Last night David and I were at a post-thanksgiving party (which was our actual thanksgiving since we decided to lay low this year) hosted by Pablo (Pablo of the cereal parties). I love going to Pablo’s parties because you meet the interesting mix of people.
We played Simpson’s Clue, ate copious amounts of snack food, made inappropriate penis references in front of Pablo’s mom and tried to keep Moses, the very determined viszla from eating all the party food.
Later, David and I were talking to Amy and we got to the part where we exchanged emails. She recognized my name. I wasn’t too surprised, it’s a pretty common name and I am sure the Heather Ward army will rise up (with me as their leader) and we will have our revenge… but anyway. We tried to figure out how she knew me. I couldn’t really contribute how I knew her as I had watched her on stage a number of times. It’s not like I could be like “ooooh, right right, you’re the one that talked about crocheting yarmulkes! I remember you!”.
The questions started, I offered up where I had worked, things I did, possible drunken bacchanalia where I might have been seen face down under a coffee table…
“Did you used to be a lesbian?”
People have asked me all kinds of peculiar things (does this make me look fat? how you be so short? what’s this growth on my back?) but I’m pretty sure this is the first time I got that one. Granted, I’ve been asked a number of times “I thought you were a lesbian” (bi, people, bi!), but not “did you used to be a lesbian?”
Yes! (bi) we were amazed. It cemented things, it made it all clear…wait, no. We determined that she must have known me from something since it’s not often people peg me as a reformed lesbian (I’M BI! dammit).
At least she’s pleasant and charming, I’ve had a number of “don’t I know you from somewhere” moments where I’ve been forced to be deaf and unable to speak english!
Time for coffee and ice cream!

okay, this is my nerdy yarn question….
I am sickeningly in love with the Kauni multicolor yarn and the things you can do with it when you multistrand it. The thing is, even the softest baby alpaca and lambswool irritates my skin and leaves me with a red rash on my neck. The Kauni is an itchier wool yarn. I don’t want to sound like a dick, but if I’m going to do a stranded sweater with an intricate design, I’m making it for me.
So, I keep throwing this question out there….I am looking for a softer yarn with looooooooong colorways (kauni seems to average about 45 yards per color before it changes to the next color. Compare this to sock yarn which gives you a color change every 12 to 24 inches). Long, long bright colorays in a DK or sport weight. Fingering weight would be the awesome, but I’m not picky. I did find a place online selling cones of yarn by the pound that I can dye myself, but I’m hoping to avoid dyeing for a little bit if I can.
If you know you will comment. IF you don’t know you will send me…candies!

you know those guys who hit mid life, get all upset, buy hair plugs and a red convertible? you know the premise, middle age, waning penis, waning hair line, mounting regrets? Okay.

Robert Zemeckis. Easily one of the worst offenders of the mid life freak out or ‘crisis’ if you will. His ‘crisis’ seemed to have started earlier than most, but the premise is pretty much the same. His penis was waning, he started spending obnoxious amounts of dollars on excess and hair plugs a while ago. the thing with this sort of freak out related excessive spending of resources is that it all smacks of cheap desperation and mostly just makes everyone feel embarrassed for him.
Of course there will always be that group of people who think he’s awesome.
The final sin and some recent news has sent my brain a-spinning with solutions. Robert, the next time you have the urge to dump too much money into another red convertible consider doing something more useful.
Take that money and donate it to the women of Saudi Arabia. Buy them guns, bullets and lessons so that the next time anyone even suggests that they be punished for being the victim of a brutal attack they can blow the balls off anyone who tries.
Then they can spread around the world helping their oppressed sisters.
Once we get that taken care of, they can sell the guns and donate the cash to another group. My suggestion would be a group that could create the universe’s biggest megaphone and then take it back in time to send a message to W reminding him that even if a dude speaks English and maybe smells nice, he can still be a brutal anti-democracy dictator. On this final point I accept that we won’t succeed. I know that no matter how many people can see that Musharraf is an international dink, Bush will still call him ‘friend’. Dinks of a feather and all that I guess.
ah well, i’m off to amuse myself with yarn and hooks…..and brains

At about 9:30 this morning some aliens did that thing where they completely stop time so they can steal a body, finger the anus and drop it back off with no one the wiser (not even the aliens, because, really what are you going to learn from that). The thing is, they stole me. It totally sucked.
At about 9:30am they stopped time and whisked me away to their ship. After they were done with my butt (La Luna Grande) they moved on to more insidious activities. The first order of business was to take an ice cold pick, all slender and silver, and jam it up my nose so that it would pierce both my spenoid sinus and my frontal sinus along with my eyeball. Then they removed random bits of my brain and put them in jars.
The final insult was when they took photos of my holey old underwear and posted them on craigslist.
After they set me down in my office chair I immediately felt the results of their meddlings. My butt was uncomfortable, I had a stabbing pain on the left side of my head and I could not follow or maintain conversations with anyone.
Also, I felt a little dirty in the underpantal area.
All day it was headache and slowness. The aliens did this to me.
Or, perhaps the answer could be found in the full mug of coffee that I forgot to drink this morning. Hard to say. But let this be a warning to you. If you start every day with lots of caffeine, you will die the day you miss it, and aliens don’t want to ‘learn’ from us, or ‘make contact’. They’re just galactic bullies giving us the planetary wedgie.