Mutual of Omaha’s Retarded Kingdom

I’ve got one dog obsessed with the junebugs. Every time he finds one (and they’re everywhere and they’re slow and they’re entirely unconcerned about the 3 bodies and 10 feet heading their way) he picks it up in his mouth. Upon being picked up the junebug reacts in the only way it knows how:
Is this mating: Y/N
If yes then commence with the mating
If no then fly away from it
So he picks up the junebugs, they buzz his mouth, he spits them out and looks perplexed and reacts in the only way he knows how:
Is this awesome: Y/N
If yes then do it again
If no then try again just in case it GETS awesome
Over and over and over he does this. I consider tying him to the railing on the other side of the block so he can do this all night. I’m sure it will become awesome.
Both dogs fancy themselves rabbit trackers of some sort. There are rabbits everywhere and they’re dumb as…bunnies! While Chester was entranced with his junebug game and Maddie was replying to her pee-mail (bitch got herself a lot of friends. She’s probably got a DogSpace account with shitty animated gifs and autoplay music and pics of all her frenz kikken it old skool…
wait, where was I? Oh yeah, the dogs are distracted and I watch two bunnies considere us and then hop around the corner. When we get close to the corner the dogs pick up the scent. This apparently qualifies as “awesome” so they continue to snuffle and follow it. We round the corner and they snuffle deep of the fresh rabbit scent on the grass completely ignoring the 2 goddammed rabbits not 10 feet from their heads. The rabbits take off and the dogs try to take off but I give a resounding “Leave It” and “uh-uh” because I’m all about commands and the “no reward marker”. I get Chester’s attention. My words are decidedly not “awesome” but he decides to listen because it might involve treats and those are “AWESOME”! Of course Maddie was all about the rabbits because once she focuses on something she forgets there are other things that exist until she reaches the end of the leash.
The rabbits got away.
We head into the alley and the dogs are still trying to find the scent of the rabbit. Then the dogs are snuffling hard on something. Before I can figure out that it’s not just some rabbit shit (rabbit shit is “awesome”) Maddie has it in her mouth and is trying to chew on it and I see a dessicated toad leg hanging out of her mouth and I react in the only way I know how:
Is it dangerous:Y/N
If yes then get it out of her mouth
If no then chastise her
Is it really gross: Y/N
If yes then chastise her loudly and tell her that you are currently looking into options for trading her in for a case of whiskey or a carton of cigarettes
If No then sadly shake your head and cluck a few times.
And Maddie ponders…
Could she really trade me for whiskey or cigarettes: Y/N
If yes then drop tasty but leathery toad carcass
If no then try to figure out how to get that last leg in my mouth
No…I wonder if I have a good face for hats.
We made it home no worse for the wear, but I am not letting their faces near mine for a very long time. Assholes.

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