Wherein I discuss body related things that you probably do not want to know about

After 6 years I finally went in to get an eye exam this past weekend. I knew things were getting bad. My nearsightedness is getting better but my astigmatism is actually getting much worse. So, I’ve been getting along on the old prescription fine. Things were blurry but not terrible, I could compensate. However, now that i KNOW that I need new glasses my eyes are tired and hurting me.
This is very typical of me, I’ll be getting along okay with one thing or another but once it gets validated by a professional then it all goes to hell. It’s some sort of reverse psychosomatism or something.
That wasn’t so bad.
But now it gets worse. Really worse. You might want to stop reading now.
Last night I was working on a crochet project and David was out teaching English so I was not so motivated to do anything interesting for dinner. I looked in the fridge and there were two leftover pancakes from my weekend pancake fest (we ate the pancakes with St Maple’s Nuthouse Extreme Nerve Calmative and Itch Tonic. Delicious). I microwaved them and ate them over the stove with lemon ginger marmalade (I always want to type ‘marmaduke’ when I type marmalade “yeah, I smeared big red chunks of retarded dog all over my pancakes…ruff ruff”). Still hungry I considered my options… 2 bags of Sabritones, some tortilla chips, bananas, yogurt, Dove caramel chocolates and a pound of asparagus.
I went with the asparagus. Actually, I probably had about 1 1/4 pounds but it had been in the fridge for a while so some of it got tossed. Being lazy I trimmed the asparagus, threw it in a pie plate with some water and microwaved it for 2 minutes (it was the super thin asparagus that I love), drained it, tossed it with butter and some Penzey spice mix of some sort and ate it. I had two leftover pancakes and a pound of asparagus for dinner.
I imagine this is how bachelors eat except with more pretzels and less vegetables.
Starting 2 hours later my pee took on the inevitable asparagus stink. The problem is that a normal person eats sonething like 5 stalks of asparagus. I ate an entire pound. My pee reeked like a newly mown football field. All the essence of fresh cut grass and fertilizer had been crammed into my little bladder and was coming out in fits and starts.
This morning, after I drank my americano I hit the bathroom to take my usual after coffee super pee. My after coffee super pee usually smells like an entire shop is being operated in my…little bladder.
This morning the rogue guerilla asparagus army took the sleepy yuppies of my bladder coffee shop hostage and when I peed it reeked of dead vegetable, minerals, grass and coffee. It was so awful and weird and fascinating.
Normally, no one wants to hear about my pee and so I try not to share with you, but dammit….this was so fucking weird.

4 thoughts on “Wherein I discuss body related things that you probably do not want to know about

  1. I want to be inside your head once, just once. I never thought I would feel so sadly unimaginative about pee.
    I am going to bring this post in to my anatomy class for show and tell when we talk about the urinary tract.

  2. Heather!
    I loved this entry, it made me feel less weird, because I always look forward to what I eat, and see if it has an effect on my pee or poop.
    I ate a whole bag of sabritones the other day and the roof of my mouth hurt like a bitch afterwards.
    But I could not stop eating them.
    Much love.

  3. I ate a whole bag of sabritones while in the tub the other day. I spent the whole next day with the roof of my mouth peeling off. I love sabritones!!!!

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