My obsession with giant glasses started young! I am wearing my favorite overalls and my favorite mickey mouse shirt.


We should have known early on I was prone to fucking up my hair. The day before our appointment at the Sears Photo Studios I took scissors to my hair and my sister’s. Luckily, they were able to cover up the hack job I did on her hair…mine, not so much. Years later, when I was in my mid twenties, I did the same exact thing to my bangs. History is a cycle we are doomed to repeat because the gods are mirthful.

Hooray for Santa! You’ll note that I am wearing my awesome yellow pants with the SUPER AWESOME Ronald McDonald iron on face! People often ask me, “heather, why are you such a pervert? You seem like such a nice person.” All I have to do is show them this photo and it all becomes crystal clear.

My sister in her totally cool polyester dress! Cool story about that dress…It used to be mine and I loved wearing, i thought I was so pretty in it. I was also a daydreamer and dilly-dallier, i was often late for school. Finally, the principal got mad at me for being late all the time and put me into In School Suspension. Basically, you’re locked into a small room by the office and you have to work on your school work all day. They bring you your lunch and you are not allowed to go to recess. Well, during the course of my first day in ISS no one told me what to do if I had to pee. So I held it as long as I could and eventually peed myself. I was wearing that dress. When the office ladies discovered what happened there was a lot of tut-tutting and the janitor was called and I stood there feeling deeply ashamed as I watched the guy clean my pee off the chair. I was made to stand in my wet dress all day. mmmm polyester and childhood trauma.