A few weeks ago i found myself battling wave after wave of grief. I felt like I was wading hip deep upriver. It was too much to deal with. a Large portion of my issue came from the misbegotten idea that at 6 weeks I should somehow be done grieving.
I don’t know why I decided this, but it was there, beating me up. My grief felt foolish and selfish. I worried that the only reason why i was grieving was because I wanted him back, not because he might want his life back. I second guess myself all the time. I deconstruct my motives and look upon myself with great suspicion.
People told me it was okay to grieve, but I figured they were saying it because that’s what you say. Finally, I just stopped talking about it because I didn’t want to be that mopey, burdensome friend. You know, that friend that only sucks the life out of you and never gives? yeah, I hate that person too. I bottled up the grief and let it out when I was showering or driving or hiding in the basement. Still, it was more than I could handle.
Then I went to my appointment with my psychiatrist to adjust my meds (the story of the psychiatrist and the meds is a whole different post for later). I told her that I felt my meds weren’t working because I couldn’t get over Ghengis. Even after 6 weeks the pain was still amazingly raw.
She told me it was okay. She told me I could expect to feel pain and grief for a year or even 2. She gave me the permission I needed to feel the pain and like that it was like a burden lifted. I don’t know why I needed to hear it from her and not my friends, but that’s what it took.
It still hurts, good lord it hurts, but it doesn’t hurt quite as bad.
And while we are on the subject, please send good thoughts to Dena and Levi. They lost their beloved Bela before Christmas. Bela was a beautiful dog, he was Dena’s solid ground for years. He was smart and loyal and fun. He even liked Ghengis.
Why do we do it? Why do we bring pets into our lives knowing that they will die before us? I don’t know, really, but I know that I will never stop having pets. I know that for as much as it hurt to lose Ghengis, my most beloved of pets, it would be even worse to not have had him at all.