Monthly Archives: November 2006

Welcome Chester

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This is Chester. He’s a 6 month old rat terrier and corgi mix. He’s very sweet and a little shy and he is the newest member of the family. I was a little worried that Maddie would be defensive about a new dog in her home but I was wrong. Maddie is thrilled peachy to have another little dog to play with. I really underestimated how close Maddie was with Ghengis and I underestimated how much she missed him. Maddie is nothing but happy to have this little guy here even if he is too shy to play right now.
And, let’s be honest, it’s doing me a world of good to bring some happiness into my home. I won’t stop grieving for Ghengis for a long time. I really loved Ghengis with all my heart. I just want to funnel a lot of that energy into something more positive than crying jags and hiding from the world. I am not moving on from Ghengis, I don’t think I ever could, but I am adding to my heart another dog.
And you can’t argue with loving another dog.
Oh, also, as much as I would have loved naming him Riblet, David just did not like the name. This dog is ours to share and we had to agree on the name and Chester it is.
Please welcome Chester to the family.

Slowly

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Slowly I begin to breathe without the drawn out exhalations. I can wake up without the flood of pain. I can tell stories about my little fella without breaking down and sobbing.
Mostly.
Logic dictates that time will take care of this and I know this is true and so I wait patiently. I pay attention to the phases of grief. I analyse every laugh and every light conversation.
As I come up for air I remember things. Chicken came back. Then Chicken left again. Grellow lost a bit of his tail in the lid to the aquarium but he’s no worse for the wear. David’s family is all in town this weekend. It’s the middle of November and the temps are in the upper 40’s. So strange, so very strangely warm.
I received so many emails and notes from people. I really appreciate every kind word said, every tear shared. I cannot replace Ghengis ever, but one day there will be a new little dog.
And I will name him “Riblet”

FUCK

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Today is a day of amazing anger. I am having the worst time keeping it in check. I want my little dog back. I want to kick and punch and scream until he breathes again. I want everyone to hurt as much as I do.
I want to hit everyone who doesn’t
I want my dog back

Aw Maddie

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I underestimated. I thought Maddie would be confused but be fine.
Her pack order is all fucked up, she is reverting to her previous seperation anxiety behaviors. Oh, Maddie, I am so sorry. Not right away, but soon, I will find you another friend.

Grief

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Grief is a sword without a handle that you swallow and cannot remove. Grief is the inside of your heart shattering and the shards circulating through your body ceaselessly. Grief is an ever growing lead weight in your chest that you cannot vomit up.
If you have a headache you can take a pill, a stomachache can be puked away. Anger can be walked off and joy shared with many.
Grief is inescapable. It is always there. You do what you can to distract yourself, but at any moment a rage of memories will flood through your mind and the pain peaks once again.
Yesterday, many people cried for Ghengis, even a gruff old carpenter stood at my desk and cried with me. Ghengis was so loved by so many people and his loss will be felt for a long time.
Right now, his loss is felt as an amazing, searing pain in my chest that I can ignore for short spurts but cannot escape. I am incredibly lucky to have David here. His ability to comfort me through this is what keeps me going.
I appreciate all of the kind words and sentiments. It shows that not only was Ghengis loved but so am I and so are David and Maddie.