I hate mushrooms. I fucking hate them. I hate them more than onions or freeform jazz or individually wrapped prunes (who needs individually wrapped prunes?? WHO???? who says “I will pay more for fewer prunes and more trash to add to the landfill and more plastic made from petroleum products!!”?). I really hate mushrooms.
The veggie burgers at work (which are also the same served at Burger King) have bits of mushroom in there. my vegetarian options at the work cafeteria are pretty limited most days, mac and cheese, cheese sandwich, eggsalad sandwich, veggie burger and the occasional fake meat chicken sandwich. The veggie burger has mushrooms in it. I hate mushrooms. Most days I don’t have time to make a lunch (read: I don’t make a lunch because I am sitting still and envisioning buttcracks). Most days I don’t actually eat lunch but i do a couple times a week. I know the mushrooms are there but I order it and have it loaded with mustard, lettuce, tomato, pickles and banana peppers and then I scarf it down and try try try to not imagine the mushrooms, try not to notice them in my mouth being the worst things ever. I just eat fast. Until I notice a mushroom and gag like hell. and keep gagging until I get everything out of my mouth.
This is a sign of a sick mind.
Category Archives: Blab
it builds
ever have that day where you’re like…
- man, I need to finish that project
- and THAT project
- oh my god and THAT project
- and SHIT! Someone’s birthday
- oh god and my yarn needs organizing
- but I have to do the dishes
- and vacuum
- and go to Steven’s Point for a weekend
- oh and Montreal!
- And Stitches Midwest in Chicago on the absolute worst weekend for me to do anything non-work related
- and camping
- AND BUY A HOUSE!!!!
- and get a physical
- and an eye exam
- and dammit! the dentist!
- and I don’t know if I should go buy the yarn for the new project or finish up this other project
- and I don’t want to go to work!
- I have so much that needs to get done
- but I would rather go to the dog park
- crap! House buying!
- I hate packing. can I throw everything away?
- I hate packing. No really, I hate it.
- so much to do and I just want to drink my coffee
Today was a day that was a day!
I came to work to find a GIANT bouquet of flowers on my desk AND in my boss’ office a giant gift bag crammed full of candy!! It was Administrative Professionals Day!! (aka secretary’s day…except I’m not a secretary…secretaries do not sit in 2 hour meetings trying to get the ACTUAL GODDAMNED NUMBERS FOR THE GODDAMNED $16 MILLION CONSTRUCTION PROJECTS. oh, yeah, and a secretary does not make excel play bitch for her…’who’s gonna map utility usage in the dorms for the last five years?? oh you are! yes you are because you are my bitch and I want a pivot table!!’ My job…kinda sexy). I thanked my boss profusely, then I told him to please thank his lovely wife as it was she who remembered and she who purchased all the gifts. She’s pretty good about these things.
THEN I emailed all the other admin assistants and told them to bring their bosses by so that the bosses could feel the shame of not being as awesome as my boss.
THEN I calculated the difference between our previous contract with the electric company and our current contract. Seems we’re not getting the deal we were promised. I called a maintenance supply company and told them to stop faxing to my goddamned phone! and then I sent contracts to the landscaping people and the real estate consultants. Sexy? YEAH!
THEN Anna showed up and we went to Wench where we discussed her sister, how to make seitan, the awesomeness of the dog park, the creepy people of the world and then I think I told her I was going to stick her in a shiny little box and carry her over my head while singing to her. She did not appreciate that. But then I told her about the time that I realized my bread machine looked like rocketmoonship and I put that on my head and ran around pretending to be a rocket. She appreciated that quite a bit more.
THEN back at work I explained to my boss that I had wanted Thursday off so I could do shiny sunshine things but it was going to be rainy and I had to be at work on Friday because it’s the only day my assistant can be in for the pay period and she can’t be there if I am not there so could I take the rest of the day off? YES! So I popped a giant orange gumball and left and drove home listening to Neal Conan be terse with callers that don’t get to the point.
THEN I bit the underside of my tongue (don’t ask)
THEN I took the dogs to the dog park! I like going to the dog park during the day, it’s quieter, more relaxing. There aren’t as many dogs, but there are some and the dogs had fun. And I stood in the sun for an hour.
Then I worked on a lace design (yay)
THEN David brought veggie burgers and beer and we sat out on the front steps and watched the sun set with the dogs and the beer.
NOW we are watching a movie and I am going to work on my project for the Pants Charity Bonanza!
oh do you think
I forgot my camera last night. I wanted to get pictures of the dogs romping at the dog park. Is there a happier place on earth? If there is, I don’t want to know about it, I don’t think my mind could handle it.
Chester’s becoming snappy with bigger dogs. In many ways this is fine dog to dog language, but no one is really comfortable with a dog snapping at their dog, especially a little dog with such fucking huge canine teeth. They’re like sabers in his mouth or something. I think the saddest thing was the black and white spaniel retriever type dog that was excited by it! He kept bugging Chester until Chester would snap at him and then run trying to get Chester to chase him. Chester hated this. Ironically, this is EXACTLY what Chester does to Maddie, bug the shit out of her until she decides to chase him and kick his ass.
Man, I need a day off, something in the middle of a week would be nice, get stuff done outside, take the dogs around the lake while it’s not busy, just be outside with spring.
Speaking of…the migrating loons have stopped off at Lake Hiawatha. I look at them every morning on the way to work and I want to stop to tell them I will see them later in the summer when we head up to the BWCA again. Chester loves the BWCA!
Craftstravaganza this weekend, be there or be found in cheap clothing and accessories made by Chinese orphans!!!
Ways in which I am insane part Dissonance Apple 5.2 Beta
1) I talk like Tom Brokaw. I believe this. I believe this with the same conviction that a crazy person might believe that the Fornits are talking to him or that there is a pink unicorn in my garage controlling his destiny. (the Fornits don’t talk to anyone but themselves, the unicorn is green and mostly it just shits on the hood of my car). I know that I talk like Tom Brokaw. I know this because evidence was made clear to me 20 years ago!
We went to Florida. When we got to the place we were staying we turned on the television to find the local news to find a weather report so we could decide if we should go swimming. When the news came on I was stunned silent by the awful southern accents that all of the newscasters sported. These weren’t just the funny joke southern accents, these were real. Very real. It was as though their teeth were made of biscuit dough and their saliva was pure molasses. At 15 I’d hardly ever left the state of Minnesota before, I’d never experienced something so peculiar. Why on earth had the tv stations allowed this to happen? WHY?
20 minutes later the national news came on the air and there was Tom Brokaw and there he was, talking without an accent. No accent. he sounded JUST LIKE ME! Me and him! Diction buddies. That was it. The doors opened and I knew the world would be okay.
G) During the decision making process for every major decision of my adult life includes a scenario that goes like this: Should this play out to its worst possible conclusion, how would my interview play out on Dateline NBC?. I always imagine Stone Philips asking me questions. “Weren’t you suspicious? Didn’t it seem too good to be true? Come on now, free potatoes from a man in an alley? Didn’t you think there might be something wrong with that scenario?”. I imagine myself being admonished by Stone Philips for my poor decision making skills. It’s never anyone else, it’s never Barbara Walters or Montell Williams or even Jesus, it’s always Stone Philips.
For a brief period in my early to mid twenties I was completely in love with those ‘news magazine’ type programs where they invent scandal and present shoddy facts in exchange for ratings. Oh those TV shows that fire up middle America with indignant righteousness, “Did you hear that kids as young as fetuses are doing coke and pimping? I heard it on NBC! Hell in a handbasket, that’s what I always say. No one listens to me.” I loved those shows! For an hour I could live in middle America with my no accent and my solid middle class sensibilities offended by the big city. Of course, afterwards, I would be forced to accept that this wasn’t really news. It was sensationalism at its worst, throw everything out there, scandalize the viewer! Freak them out! immorality is RIGHT OVER THE NEXT HILL!!!
And no one got a free ride, there was Stone Philips every week commanding the future from the flight deck. Even the meekest of victims did not escape his inquisitive gaze! Old people scammed by roof tar contractors! Quiet, lonely business men financing deposed Nigerian princes! Ladies looking for love and finding only the back end of a rohypnal orgy and herpes!
SO! whenever someone says, “you need to talk to my friend, he can totally set you up!” I always think about Stone Philips and I wonder what he would ask of me.