I knew the grief would not end quickly. I knew it would take a great deal of time to work my heart through the pinched hole of pain. In the week after Ghengis died, things started to get brighter. The crying jags were less common, I could laugh and spend time with my friends. I could search for a new puppy.
It hurt, but I figured I was getting on remarkably well.
I did not know that grief would come to me in waves. That my reprieve was only a recession. Ghengis was my comfort when I was sad, He would snuffle my tears, drape himself across my lap and sigh deeply as he curled into me. Stark reality slaps me in the face as I get sad and look for Ghengis to comfort me. He’s not there.
He will never be there.
And my pain folds over on itself.
I am surrounded by people and creatures who love me. David, Maddie and Chester along with my friends and family have been wonderful. Those who know me know what Ghengis meant to me, they may not have understood my relationship with the Littlest of the Fellas, but they knew it was strong.
My friends and family are so comforting and supportive, Chester is an extraordinary diversion for me and Maddie is a calm port in this storm, but nothing can bring my Ghengis back. Nothing they do or say can erase the memories of his pained yelps, or his last three, gasped breaths, or the way he looked when I said my last goodbye and pulled the blanket over his head for the last time.
The grief has come back to me hard these last couple days. It is beating me down. I try to keep it in check, do my job, clean, make dinner, carry on pleasant conversations with people. But it slips in there. I can’t control it.
I want to take back these few weeks. I want to go back and choose to use his collar instead of his harness. I want to choose to stay on the phone with my mom 5 minutes longer. I want to go back and give him all the turkey from the sandwich I had for dinner that night instead of just a few bites. I want to go back to the day I skipped the Frosty Paws because they were pricey and I want to slap myself, he deserved those Frosty Paws and I didn’t buy them.
I want to go back to when he was just 11 weeks old, so small and scared. I want to go back to when he put his tiny snout on my neck and fell asleep and I did not move because I did not want to wake this perfect little dog.
I want my dog back.
Monthly Archives: November 2006
We’re funding the future
Off to the vet again today. I’m pretty sure that my dogs are funding the college education of at least one of the vets’ kids and possibly some of the children of the veterinary pharmaceutical industry as well. Dammit.
First off, Chester got his free initial puppy exam. He’s healthy and happy and it’s been determined that he is 6 months old and not 4 months. He has all his adult teeth and that’s the determiner apparently. He was well behaved and not too freaked out.
Maddie was back in for her feet. They’ve ruled out a systemic yeast infection and mites, so we’re back to allergy/immune system/bacterial issues. So now we have her on cyclosporine, an immuno-suppressant that they give organ transplant recipients to help them avoid rejecting the new organ. Since allergic reactions are immune related we’re going to give this a shot. She’s also on 3 weeks worth of antibiotics to help with this latest round of infection.
I just worry about her so much. When he feet are healthy she’s much more active and responsive. That’s a given, really. If your feet looked like hers you wouldn’t want to do anything. I made a promise to Maddie when I got her that I would always take care of her, that she would never be neglected or hurt, that the rest of her life will be spent being loved and adored. It is very important to me that I keep that promise.
On the other hand, now that Chester’s settled in, she doesn’t get as much rest as she’d like. He’s an active puppy. Very active. I was worried that there was something wrong since he didn’t really DO anything the first weekend we got him, he was so damned lazy. Now he tears from one end of the house to the other and back again and Maddie is right on him ready to wrestle and scrabble with him. He’s probably still too bitey, and I’m training him not to bite me so hard, but Maddie’s going to have to deal with that herself. There are moments you can tell he’s bitten her too hard and she just wants to kick his ass but she refrains. I don’t know why she does, but there it is, some amazing self control.
The dogs are passed out after their afternoon vet ordeal. I’m going to go have some soup.
decisions
I need to finish the dishes and make soup but there is a soft, warm, silky headed puppy flopped on me.
dishes….warm puppy
also, expect to see puppy videos. If there’s one thing David and I regret, it’s not taking more videos of Ghengis when we had the chance. We have some, but not nearly enough. My god I miss Ghengis sometimes.
Okay, those fucking asshole dishes are not going to wash themselves so i guess I’m on the job again. Sorry soft little puppy who likes to look me in the eye and make a sad little baying noise when he’s bored.
kilopost
I figured for my 1000th post i would do something spectacular and exciting…but all I’ve got is another meme. Sorry dudes. Later I’ll write about the dogs. you like to hear about dogs, right?
The idea is simple … copy, bold the things you’ve done and post. I stole this from Lily.
Here are mine:
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins (technically they were porpoises)
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends (still do)
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married (you know, such as it was)
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad – and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life
I ate, he didn’t
David is still being attacked by some foul gastro-intestinal beast. He spent most of Thanksgiving dinner on his sister’s sofa. Sad for him, the dinner was delicious. Ryan and Julie did a straight up traditional dinner with the turkey, cornbread stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy and even green bean casserole! My contribuions were pumpkin cheesecake and figgy pear parnouti.
The cheesecake was the Cook’s Illustrated spiced pumpkin cheesecake with bourbon cream sauce. I love the Cook’s Illustrated recipes because not only are they amazingly detailed but they determine the common problems with a recipe and tackle them for you. The result was a very light, not too wet, not too dry, very tasty pumpkin cheesecake. I’m having a slice right now with the sauce.
Figgy pear parnouti was a recipe I made up based on other recipes I had researched:
5 red bartlett pears
1/2 pound dried Kalamata figs
1 cup toasted walnuts
4 ounces chevre
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 stick butter
1/3 cup water
1 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp ground cardamom
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground cloves
1/2 tsp allspice
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp salt
Preheat oven to 425
Cut pears in half, cut each half into 3rds, remove cores.
quarter figs
toss pears, figs, and walnuts in a bowl and set aside.
Melt butter and sugar together, whisking constantly. Once it starts bubbling add the water and heat to boiling until the sugar dissolves. Mix in spices.
Dump sugar sauce over pear/fig/walnut mixture and stir to coat. Dump into casserole pan. Cut the corner off chevre wrapper and squeeze out little blobs to evenly dot the surface of the casserole. Bake for 20 minutes. Serve warm.
Variations:
1) use a reisling instead of water in the sugar sauce
2) use mirableu sheep’s milk blue cheese
Huzzah for figgy pear parnouti.
Hope you had a happy one my peeps.