When I am home alone with the dogs Maddie takes an even greater interest in keeping me safe. Anyone who has spent time with me and Maddie knows how seriously she takes this job. Now, she’s not the “chew ’em all and let god sort it out” sort of dog. She’s really more of a “oh my god! uncertainty! I will press myself against you and shove my head in your face in order to shield you from the thing that I don’t KNOW!” sort of dog. This means that while she usually spends a lot of time pressed against me, she also spends a lot of time sitting or standing directly in my vicinity at full attention staring at whatever location she thinks might unleash uncertainty.
Right now, as I right this, she is sitting about 9 inches from me, at attention, staring directly at a box filled with the personal contents of my former desk (most of the contents anyway, there were a few things mysteriously missing, but you know). This box id 5 inches from her face. I really wish I could get a photo of this. All I can see it the back of her hippo head, ears alert, head cocked a bit to one side. Every few minutes she lifts her head tilts it all the way back so she is looking at me all upside down.
So, when I go take a shower she stands in the doorway of the bathroom looking out into the hallway.
While I am in the shower and Maddie is standing guard, Chester is free to impose his version of intelligent design on the world. From under the bed he will hear two atoms bouncing off each other in the living room and go tearing out there yelling, “MY NAME IS CHESTER!!! ME!!! CHESTER!! I AM TELLING YOU!! I am chester and you are atoms and you STOP BOUNCING!! Me! I am telling you to settle down. NO NONONONO NO!!! DO not move! there is no reason for you to move!!! MY NAME IS CHESTER AND I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU ARE MOVING SO YOU SHOULD STOP!!! STOP IT!!!” And I stand in the shower with a bar of soap crammed in my asscrack yelling “SHUT UP CHESTER”
And this whole time Maddie is plagued by uncertainty!! “Oh my god! is there danger? is it on the lady? is the lady safe? did danger go on the lady! I CAN’T SEE THE LADY!!!” At this point, I am existing in a mixed state of “covered in a delicious slurpee of danger” and “rinsing the shampoo out of my hair” I will remain in flux until she actually observes me, thus creating reality. So far she has not observed me covered in slurpee style danger, but it could happen! In an infinite universe with infinite possibilities I could be missing a toe AND be attacked by tub drain monsters ALL AT ONCE!!
Category Archives: Doogles
mmmcherry chocolate stress cake!
So, what happens when things in your lie start going to hell in a handbasket and you spend all your time worrying about things getting even worse AND even though you know it’s what caused 75% of the trouble in the first place you still can’t help but hide the full extent of your worries from the people around you???
Your mind finds alternate ways of pushing the stress out. In my case, SHINGLES!!! YAY. Starting just to the left of my breast bone I have a painful rash on my left boob, left armpit, down the tender fleshy fat part at the back of my arm and around on to my back. The awesome thing about shingles is that it lives in your nerves! So even where there is not a rash there is still pain!
YAY!!!! Could nature and science get ANY MORE AWESOME??? I don’t think so!
I don’t have insurance so I’m not going to the doctor for this. From the best of my research it sounds like there are few treatment options that are truly effective anyway. My aversion to vicodin and codeine has come in handy, however. I have old bottles of vicodin and codeine dating back to 1996! So I’ve been self medicating with old opiates and copious amounts of beer. The pain doesn’t get shut off, but the part of my brain that cares about the pain goes to sleep for a bit.
Have I learned anything about stress and sharing the burden? Yes ma’am! Will it change anything? um…well…old habits are pretty hard to break even if you KNOW you are supposed to break them. I’ll be putting the advice column (on Ravelry) on hiatus for one more week.
oh also, dogs have an UNCANNY ability to smash their paws into painful rashes when they get excited, or when they are not excited! Like when you are sound asleep and the searing pain in your left boob forces your eyes open and you find that Maddie has decided to get comfortable by streeeeeetching out and pushing her paw into you but FELL ASLEEP mid stretch and therefore is sleeping with her paw digging into a sensitive patch of blistery fun!
HI HI HI HI!!!!!! Remember me?
HI! I’m CHESTER!! Remember me? This is me! Chester!
\
NO!! WAIT that isn’t me! Not me! um, let me try it again…
GODDAMMIT!!! Maddie is lying to me! She’s not helping me. I’m going to go bite her.
She knocked me down. She’s a jerk.
Okay, now I officially hate Maddie! She is dumb and she has a fat head! Stupid Maddie. She doesn’t know anything at all about anything.
HI HI HI HI!!! This is Chester! Do you remember me? do you?
So there’s this weirdness and it’s weird. The fat lady is home all the time now. It’s weird. First the funny man was home a lot, but I think that happened before, but now the fat lady! I don’t know? I like it. Sometimes she hugs me a lot or pets me and my name is Chester but she changed my name to 12pound and that’s okay because she gives me her cereal bowl
MADDIE TRIES TO TAKE MY CEREAL BOWL. Maddie is just stupid.
When I go outside with the fat lady I always run out and yell “THIS IS MY YARD AND MY FAT LADY!!” even if no one is there!! I do it really loud in case someone is hiding. I want them to know. I tell them. This is mine. The fat lady says “SHUSH” but I don’t care! Because the people and the dogs and the squirrel have to know. I have to tell them.
OH! the lady! the fat lady is home a lot and sometimes she sits and hugs me and I like that but I can tell that maybe she likes to be by me but also maybe she does not like this being home all the time. I know this. I know this because my name is Chester 12pound! I know. So I do things to help. I can help. See. Help.
The fat lady likes underpants! I know this. When she says the underpants she also makes laughs! So I put some of her underpants in the living room to make her happy! and she got to see them, but also Anna saw them. I like Anna. She smells nice and she pets me and tells me good things. I don’t like Alan. I say GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU ARE NOT THE ONE IN MY HOUSE I AM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW!! but he doesn’t listen and he stays in my house and the funny man tells me to not yell at people.
No one understands.
Not even maddie but maddie is dumb. When I yell she gets ready to yell but all she says is “LADY! Where is the lady? Protect the lady! PROTECT!!” She doesn’t even know. She just runs around all big headed and not knowing and being dumb and trying to protect the fat lady.
She doesn’t care about protecting my toys or the place in the yard where I poop or my seat on the sofa!
MADDIE!!! I hate maddie! I had to chew on that place by my peener and Maddie put in another picture that was not me. I think she did it on purpose! I think maddie is doing this!
I’m going to go bite her and then jump on her
talent?
Dear Chester,
While I can certainly appreciate that you are so smart that you figured out how to crack open a peanut shell and just take out the actual nuts to eat…I’m kind of wishing you were dumber. Like dumb enough to just eat the whole thing, shell and all.
You know, like most dogs would.
You made a mess, you little weenus!
FotoLoco!
photos for you! First some dogs and then my Craftstravaganza purchases.
Super cute Chester
Super awesome Maddie
Aisha Celia beautiful yarn! Worsted weight, working on a new purse, photos soon.
Aisha Celia beautiful yarn! Sock weight yarn for making a Boteh for me.
Aisha Celia beautiful yarn! Sock weight yarn for making a Boteh for me.
mmmmmm I loved this yarn!
Lovely barrettes for magic hair!
Check it, motherfuckers!
my favorite Craftstravaganza purchase!
Soon, project photos