned, and call me, please make sure you call me first then get stoned later. Call me early if you need to, I will be quick and allow you to get on with your day as planned.


On an interesting side note, I can fellate my remote control. How did I come to discover this fascinating talent? Who cares!?! The better question is, ‘What does your remote taste like?’. Well let me tell you, it tastes like many hours wasted on my couch watching drivel, it tastes like evenings spent with good friends laughing, it tastes like bad tv and better movies, it tastes like my cats, it tastes like a quiet evening.

A moment of amazing self control…

Though I was thoroughly tempted, I fought the deep-down urge to watch the broadcast of the International Special Olympics. I know that the Special Olympics is a wonderful organization bringing valuable lessons and fun to those who need them most. But goddammit, I am pure evil and I can’t help but find this too amusing. So in an effort to hold off the inevitable lightening bolt for another day I moved on to something more healthy. I watched hour upon hour of ‘The Joker’s Wild’ on Game Show network.